"You can't just cut one of my songs, Lindsey!" She didn't yell often, but when she did- everyone heard her.
Don't get me wrong, she definitely wasn't the most calm, cool and collected person I knew, but she never really showed that side of pure anger... until something really sent her over the edge. And the only person that really knew exactly what buttons to push was my father.
I remember that he used to do this thing that really got my mother going- he'd scuff half way through an argument.... He wouldn't dare do that now.
"I didn't cut it from the whole set list, Stevie." He shrugged, raising an eyebrow gently.
I wasn't normally allowed to hang out during rehearsal... That's when all the craziness seemed to happen, but I wouldn't actually see the worst of the worst until much later in my life, luckily. But there were rare occasions, once in a blue moon when my mother would ask me if I wanted to go to the rehearsal.
I never turned down an opportunity to hang out with, who thought, was just the coolest group of people ever.
I think, sometimes, she felt guilty for not spending a ton of time with me and that's why she wanted to include me more. But she was a popular person and no matter what, there was always someone else who desired her attention a little more than I did.
I told myself, my entire childhood that I would never put work first in life, ever. I either wanted a really happy family, or a really successful career... I didn't think you could have both, because that just seemed far too perfect.
"Whatever." She was notorious for rolling her eyes, but she would never admit that... ever, because than she would also have to admit that that's exactly where I got it from.
We were in a close race of who could roll their eyes the most when I became a teenager.
"We can run it again." I never knew what that person was called- the one that ran the show... I didn't really care, either.
I was always too focused on my parents- the two people that chewed each other's heads off every other night. But it was magic- it really was. There was this feeling when they got on stage together that no one else could ever conjure up.
"Hi, princess." My mother's eyes were melting right into mine as she spoke into the microphone.
Letting out a soft laugh, I sank back into my chair as the opening rifts of one of their many songs flooded the room.
I can still remember sitting in the empty arena, the only other people in sight were the members of the band, the stage crew and Suzanna... It was like a really big, extended family and for a long time, it felt like the only family I was ever a huge part of.
We did everything together while they were on the road. We celebrated holidays, went to really exciting places and we all met incredible people. It was like a new adventure every, single day. But it wasn't always great fun.
My parents bumped heads so often, by the time I was eight I had learned to completely zone out their arguing. They could have been throwing shoes at one another right in front of the tv and I would still know exactly what was happening in the show. I had mastered the art of escaping.
There were moments in my life where I couldn't believe that they had even gotten along long enough to have a child... They drove each other insane. They drove me insane.
"You know they love you, Lark." Suzanna could always tell when I was upset.
I think it was my eyes that gave it away for her. I didn't cry often growing up- it had to have been something really bad to make me cry and I still don't cry often, even when the world is crashing down around me.
I don't remember why, but I felt upset it that moment as I watched them sing a little bit and then discuss.
Nodding my head a little, "I know," I couldn't take my eyes off the stage, because if I did, I knew I would miss something.
We sat there for about an hour, and then, usually, after the rehearsal- everyone just kind of scattered. Most of the band would slip into the crowd backstage, while Stevie and the small circle of women that she defined had as her very close friends all headed to the dressing rooms to get ready. But that night was different and maybe that's why I remember it so well.
Instead of disappearing, both of my parents made a beeline towards us and I knew something was wrong. Their mouths were moving, but over the sound of all the crew members checking the speakers, there was no way I could prepare myself.
"Lark, you're gonna spend the break with me." My father announced as soon as they were within feet of us.
"No, you aren't." She replied, eyes burning a hole into him. "You're spending the break with me, like always." She was over exaggerating- I didn't spend every break with her, but I definitely didn't spend a ton of time with him either.
"You need help, Stevie." His words didn't mean much to me then, because like most children, I was very oblivious to the fact there was so much circulating through the band... I had no idea how much help she needed until much later in life.
With a simple flick of her wrist, my mother tossed her cup of water in his direction, but like all good troublemakers, he dodged it. "Don't you dare tell her things like that." She never wanted me to look at her differently, I know that now. "Don't say stuff like that." She had tears in her eyes as she sank to her knees in front of me.
"She should know the tru-" he was getting ready to tell her that I deserved to understand what was happening and looking back, I'm glad he didn't get that chance.
"Stop!" She yelled, standing back up to argue.
"Honey?" Suzanna's words cut them off as she looked from them, back to me. "Who do you want to spend the break with?" She was a voice of reason more often than not.
Creasing a brow softly, "You?" I whispered, trying hard not to make eye contact with either of my parents.
She glanced back up at them, both of whom had grown completely silent. "I'm fine with that." Suzanna had taken me before and I loved it.
She lived a really simple life outside of traveling with us. She didn't have anything overly spectacular, instead it was the total opposite. She lived in a cute, three bedroom house in Santa Monica with her husband of thirty years at the time and their two golden doodles. She had kids and grandkids, but they all ventured off on their, except for her youngest, who was like twenty one. Allison was like my older sister for a really long time and they all made me feel so welcome in their little, secluded lives.
I would go on to spend a lot of time hanging out with Suzanna and her family. It felt normal and I think that's why I had so many issues with my mother and father in the years that followed.
