~S~
She didn't come home for three days. She wouldn't and I couldn't make her.
But I did really miss her. Actually, I had lost count of how many times I had called over to Suzanna's house to check up on her... it was probably at least ten, but maybe even more.
She was just upset with us, but I had to remind myself that it wasn't her decisions to make... I was an adult, and if I thought I was doing the right thing, I was going to do it.
And I did. I truly, deep down believed that it was our time. It was finally, after a million ups and downs- time to find comfort with the man that I was deeply in love with.
We were both at this stage in our lives that just made it hard not to find our way back to a place that felt secure.
We were on the cusp of 50 and really somber by then... for the most part, at least.
It just seemed right, but I wouldn't say perfect.
"It's so late, Steph." He was standing right behind me, hands on my shoulders as his tired eyes focused on the nightly news. "Come to bed?" Lindsey leaned forward, leaving a soft kiss on the curve of my neck.
I shifted on the sofa, glancing over at the clock on the wall that told me it was just a little after one in the morning. "I'm not tired." I wasn't- I never really was.
That's where we differed a lot. Lindsey liked routine- he hadn't always, but the older he got, the more he did. He wanted to eat dinner at a normal time, work for a couple of hours, maybe watch a little tv, then go to bed at a decent time.
And if I wasn't on the road, I didn't have a schedule. I stayed up all night and slept most of the day, which made it hard for us in that aspect... Still does sometimes, but make it work better now.
"Goodnight, baby." He gave me one more subtle squeeze as he planted another kiss on my head.
He had changed a lot... to a certain extent. He hadn't always agreed with my way of life- him and Lark were my biggest critics for a long time.
He thought it would have been healthier for me to get on a normal, everyday schedule... maybe then I wouldn't struggle so much in different aspects of my life? I don't really know, but that wasn't who I was... It isn't who I am.
Don't get wrong, he didn't always have my best interests in mind, but by the 90's, he was different. I saw something more with him. I knew we could have made it work and after the second rehab stay, I wanted nothing more than a life with that man.
It doesn't always work out the way we hope, of course.
"I love you." I whispered, reaching back to take his hand in mine.
"I love you more." I didn't believe that... I couldn't.
It was hard to imagine a love stronger than the one I had for him could even existed.
I stayed up for a couple more hours- writing in my journal and listening to a Joni Mitchell vinyl on repeat... I just kept flipping it.
I used to find a lot of refuge in my quiet time... I needed it to function.
"Lark?" I pushed myself up off the sofa as soon as I heard the front door open, wrapping my silk robe around myself a little tighter as I ventured through the living room.
"It's me." She assured, kicking her shoes off and tossing them into the closet.
She was in a pair of ripped up jeans with chains dangling from the belt loops... she was very 90's grunge- it was amazing. She was cool, I can't disagree with that.
"Did Suzanna drive you home?" I wondered, pulling back the curtains by the door to glance out the window.
"No," she shook her head, leaning back into the wall as she stared over at me. "I told her that my friend was bringing me home, but instead we went to a party at Austin's." Sometimes she wasn't afraid to lie to me- she didn't care.
It wasn't like she was going to follow my rules anyway and I think sometimes she just needed the reassurance that I wasn't going to be mad at her... She was young- nothing she did would ever make me love her any less and she knew that.
"Who's Austin?" I creased a brow, sinking to one side as I decided to only lecture her on one topic at a time.
Sometimes I tried to let things go... I reminded myself that even though I was her mom, I could also be her friend. We didn't have to be enemies.
"It's just some guy I go to school with." She shrugged a shoulder, annoyed that I even asked.
I nodded my head, pursing my lips to one side. "Did you have a good time?" I knew she wasn't going to tell much more than the simple, cookie cutter details.
We could only scrape the surface of conversation at that point. The teenage years were no joke, that's for sure.
"Yeah, I did." She assured, still leaning up against the wall.
I could tell she wanted to say something more- she had that look in her eyes. And she also hadn't escaped to her room yet, which was really unlike her.
"Is he just gonna move in, or what?" She didn't sound crappy about it- she was actually very soft.
"He just decided to stay for the night." I wasn't lying, but I also wasn't totally telling the truth either.
Lindsey wanted to move in, he really did and I wanted that too, but I couldn't make Lark miserable either.
We had to find a common ground- some peace for all of us to be happy and it wasn't easy.
"If you think this is going to work out so well, move him in." Deep down, I kind of knew she wanted a normal life.
She wanted two parents who loved each other, but since it had never been that way, or at least not in the traditional sense, it was scary.
"I think that would be really good for us as a family." I agreed, desperately hoping she was being genuine.
"Are you happy?" She asked in a very gentle voice.
I stared at her for a second, taking a moment to seriously think about that question before I replied. "I'm happier than I've been in a really long time." I admitted with a subtle nod of my head.
"And that's all that matters."
