All I hide

*****

Dear Sam,

If you're reading this, it means I'm no longer here. I really hope you and Alex are doing okay and grow to become wonderful people who shine their light on everyone they meet. You're not angry with me, are you? I want to explain to you why I did it and all I can ask is that you try to understand.

I was struggling for a long time and couldn't go on anymore. It was hard, Sam, pushing myself to keep going every day, trying to smile and stay positive when deep down I was completely miserable and empty inside. For so many years, I told myself that it'll get better. I told myself to stay strong for you and Alex. But I wasn't strong, Sam. I never was and only pretended I could be.

I was so lonely. Being clouded by that darkness, without seeing a way out, it was killing me. I know what you're thinking. How can I be lonely when I have you two and my family? It didn't matter though. Ultimately, it didn't matter. I don't say this to be harsh or ungrateful. You were all amazing, so supportive and loving and I cherish all of you so so much. Maybe I could've gotten better...but it got to a point where I no longer wanted to stick around to find out. I'd given up.

Your father's distant behaviour with me grew over time. I'm sure you and Alex noticed it even though I tried to act like it was okay. 'Your father's just tired. It's okay, he's not angry with me, just a little frustrated because of work.' How many times did I use that excuse or similar ones? He was such a lovely man when I first met him and a good father to both of you...how were we to know he was lying to us all long? A second family...the thought of it makes me sick.

That was the last straw. Everything escalated from there. A downward spiral that dragged me down until I was gone. I was so far gone, I couldn't recognise myself anymore. I'd look in the mirror and feel so disgusted with myself for ever trusting and loving him. For letting myself fall for someone who was dishonest all along. Two identities? Which one was the real one? My husband or Anja's husband?

Anja...the poor woman. I don't hate her at all. We were both betrayed. How did he manage to play both of us when we were work colleagues? She used to visit here with her kids. I'd take you both round to hers. Is she thinking the same things I am? Is she feeling the same pain I feel? She's stronger than me though, isn't she? She's not letting this break her or, at the very least, rebuilding herself from her broken parts.

I wish I had that strength but I don't. I really couldn't bounce back from this. I'm so sorry I left this way. I'm sorry that I won't be around to see you both grow up and live your lives. I won't be there to meet your future partners, listen to you rant about school, work or life in general. I won't be there to see your kids if you have any. I'm sorry. So so sorry.

My one regret is leaving you both behind at a time when you need me most. I'm sorry for not being the mother you needed me to be.

Promise me something Sam.

Promise me that no matter what, you and Alex will always stick together. Always look out for each other and have each other's backs.

I need to go now.

I love you and Alex so much.

-          Mum xx