All I hide

Chapter 26

Later that night, as I'm reheating the remaining hot chocolate for myself, Alex approaches me silently. His expression seems conflicted and hurt, his eyes glistening and lips drawn in a thin line.

"What is it?" I ask him softly.

He hugs me, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his head on my chest. "Why didn't you ever tell anyone?"

"Alex..." I try to pull away so I can get my hot chocolate but he doesn't let go. "I'm okay now. Please don't worry."

"All this time I just missed them but now I'm feeling angry. Look what they've done to you."

"It's okay. I just did what I had to do," I counter gently.

"But didn't you ever hate it? Didn't you feel angry? Why were you made to do so much?"

"I don't..." My anger was always directed to Dad for lying to all of us and abruptly leaving without a word. But was some of it also directed towards Mum? When I told her I didn't mind, was it for her sake or mine too? All these years I've been so terrified and unsure of myself but pushed it down and focused on whatever I needed to do. I didn't let myself grieve either because I wanted to be strong for Alex...because I promised her I'd look out for him. "She really regretted it you know? She hated herself for not being able to look after us properly and was trying her best despite the situation. And it's not like Dad was never at home. He was so good to us when he was there."

"You always do this," he says frustratedly, pulling away from me. "You always try to understand and justify someone instead of just letting them be wrong."

"Because people are more than their mistakes or struggles they're facing. Yeah, maybe some part of me is angry but holding onto it will just make me miserable..." I avert my gaze to the ground, letting out a sigh before admitting, "...more so than I already am."

"I-I've never seen you break down before. Not like that. You were terrified."

"I can manage everything but that. While everything else has gotten easier...giving someone pills is too much." Fear bubbles inside me again, my heart beating faster and hands trembling. "I can't do it. All I'm reminded of is Mum."

Alex reaches for me, hugging me tighter than before. "She shouldn't have asked you to do that. If she was planning to do that, she should've gotten the pills herself – especially since she knew that you'd come to check on her in the morning."

"It doesn't matter anymore. Sh-she's gone now."

"And we're still dealing with it. Look at you Sam," his voice softens to a whisper. "It hurts to see you this way. I know you've had a lot of good days recently but days like today really really suck."

"Yeah they really do."

When I go to bed that night, Catherine is fast asleep, hugging a hot water bottle. She's left one of her plushies on my bed, a fluffy bunny with long droopy ears and a lopsided smile. A light chuckle escapes me despite myself and as I pull my blanket over me, I somehow manage to fall asleep.

****

Dear Mum,

All this time, I've been missing you and trying to understand your reasons. In all my letters to you, I've told you about my day, whether they were good or bad, and different things I learnt or realised. Never once did I complain about anything or blame you for whatever I was facing. I just described things as they were and let my feelings regarding them out onto the page. Tonight though, I'm going acknowledge a truth I've to come process only now.

I always thought I was just angry at Dad but talking to Alex earlier made me realise that maybe I was angry towards you too, even if I didn't want to be. I told him I don't want to hold on to it but I shouldn't suppress or ignore it either. He was so right; the bad days really do suck. I get it. You wanted out but in doing so you dragged me in. It's like a tug of war between healing and succumbing to the darkness and I'm being pulled back and forth between them. I hate this. I really do. It's exhausting and as much as it stings to admit it, it wasn't solely my fault. Yes I could've taken better care of myself but I wasn't much older than Alex is now when it all started. You neglected me and Alex to the point I had no choice but to step up. Your bad days became increasingly frequent and as a result so did my stressful days. The only times I didn't need to stress were when Aunt Kathleen or Anja visited or the days when Dad was at home. On those days I could simply be the kid I was, not the adult I was forcing myself to be.

In your letter to me, you blamed Dad a lot. He was the one becoming cold and distant. He was the one who wasn't always home. He was the one who lied to everyone. Yes, all that is true. However, he's not the one who left me traumatised. He's not the reason I'm so scared all the time. It's not the aftermath of his actions that made me this way but yours.

I can't help but wonder, if I didn't cook dinner one day, would Alex and I have gone to bed hungry? If we didn't get ourselves ready for school, would you have bothered to do so? Sometimes I really wished to test you, to supposedly forget to do something just to see if you'd do it, but I didn't because that would mean I'm not taking care of Alex. One of us had to be the responsible one. If it wasn't you then it had to be me. Did you ever take advantage of that? You knew from day one that Alex was my priority and I'd never let anything bad happen to him. You also knew that I'd do anything you asked of me if I thought it would help you and ease your pain even just a little bit. Is that why you asked me for the pills?

Why did you do that? Why would you be so cruel? If you really had to go, wasn't leaving me a letter enough? I would've found you and the letter the next morning. It would've shocked me and everyone else and hurt a lot but at least I wouldn't be blaming myself or having a breakdown over some stupid painkillers. Was this trauma supposed to be some kind of twisted parting gift?

I'm really sorry for saying all this when you were really suffering and simply wanted it to end. You hated yourself for it and I know if you could read all this, you'd be crying and feeling so guilty. I can't apologise for feeling this way though. I'm still human after all. Maybe deep down, this is why I've not visited your grave since the funeral. Not because it was too painful to go but because I can't bring myself to face you. Some part of me has been resenting you for a long time but I never realised it till Alex brought it up. As a daughter I'll always love you but as a person, I'm feeling hurt. I want to say I forgive you but I don't think that'll be true anymore.

Till next time,

Sam x