All I hide

Chapter 42

I thought dinner would be awkward with Alex and Jacob bringing up what happened after school but surprisingly it isn't. Yes there's a tension floating around but since it's not directed to anyone in the room, it's bearable. Catherine and I don't say a word while Alex and Jacob explain what happened and Aunt Kathleen and Uncle Michael ask questions and discuss what the best course of action will be. I figure I should speak up about my concerns regarding John and Anna though.

"Umm." I raise my hand a little to get their attention but no one notices.

"He's not contacted anyone all this time so what does he want now?" Aunt Kathleen mutters angrily. "Instead of sneaking around why not just try to call us first? It wouldn't bug me nearly as much if he wasn't approaching it like this."

After a few more failed attempts, Catherine looks my way, smirks then stands and slams her hands on the table. "Everyone. Sam has something to say."

"Umm," a little startled by the sudden attention I fumble on my words. "Last weekend...Dad texted John asking to meet up. Now he tried to find Alex. What if he approaches Anna? I just...maybe we should talk to Anja too and see what she says. It's clear he's not welcome by anyone but that doesn't mean we should act rashly."

"I don't want to see him," Alex says sternly. "Just don't make me see him."

"No one's going to do that," Jacob reassures him. "Let's discuss this later. No point in ruining our evening over this."

"For the time being, I'll pick you both up from school," Aunt Kathleen suggests.

"What about work?" Jacob asks.

"I'll leave early on the days I'm working. Your safety and well-being is more important."

Alex gets up from the table and makes his way out of the room. "I'm going to bed."

"What about your food?"

"It's finished." He leaves the room without another word, the tension becoming awkward as we all try to not focus on his empty seat.

Uncle Michael clears his throat. "Sam don't worry. We'll talk to Anja and make sure your father doesn't try anything."

I manage a small smile and try to finish my food. What is even going on? These past four days have been a whirlwind but I don't want to break down again. It's okay. It'll be okay.

****

Hey Mum,

Sorry for reaching out at this ridiculously late hour but I can't sleep. I told you that if Dad reached out to me, I'd go see him without hesitation but it's occurring to me that I'm the only one who'd do so. John said no and now Alex too. Dad was at his school today and Jacob helped sneak him away unseen. He keeps saying 'Don't make me see him. I don't want to see him'. He said it at dinner and again and again any time one of us went to check up on him. It's okay that they don't want to. That's their choice to make. I guess it just shocks me a little at how coldly adamant they are about it though... which is silly because it's the expected reaction after everything that happened. If you're feeling hurt and angry towards someone of course you don't want to see them.

So why does some tiny part of me still hang on? Why do I still think of the good times? That faith, telling myself he's still my father, it's been fading but it's there. I really don't know Mum. Should I just let go? I know he's never going to contact me and I've accepted it. Maybe he cared once but I doubt he does anymore. Everyone's expressed how unwelcome he is and the bigger part of me doesn't welcome him either... even you couldn't stand him in the end. You left this world hating him and I'm sure you'll never love him again.

Auntie could barely hold her anger in and Uncle made it clear that he won't let Dad come near us. Catherine was cursing him the other day and the icy hatred in Jacob's eyes can make anyone's skin crawl. Alex has seemed troubled ever since John told him about Dad and today was the last straw. He was trembling in my arms, Mum. Trembling. So afraid and upset and angry. What should I do? John's become quiet and upset too and I feel stuck. I want to help them but with both of them barely saying a word, it's difficult. I guess all I can do is give them space while letting them know I'm there. Sometimes you just need someone, right?

Elliott said this to me once. He said he doesn't mind me sharing my problems with him because I'm not expecting him to solve them and make everything better. 'Sometimes, all we need is someone to just be there. Someone who'll laugh with us and cry with us. Someone we can fool around with but also have deep conversations with.' Maybe that's who I need to be. Instead of stressing myself out and overthinking, just take things as they come and do what I can.

It'll be okay. I have to believe it'll be okay and things will work out. Never mind the how. It's been a rollercoaster of a journey already and we've made it this far so there's no reason why we can't keep going. I told you it's been possible because I'm not alone. I didn't finish my last letter so I didn't get to say this but I didn't just mean the people here with me physically. I meant you too. You're here with me in these letters I write to you. You're here with me any time something reminds me of you. I know there was a rough patch in which I didn't write to you for a long time but even then, you were still there right? Looking down on all of us from above and patiently waiting for me to write again.

Reina told me something today that really hit me. 'You're not bad. You've just told yourself you are.' I think this is something that you needed to hear back then. I don't know if it would have changed anything but here it is. You're not bad Mum. I'm not either.

Anyways, I'm going to try sleeping now. My mind is a little clearer than before.

Goodnight. Love you lots.

Sam x