jerk; kv ✓

thirty.

Taehyung flinched awake to his phone buzzing, he groaned and sat up only to see that Jeongguk was not beside him. He was sure that the two had fallen asleep arm in arm together, so it was confusing when Jeongguk wasn't there.

Taehyung picked up the phone and placed it against his ear, "Hello?"

"How did it go?" Hoseok spoke on the other end.

"What are you talking about?" Taehyung furrowed his eyebrows in confusion and cleared his sore throat.

"Jimin showed yo and told me that Jeongguk got into this fight with Jackson, and then left really pissed so we both guessed you guys weren't gonna show up." Hoseok explained on the other end, "So, how did it go? Did you guys argue because you were angry?"

"Oh um, no we didn't I was just calming him down." Taehyung answered and swallowed down the feeling forming at the pit of his stomach when remembered last night events.

"Are you okay? Why do you sound sick and upset?" Hoseok worriedly asked.

Taehyung was silent for a bit before talking again, "I'm sorry for not coming,"

"It's fine, don't worry about it. Is everything okay? Do you want me to come over?" There was some shuffling on the other end as if he was getting ready to leave.

"No it's fine," Taehyung quickly answered, "I sucked Jeongguk off last night." He breathed out.

"What?!" Hoseok screeched on the other end.

"Yeah, and like I'm fine with it and I wanted to do it- I asked first." Taehyung took a deep breath in again, "But I feel really like- disgusted and gross? Like I'm disgusting, and I keep thinking about what happened with my ex. Jeongguk didn't do anything wrong but I can't stop thinking about it now and I don't know why? I liked the blowjob last night but I still-" he sucked in a sob and looked around his room.

"Taehyung you're obviously going to remember it if you do something that reminds you of it. You shouldn't blame yourself for your thoughts if they're out of control."

"I know but I don't know what to do, I hate being upset because now I'm gonna be upset for a whole week." Taehyung hiccuped and wiped his face.

"Is Jeongguk there?"

"No, I don't know where he is." Taehyung sniffled.

"If you talk to him about how you feel disgusted after, he could help? It's really important that after you have sex or do something sexual you guys give each other aftercare and cuddle or something. That way you'll feel more relaxed and reassured after rather than focused on being disgusted."

"Yeah, but I don't know where he is, and I don't want to tell him about what happened because I feel like he's not serious." Taehyung answered and felt a tingling sensation growing on his lips and hands, "I'm gonna go now."

"Are you sure? Do you want me to come over?" Hoseok worriedly asked.

"No it's fine, I'll text you later." Taehyung quickly hung up and placed his phone down.

Another issue he has was that if he cried too hard, held it in or cried for too long it would result in a panic attack. That was one thing he hated people seeing as embarrassment would take over soon after and so would guilt.

He had no control over it though, he knew that there were techniques that would help but they were the last things he thought about when he'd have a panic attack.

Taehyung squeezed his eyes shut and fisted his hair, breathing painfully into his knees which he had pulled up to his chest. He curled up, what he wanted was to be held tight until he couldn't breathe or be distracted by the comfort.