I'm certain I don't remember every detail exactly right. I'm sure there are moments and emotions that the hands of time have totally altered... After all, you can't stop the clock. And I'm sure, if you ask her, she'll tell you a completely different story, but that's because she had a completely different perspective.
I remember how I used to think she was this ethereal goddess. When she walked into the room, all eyes were on her, no matter what. We could have been in a room full of iconic rock stars and she would stand out.
I wanted to be like that. I wanted to be like her. I thought she was what every woman should have been like. She was mysterious- I knew that at a really young age and she was gorgeous, everyone around us knew that.
I can't tell you the exact moment in my life when I realized that she wasn't this perfect, gentle soul that walked on water and could talk to fairies... I thought the world circled around my mother, until I realized that she wasn't immortal.
She was normal.
~
"Honey?" Her voice has always been raspy and when I was younger, it kind of made me anxious, but the older I've gotten, the softer I think she's become.
I was sitting in the chair in front the vanity mirror, probably dreaming about getting my hair done and wearing makeup.
Every night, before a show, I would sit on the floor as close to her as I could get. I would sit there and just watch the makeup artist move around her, occasionally making me scoot one way or the other, but I don't think I ever took my eyes off of her. She always wore those flowing skirts and I had begged to wear a shawl for as long as I could remember. She was my hero and that was her cape.
"Are you going to come out?" She was standing in the doorway of the dressing room, using one hand to fluff her curls as she held the other out for me.
Pushing myself up off the chair, my feet hit the floor with a thud as I raced towards her. I never wanted to be left behind, especially when everything always felt so exciting. I never wanted to miss a beat, ever.
Taking her hand in mine, I followed close behind as we headed down the long hallway. There was always so many people- it always felt like a huge, crazy party and in all reality, it was exactly that. Most of the time I didn't even know where they had come from- they just kind of appeared and then disappeared after a show. It was crazy to me.
"How does this one look?" She let go of my hand, doing a little twirl to show off her new skirt the moment we met Mary at the end of the hall.
"It's wonderful." She always had a cup in her hand... I used to think it was coffee. "Come on, kid." She gave me a big smile, motioning for me to head out with her.
I don't care how old I get, she will always have a special place in my heart. She was a safe spot within the mix of all things rock 'n roll... at least for me it seemed that way. She was there every step of the way and if life seemed like it was flying off the rails, I knew she would be just one call away, always... Even when she all the way across the country- she was there.
"Can I have some juice?" I don't think we ever really ate whole meals, at least not all together. When we were on the road, everyone's diet consisted of chicken wings backstage and little finger sandwiches... I won't eat either to this day.
"Of course, sweetie." All anyone ever had to do was snap their fingers- I don't even know who they were snapping at, but I always got what I asked for. "Here are these," she half mumbled, putting the headphones over my ears before she led the way further backstage.
That was always about the time my mother vanished into the crowd of people and the chances of seeing her again until much later that evening were slim to none. She was a social butterfly, at least that's what I always thought.
There was always so much going on- people running around, tripping over each other and of course, in the far corner, the small group of women that joined forces each night would take role. It was a mess and looking back, I realize that that might be exactly what drove me away from all of that chaos.
"Do you want anything else, sweetie?" Mary walked me to my seat more often than not.
Shaking my head, I sat down on the metal fold out chair. I remember looking down each night, staring at how my feet never hit the floor... I was so young and so oblivious. But I loved it then.
"I've got her," Suzanna was another one of those people- one of the ones that made me feel safe.
She was my nanny forever, until I was like seventeen. She was an older lady, probably twenty years older than my mother. She had already raised kids and had grandchildren by the time she was hired in... She knew what she was doing- thank goodness.
"Hey, sweetie." She sat down next to me, handing me a hamburger in a takeout bag and a strawberry milkshake. She knew me well.
"Thank you," I was always so shy, I never knew why.
I had grown up with people who were loud and outgoing... I hardly said two words sometimes.
"I'm sorry that I just got here, dear." She was never late, ever. She was on the road with us, so she was constantly there, no matter what. "I had to run some errands for your mom." Suzanna had long hair, and she was so happy, even when she was running around, doing things for everyone else... She never failed to make me smile.
She was a strong figure in my life and I kept in touch with her up until she passed away just a few years ago.
"It's okay," I was never phased by people not showing up; maybe a little by Suzanna's absence, but not really by anyone else's.
The sound of her heals caused us both to turn in our chairs, watching as my mother ventured towards us. "I'll see you after the show, sweet girl." Stevie bent down slowly, kissing the top of my head softly.
"Love you, mommy." I gave her gentle smile and she returned it... She was the moon and sun for me.
"I love you, Lark."
