All I hide

Chapter 9

It's an early morning, the sun still waking up and the sky a purplish blue when I head downstairs to get a glass of water. I sit at the table and drink it slowly, wondering if I'll run into John in college. There's a few days left till Christmas break and I only have classes today and tomorrow. After that, I'll have time to figure everything out. How I'm feeling, what I want to do, what I need to acknowledge and address, I'll go through all of it. I have to clear away the fog so I can find the light again. I can't keep wandering aimlessly and taking small steps the right way only to backtrack. Enough. I've had enough. I'm sick of saying I've had enough without actually doing anything.

"Sam, you okay?" Alex pulls out the chair next to me and sits down, facing me.

"I'm fine, just tired."

"Of course," he nods. "You always are."

"What's that supposed to mean?" There's something resigned and disappointed in his tone and hurt flickering in his eyes.

"Nothing." He looks away and smiles but it's not a happy one. "I'm going back to bed."

"But you've got school soon. Isn't that why you got up now?" I reach for him as he gets up but he shrugs me off and makes to leave, stopping by the door and turning back to look at me.

"You know the other day, I really thought the conversation we had meant something but I guess it was just me. I don't know why I got my hopes up."

"Alex-"

"Am I really your favourite person or is that just another lie you've been telling me to keep me happy?" He leaves before I can say anything further.

There's that strange feeling in my heart again and a pinching in my gut. What was Alex insinuating? I...okay yes, I lied about being fine again. The answer came out of me without any thought like a habit. But that conversation the other day meant so much to me. It's because of that I've been wanting to get better. It's what gave me the motivation to talk to Aunt Kathleen and John. How can he say that I don't care? All this time, everything I've done was for his sake. I know he's saying these things because he's upset but still. I'd just reached the conclusion that I won't let anything deter me anymore but now it doesn't feel worth it. There's no point if he feels disappointment and resentment towards me. There's no point if he no longer trusts me.

****

"You're not okay," John points out bluntly. He found me after our classes and now here we are in the cafeteria, sitting at a table in the back corner.

"Alex is mad at me." I hide my face in my hands.

"Why?"

"Because I keep telling him I'm fine when he knows I'm not. The thing is I didn't mean to lie. I just said it out of habit. But now he's mad and hurt and I don't know what to do."

"Hey." He pries my hands away but I don't look at him. "It's been tough for both of you, huh? Try to see it from his perspective. Maybe he feels you don't trust him enough to open up about your feelings. He wants to help you but there's a barrier between you."

"One that I put up between us." I sigh, feeling frustrated with myself. Isn't this what I've been struggling with all this time? Knowing I have to stop shutting everyone out but not sure how to actually do that. Everyone's been so patient and understanding that I guess I took it for granted. It's expected that eventually their patience will run out. I just never thought Alex would snap first.

"It's okay. He's a kid after all."

"I really do want to get better, you know? But it feels like every time I take a step forwards something sets me back again."

"You can't let that stop you." He takes my hand, rubbing his thumb in small circles to comfort me. Smiling, he adds, "Had I given up on you, we wouldn't be here right now."

"John..." My eyes meet his and I'm taken aback by how they're sparkling. I don't understand how he does it. What happened two years ago affected him too but here he is, more full of life than he ever has been, falling in love with every new thing he experiences. That quiet curiosity and fascination he had as a child bloomed slowly into a love for life. This amazing person before me, my best friend and brother, I couldn't be more grateful to be with him right now, even if everything's not so great.

"Don't give up. It's going to be hard and you're going to have days when you want to do nothing but you have to keep going. As long as you have a destination in mind, the journey doesn't matter. Get there in whatever way you can."

"Come with me."

"Always."