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Chapter 23

"This is where we first met," Elliott says to John, breaking the silence. "On a quiet October evening just over a year ago."

"I came here to be alone for a while, only for you to be here. It would've been rude to ask you to leave so I just sat beside you instead."

"The silence was so comfortable. I just knew I had to befriend you." There's a soft look in his eyes but it's different from the one he gives me. It reminds me of the way John looks at me sometimes, the one he gave me when we started speaking again and every time he reassured me he's here to stay.

John chuckles lightly and I notice his eyes have become glassy. October just over a year ago...that would've been around the time of his sixteenth birthday. I didn't wish him anything or even bother to pay him a visit. Then I did the same last October on his seventeenth birthday. Guilt eats away at me. I was so horrible to him. It doesn't matter if he's forgiven me; part of me will always feel bad. Suddenly, I feel like I shouldn't be here. I don't deserve to be here.

Just as I'm about to leave, John reaches for my hand. "Whatever you're thinking right now, stop it."

"I'm not –"

"Don't lie to me." His tone is gentle but firm and I can feel his gaze on me.

"I'm sorry." I pull my hand back and turn away from him, shifting so I'm directly facing the lake instead and putting a little more space between us.

He sighs but says nothing further and Elliott doesn't comment either. It's always been this way, I realise. Whenever I'm being stubborn or difficult, John is patient. I know earlier I was thinking about not dwelling on the past but it's only easy to do that when there's no attachment. How do I let go of what I did when it caused so much damage? And yes, nothing disastrous happened in the objective sense but everyone was hurting and grieving and I added to it. I broke John's heart. The one true friend I've had all this time and what did I do? I broke Alex's heart too and he masked all the pain with anger. Though he never said it out loud, it was evident in the way he behaved and the broken way he looked at me when he apologised. He still looks at me like that sometimes, the remorse we both feel not yet gone away.

That's what it is, isn't it? This torturous feeling. Deeper than mere guilt and so full of shame and regret. Some days it's bearable and I think I'm finally letting go but then there's days like this, where it hits me so strongly out of the blue and I'm at a loss of what to do.

I knew this process would be hard but I never fathomed just how hard it would be. Acknowledging that I needed to change was the first step and reaching out to everyone was the second. Just those two things were incredibly daunting and I nearly failed multiple times. But I did it, right? Somehow I managed to do it. Forgiving myself, however, feels like an entirely different matter.

Tears blur my vision and as I blink, they fall down my cheeks. John reaches for me again, putting his arms around me. "You idiot," he murmurs. "You think I wouldn't notice where your mind is taking you right now? How many times do I need to tell you we're okay?"

"I..."

"I know. I know you believe me and don't want to think these thoughts. I know part of you still feels bad for what happened. It's going to take time to let it go but please, Sam, stop hating yourself for it." He pulls back and presses a kiss to my temple. "Please? Not just for my sake but yours too."

"Seriously," I ask quietly, "why are you so good to me?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" he gives me a lopsided smile then turns to Elliott. "Don't you agree Ellie? What reason have I to be bad to Sam?"

Elliott's watching us both carefully and his eyes flicker to John upon being acknowledged then go back to me. It's hard to tell what he's thinking but before I can dwell on it, he looks away and nods. "Of course. There's never any reason to treat someone badly or be unkind."

But that's exactly what I did. His hazel eyes return to me, as if he knows what I'm thinking, and he gives me a smile before adding, "There's also no reason why we should hold prejudice against someone who's acknowledged their mistakes and wants to become better."

That stir in my chest comes back and for some reason it feels heavier. Here's two people who are really important to me. John, who's been a constant and whose ideals are a little odd but beautiful. Elliott, who is beginning to see how much of a mess I am but is choosing to stay anyway. Both of them so full of light and goodness and something so pure. What did I ever do to deserve them?

Maybe that's not the point though. Maybe it's about learning to accept the good in our lives, even if we feel unworthy and undeserving, instead of looking for the reasons why it's there. It's not a competition. Everyone has a different capacity of what they can give and different ways of giving it. I shouldn't feel bad if someone gives more than I can if what I'm giving is the best I can give. Rather I should show my appreciation and not take it for granted.

"Thank you both of you. Really. John, you for not giving up on me and Elliott, you for not running away or pushing me to reveal everything."

"I told you we're in this together," John grins at me. "I'm not going to repeat all the paragraphs I keep giving you so please, let this be the last time you apologise and the last time I tell you it's all good."

"I asked you if you're willing to take a chance with me but that should also mean I'm willing to take a chance with you." Elliott's lips tug in his signature flirtatious smile before it becomes wickedly mischievous. "Like John said, we're all in this together."

Dread dawns on me as I realise what he's about to do. John realises too and turns to him pleadingly. "Please don't sing."

"I'm going to sing." He stands up in front of us and takes a deep breath. "We're all in this together!"

And so, we spend the rest of the afternoon with Elliott singing all the songs from High School Musical, John refusing all his requests to join in and me eventually laughing and cheering along.