~L~
I think it was a Sunday morning when my mom sat me down at the kitchen table to have the conversation that I had been dreading for years. My dad was there, too but he was leaning back against the counter, holding a cup of coffee and letting Stevie do all the talking.
And at that point, he was always there... right behind her.
"I'm not ready for that though." I creased a brow, having been completely silent while she explained to me that it was time for Suzanna to retire... Something that felt catastrophic to me. "I still need her." I felt like I did... I felt like we all did.
But looking back, I was almost nineteen, so it wasn't like she was driving me around, or taking care of me while my parents were gone, and my mom had Karen, so she wasn't really needed for that anymore either.
I had grown up.
"Honey..." my mom creased a brow, trying to be as soft as possible as she stared at me with those big brown eyes. "She's ready and it's time." Stevie was sad too- I could tell by the crack in her voice and the glossy look in her orbs.
She loved Suzanna, almost as much as I did. They didn't always agree and they might have argued occasionally, but they both held each other on such a high pedestal.
"She can't leave me." I had tears in my eyes, my nose had started to burn and the tone in my voice had shifted.
And that might have sounded really selfish of me to want her to stay, but you have to remember, she had been there my entire life.
I mean, somewhere around here, I have old home videos of her sitting on our living room floor in Venice Beach, holding out her hands as I took my first steps across the old carpet... I was headed right to her and she was there to catch me- like always.
I didn't know life without her and I didn't want to.
"She isn't leaving you..." my mom has always had a way about her that is just incredibly comforting, even when you don't want her to be.
She's always very soft and gentle, and that morning was no exception. She was trying her very best to make me feel better, and I still appreciate her for that.
She's the kind of mom anyone would be lucky to have... flaws and all.
"She will always be one call away and right across town." She slipped her hand around my shoulders, lips meeting the top of my head.
I had my eyes on the floor, not wanting either of them to see just how upset I had gotten, even though I was sure it was super obvious.
Suzanna kept my world turning for so long, I just didn't know how we were going to do it...
"You have to remember..." Stevie lingered on that for a second, looking up at my dad with a soft set of eyes before she continued. "Suzanna is almost 70." She didn't say that to make it sound like she was some ancient old lady, but it kind of seemed that way in the moment.
"So, what?" I still think age is just a number... Who cares if you're twenty- eight or eighty? "You can't let her go." I shook my head, bringing my hand up to my face as the tears fell down my cheeks....
It hurt... a lot.
"You wanna know what Suzanna and I talked about?" When she said that, it sounded like she was talking to me as if I were still eight years old... She had a little smile, trying her best to be enthusiastic. "Suzanna told me that she wanted to go to Italy..." she was crying, too... I remember that well. "To Rome and Florence." She continued as she slowly sank to her knees in front of me. "She wants to be retired, so she can spend that time with her kids and her husband." She always took my face in her hands when she wanted me to really listen and it always worked. "I think giving her that trip is something we should do to celebrate all of her years with us, don't you think?" She had always been a gift giver... that was how she reminded everyone around her just how much she loved them.
I nodded, still so distraught, I could hardly see her face and she was right in front of me. "But she told me that we could go to the mall this weekend to look for a dress for Austin's parents anniversary party...." I whispered, heart beating so fast, I felt like I could have gotten sick.
And you may think that I was overreacting, but when you spend as much time with someone as I did with Suzanna, it does break your heart when they have to go...
With a tear filled giggle, my mom leaned in to press a kiss to my head. "I'm sure she would be more than happy to go with you."
~
It wasn't long after that I slipped out the front door of our home and headed towards Suzanna's. She always lived close to us- within twenty minutes, and less of the traffic wasn't bad.
But this time, when I pulled up to the curb right outside the little yellow house, she was waiting for me on the front step... It was like she knew I was on the way.
"70 isn't even old." I was still crying, but I cracked a smile as I began to head up the sidewalk.
She chuckled and for the first time ever, I think I noticed how much she'd aged...
At one time, Suzanna had really long brown hair and by then, she'd cut it to her shoulders and it was the perfect silver gray. And she had age spots, some wrinkles... But she was still the best there ever was.
"Look at you..." she held out her hands, wanting me to take a seat next to her on that old concrete step. "You're all grown up, sweet girl." She was sad- she had been crying too.
My head met her shoulder immediately, closing my eyes to soak up that moment. "I would do anything to go back..." I admitted. "I want to be in random cities with you and mom, making dreamcatchers and practicing my times tables..." I was truly devastated... I don't know how else to explain it.
She wrapped me in the safety of her arms, chin resting on the top of my head as she thought back to that time as well. "So would I, Lark."
