All I hide

Chapter 14

As I'm leaving the classroom I get a text from John asking me to meet him in the cafeteria if I'm free because he wants me to meet his friends. I figure why not since I need to wait for Catherine so we can go shopping together after. Pushing my way past masses of students, I spot him sitting at a table with them, his brown curls peeking out from his grey beanie. I'm starting to think it's his go-to hairstyle so that he doesn't have to bother with it rather than from the cold but who knows?

He spots me as I reach the table and grins at me. "Hey."

"Hey." I turn my attention to his friends but don't recognise them. There's two guys, the one next to John has dark skin, friendly brown eyes and braided hair and the other has fair skin dotted with freckles, messy golden hair and hazel eyes. The girl has light brown skin, luscious black hair and dark brown eyes, the winged liner making them seem sharp.

"Guys this is Sam," John introduces as I sit down.

"Hi," the dark-skinned one greets me. "I'm Elijah and that's Elliott and Reina. It's nice to finally meet you. John talks about you a lot."

"He does?" I narrow my eyes at him teasingly but he shrugs, not the least bit embarrassed.

"Yes, every opportunity he gets," Elliott adds then props his chin on his hand and tilts his head slightly, checking me out. "I think I understand now why he kept you hidden for so long. You're totally my type."

Umm how do I respond to that? I blink slowly, feeling heat rise in my cheeks.

"Hey, no flirting with my sister," John scolds him, holding his arm out in front of me. "Keep your wandering eyes off her."

Elliott smirks but raises his hands in surrender.

I notice Reina hasn't said anything but is paying attention to everyone with great interest. She catches my gaze and smiles at me but doesn't say anything. Is she shy?

"So Sam tell us about yourself," Elijah requests.

"Hasn't John told you everything at this point?"

"I want to confirm if the stories he told are true."

"Well that depends on what the stories are," I say with an air of mystery, leaning back in my seat and crossing my arms, my lips tugging into a secretive smile.

"Did you really climb to the top of a tree to hide from him?"

"Of course. Hide and seek is a very serious game you know."

"What about when he tackled you into the mud just so he could get the first pick of ice cream?"

I glance at John and he's looking at me pleadingly. See I was the loud wild child and he was the quiet sensible one but it seems he's trying to paint himself as more adventurous than he was. I guess the roles are reversed now with me keeping more to myself and him becoming more outgoing. Should I let him have this one? It was actually me who tackled him. "Yup that happened too."

Beside me, John very quietly lets out a sigh of relief and I try not to chuckle. "Listen guys," he draws their attention, "everything I told you is probably true so you just gotta take my word for it."

"Probably?" Elliott chirps, his brows raising. "That just makes me more sceptical."

"Have you ever known me to lie?"

"If you have, none of us know." Elliott turns to me with a hopeful expression. "Sam, you'll tell us the truth right? Not like this scheming liar over here."

"Sorry." I shrug nonchalantly. "You'll just have to believe him."

He gasps dramatically, putting a hand to his chest. "And I was hoping you'd side with me. You're a cruel lady."

Reina smiles amusedly and elbows him.

"Ow! Reina not you too!" he pouts like a child and gives her puppy eyes to which she scoffs.

"Anyways," Elijah cuts in, "how long have you two known each other?"

"Since we were five," John answers before me. "We bonded over colouring a picture of a bathing elephant."

"Ooh maybe that's what I need to do. Sam should I bring a picture for us to colour next time?" Elliott looks at me sweetly, leaning on the table with his head on his hands.

"No." I return his look with a flat one.

"I said back off my sister." John glares at him.

"Don't worry bro. I'm just teasing."

I can't help but laugh a little. Is this what it's like to have a protective big brother? Even before we knew we were siblings, he always made sure to keep me safe as best as he could. "John it's okay. I can handle myself." My phones buzzes and I see a text from Catherine letting me know she's waiting outside. "Well I gotta go now. It was nice meeting all of you."

"Where are you going?" John asks as I get up from my seat.

"I'm meeting Catherine. I'll call you later, okay?"

"Okay."

"Don't miss me too much!" Elliott yells as I leave.

"I won't!"

****

Later that evening, I go to the living room with my notebook and a pen and sit cross-legged on the sofa a distance away from Alex and Jacob. I give them both a smile as I sit down. Jacob returns it and Alex looks at me for a second before looking away. Though it still hurts, this time apart from him is allowing me to process everything objectively and come to learn and accept quite a few things. Firstly that no one is wrong for feeling how they feel. Secondly that our mistakes don't define us. Thirdly that everyone needs time to focus on themselves and finally, healing is a difficult journey but one that we can venture at our own pace. Alex isn't hating or resenting me. He feels that I don't trust him and bottled up his hurt and frustration till it exploded. The guilt he felt realising how much I tried to shelter him has become twisted and makes him feel like he's incompetent and unreliable. I could've been strong for him without being dishonest and neglecting my own needs. Maybe then he wouldn't be feeling so bad right now.

Opening my notebook, I begin scribbling away without putting too much thought into it. I've written in here several times since freezing up in the library. I don't know why it was so hard then and a little bit easier now. Maybe because I've started opening up and taking care of myself again, which helped loosen the tangled knots in my mind.

Hey Mum,

Today was a good day. The first good day I've had in a while. Though Alex still won't talk to me, he's not cold and icy anymore so I'm taking that as a positive sign that things between us will improve. In my last letter to you, I told you that he hated me but I'm not sure that's actually true. I wish I knew what he was thinking. Is that something he also wished for on the days I was a little too quiet?

I've noticed if I look for something positive, the situation becomes more bearable. Still hard and painful but I have more courage to face it and more confidence that it won't ruin me, yet if it does becoming ruined doesn't mean I stop being worthy and loveable... I struggle with that notion sometimes, especially when it comes to forgiving and loving myself.

John introduced me to his friends today. Seeing how full of life he is is honestly astonishing. His optimism, the way he's always smiling and his eyes are sparkling, his gentle reassurance every time I feel low...I want to be like that. The crazy child I used to be, she's still there somewhere. I felt it today when hanging out with them and when shopping with Catherine. It was nice. Maybe nice is too bland a word to use but it was really nice. Something so pure and simple yet it engulfed me to the point I felt it in my soul. Wholesome. Heartwarming. Healing. If I could grab onto it, I'd never let it go. Put it in a small jar and always keep it with me.

Did you ever have moments like this? Even when the darkness was so intense you were drowning in it, was there a light that helped you see and a hand that reached down to pull you out? If you did, was it enough? I guess not... The light faded before you could follow it and the hand slipped away.

I hope where you are now is bright and that you're happy.

Love you always,

Sam x