All I hide

Chapter 15

A few days later, I wake up to a silent house. Outside, clouds fill the sky, giving it a shade that's not fully grey nor fully blue but somewhere in between. It's oddly pretty and calming, soothing my heart and soul as if telling me it understands how I'm feeling and I'm not wrong to feel this way. A little sad and hurt but hopeful and grateful too. Broken but mending. Wounded but healing.

Making my way downstairs after freshening up, I go to the kitchen to make brunch since I slept the morning away. There's a note for me on the fridge.

Sam, I've gone shopping but should be back for lunch. Auntie x

Hmm guess I'll eat something light and make lunch instead then. I toast a slice of bread, put soft cheese spread on it and quickly munch it down before getting to work. Today's menu is chicken pasta salad and garlic bread. I'm hoping it stimulates my appetite so I can eat more. I need to make up the weight I lost and not lose any more.

Aunt Kathleen arrives as I'm bringing the dishes to the table. Smiling at her, I fill two glasses with mango juice and bring those to the table too. We haven't spoken a lot since that time so it's a little awkward between us but I'm hoping we can patch things up. "You're just in time. I made us lunch."

She nods and sits down, filling a plate for me and then for herself. "How have you been?"

"Mm it's wishy washy. What about you?"

"Good. I'm good."

I nod and turn to my food, letting the awkwardness fester in the silence. When it becomes almost unbearable I ask, "What did you buy?"

"The usual. Groceries and other things." Her attention remains on her meal; she's not looked at me once since sitting down to eat.

Is she still mad at me? Surely not, right? It's not like her to hold onto anger for more than a couple of days but I've caused her so much stress. Ironic isn't it? I forced myself to be okay so no one worries about me but that was what caused them to worry. "Auntie, are you still angry with me?" I ask cautiously, my grip on my fork tightening.

"No, darling. I'm not," she sighs then looks at me. "I shouldn't have snapped at you the other day. You were already upset and I made it worse."

"It's okay. I should've informed you that I was going out."

"I went to find you afterwards so we could talk it out but when I got to your room, I heard you crying and Catherine trying to comfort you. I thought it'd be better if I let you both have that space instead of intruding."

"So you've not had enough of me?" My voice comes out weaker than I intend.

"Never. I told you I'm here and I meant that."

Not sure what to say, I turn back to my food, feeling lighter now that the awkward air has dissipated. The past couple of weeks I've been focusing on my own things like studying, reading, going out with Catherine and hanging out with John – trying to get some balance back in my life and appreciate the things around me instead of being stuck in my mind all the time. I feel like I've been immobile and stagnant all this time but am slowly finding the motivation to move again. Actually move forwards that is, not just occasional splashes and ripples that don't go anywhere.

"Sam, when you were gone for so long, we were scared that something had happened to you...or that you'd done something to yourself."

It takes a second for her words to register, a slight chill running through me. I look at her, my expression slightly horrified but fully determined. "Never. I would never do that."

She nods then a thought comes to her, her eyes becoming sadder but lips smiling in sympathy. "Alex especially. He kept looking out the window for you but retreated to his room as soon as he saw you in the driveway."

"Really?" I chuckle but my face crumples in pain. So that's why he spoke to me that night – to reassure himself that I'm still here. Oh Alex, how long will we keep playing this game of silence? I really want to reach out to you but am scared you'll flip and lash out again. That's not selfish of me right? I just don't know if I'll be able to handle it a second time and would rather not find out. "Why is he acting so tough? What's he trying to prove?"

"I can ask you the same question. Why were you acting like none of it hurt you and that you were completely fine? I understand that you wanted to put on a brave face for Alex but you never had to do that around me."

"Auntie..."

"You started opening up to me a while ago so let's keep that up, yeah? If you want to talk to me about anything or even do anything together, just come to me."

"Okay." I'd like that. I really would. Before everything happened, Aunt Kathleen would always invite me and Mum for days out with her and Catherine. Though Mum didn't feel up to it every time, she'd never stop me from going, wanting me to have those experiences even if she couldn't give them to me. It's an essential part of girlhood, she'd tell me. You need to bond with the females around you. I wonder now if she was referring to her escapades with Aunt Kathleen from her younger days or if maybe Grandma would take them out a lot too. "It can be like old times. I won't push you away anymore."

She beams at me, her eyes so soft and warm with maternal love. "That's great. Now tell me what you've been up to. I heard you've been talking to John again."

"I have. I was terrified he'd be mad at me but he was just so relieved to have me back again. I don't understand how he patiently suffered my cold treatment for two years though. Anyone would've given up a lot sooner."

"I don't know. He's unique that way huh? Anja is such a lovely woman too. I'm glad Kaitlyn had a reliable friend who cherished her."

"How is she?" That familiar cloud of guilt swirls inside me but I swallow it down before it lodges in my throat and burns my eyes.

"She's doing well but she misses you and Alex."

"Mmm." I avert my gaze for a second then smile as I turn to her again. "Oh, John introduced me to some of his friends the other day. I've hung out with them a few times now. They're pretty nice."

"Pretty nice? Is that all?"

"Well from what I've gathered, Elijah is friendly and smiles a lot. Elliott is a dramatic flirt who likes getting on John's nerves and Reina can't talk but is very expressive anyways and maybe the only rational one keeping the rest of them in check."

"That's the perfect crowd for you, isn't it?"

"I guess so."

"You seem a little brighter these days. It's lovely to see."

"I'm feeling brighter too."