All I hide

Chapter 13

Remembering I wanted hot chocolate earlier, I make my way to the kitchen and set the saucepan on the stove. As I'm taking the milk out of the fridge, Alex pops up beside me. I don't look at him and simply carry on with my task, waiting for him to speak first.

It's when I'm adding the cut up chocolate to the milk that he finally speaks. "Are you okay?" His tone gives nothing away.

"Not really." I just need to make this hot chocolate and get through the conversation without slipping up and angering him again.

"Where did you go today?"

"Walking. I didn't really go anywhere."

"You were out for so long and then in your room for ages."

Was he worried about me? Of course he was. He might be resenting me at the moment but that stemmed from how concerned he was because I was always shutting him out. Is it me he's resenting or the way I kept pretending? Maybe a bit of both? "Do you want some?" I turn the stove off and use a ladle to fill my mug.

"Yeah."

I fill a mug for him too then gesture for him to join me at the table. He does, staring at his mug and lost in thought. The silence drags on for a while before he looks at me. I'm not sure what he's thinking but there's no hate in his gaze like other times. Are things between us going to mend?

"Jacob told me you've been talking to John again."

"I have."

"Are you both friends again?"

"Yep."

"Why were you crying earlier?"

How do I answer that? There's so many reasons, most of which I'm not sure of and can't put into words. Will he think I'm deflecting if I reply vaguely? If I say I'm hurting will he think I'm being selfish? "Because you can't stand me and now Auntie's angry too but I don't blame any of you because it's my fault in the first place."

Something flickers in his eyes but he quickly hides it. He doesn't say anything further, finishing his drink and leaving the mug in the sink before exiting the room. Once again I'm left alone with that strange feeling in my heart and a pinching in my gut but this time it doesn't hurt as much. This time I'm determined. Even if the world gives up on me, I refuse to give up on myself.

****

I'm working on my assignment a week later when Jacob approaches me, sitting on my bed. He hands me a chocolate muffin.

"What's this?" I look between him and the muffin suspiciously, wondering if he's got a hidden agenda.

"Ah don't look at me like that." He smiles and raises his hands in surrender. "I made these and wanted to give you the first one."

"Really?"

"Really," he says earnestly. "I forced Catherine to tell me everything and I want you to know that you won't lose me. I'm here for you and so glad that you're not giving up." A brief pause as he considers his words and then he cringes. "You're making me say cheesy stuff. Don't say a word to anyone about this interaction. It will ruin my tough guy reputation."

Chuckling, I nod then shove him away. "Of course. We wouldn't want anything to tarnish your name."

"I'll be off now since I gotta do my homework. That muffin better be finished when I return."

"Yes sir."

He leaves the room and I look at the muffin. It's double chocolate and as I take a bite, the sponge is light and moist. Tough guy who? Jacob's one of the sweetest people I know. He was three years old when Alex was born and is super protective over him, no matter how much they goof around. Even towards me and Catherine, he's usually silly and plays around. But what teenager wants to show that side when their peers think they're cool and tough?

I wonder what side of himself Alex shows at school. He's usually the open-book type, never hiding how he feels. The past couple of weeks he's been pretty quiet and with school opening again now that break is over, I hope interacting with his friends helps him cheer up a little. After having hot chocolate the other night, he went back to ignoring me but it's okay. At least he doesn't glare at me icily anymore. It's better that I give him the space to approach me in his own time rather than being pushy. Everyone needs space to process things and figure out what to do.

It's occurred to me that had I not suppressed everything back then, I probably wouldn't be struggling this much right now. I should've let myself grieve instead of shutting it all out. Yes, there's been many times I cried myself to sleep but every time I was more conscious of not disturbing anyone than properly crying it out. Had I let myself just pause for a moment and acknowledge it, I'd be more accepting of my emotions instead of berating myself for them. Maybe I wouldn't always be at war with myself and hurting everyone else in the process.

With these thoughts in my mind, I finish the muffin then get back to my assignment.