All I hide

Chapter 11

I know something is seriously wrong with me when I find myself staring at the medicine cabinet, contemplating if I'll find anything that will help me forget for just a moment. I must be extremely desperate if I'm somehow overriding my fear of drugs just so I can relax. It's been several days since I fought with Alex and I can't get what he said to me out of my mind. Am I really your favourite person or is that just another lie you've been telling me to keep me happy? Is it really too much to just trust me and be honest? Why do you have to be so soft and make me hopeful only to let me down? You're so selfish. And why are you keeping it? So that you can say to yourself that at least you're doing this one thing since you're failing everywhere else.

It shouldn't be hurting. I have no right to feel hurt when this is all my fault and everything he said was right. He doesn't even look at me these days and when he does it's full of hate. I should've been more vigilant and aware. Had I been paying attention I would've noticed he was slipping away from me. I would've noticed that he was starting to give up on me. Again I'm selfishly thinking of myself. He's not slipping away and giving up. I'm the one who cast him out and he got tired of waiting by the door to be let back in.

With a shaky hand I open the cabinet door and scan the medicines. Creams, gels, syrups and pills. Pain relief, antiseptics and cold and flu medicine but nothing to help me relax. I grab the cold and flu medicine and read the packet. Day and Night Nurse. The night pills have a sedative effect right? Will it help me sleep? I'm gripping the packet so tightly it's digging into my palms. Memories of Mum's cold body enter my vision and I sink to the floor as I begin trembling. Did she struggle like this too? How did she reach the decision to end it all? If she knew Alex and I would end up like this, would she have done it? If she can see us right now, what is she thinking? Is she disappointed? The packet falls from my hands as I try to pop a pill out, the sound of its impact from hitting the floor quiet but ringing through my ears like a wakeup call.

I stare at it, chills running through me as I freeze. What was I about to do?

"Sam." Catherine's voice. I sense her approach me but don't turn to her. "Sam, what's wrong? Why are you just sitting here?"

"I..." I can't stop staring at the packet.

"You what?" She follows my gaze and I hear her sharp intake of breath. She picks it up and puts it back in the cabinet then helps me up. "Let's get you back to bed."

Back in our room, she tucks me in before going to her bed. Neither of us say anything further. I know she's concerned but is giving me time to figure it out first before asking anything. She'll probably ask me in the morning. Somehow I manage to eventually fall asleep but in those hours of staring at the ceiling, I've never felt so hauntingly alone.

****

I couldn't bear staying in the house so left first thing after breakfast after promising Catherine I'll talk with her after I come back. I don't have a destination in mind, just walking aimlessly. Anywhere is better than being near Alex right now. I'm still not sure how it went so wrong, where the starting point is. We were okay. It wasn't perfect but we were okay. How long has he been secretly resenting me? Is my birthday really his favourite day of the year? Was it all an act? He was pretending to still adore me like he used to the way I've been pretending I'm completely fine. I don't want to believe that. Alex would never do that. He doesn't hide anything. I won't let this one fight make me lose trust in him. If we ever fight, you're not allowed to leave me. Even if I make you really sad, you can't leave me alone. But you don't want me around, Alex, so what am I supposed to do now? I wish it wasn't so complicated. I tried to explain myself and make things right but I guess I didn't do a good job. I never do a good job.

There's a howling in the sky as the wind becomesstronger, almost knocking me off my feet. Pulling my coat tighter aroundmyself, I lower my head to shield my face and keep walking. I end up in anunfamiliar neighbourhood and stop to rest on a bench. It's so quiet here. Wheredid all the people go? Probably indoors. Who'd come out when the weather's so cold unless they need to? My hands have become stiff and frozen and I shiver despite all the layers I'm wearing. Still this coldness is so much more bearable than the iciness between me and Alex.

Someone hurting you doesn't instantly make you stop loving them.

Sometimes we end up hurting the people we love even if we didn't mean to.

I told Alex those things but now they seem so untrue. I have a feeling he wanted to hurt me, maybe because I kept hurting him or maybe just to lash out at me for once. It wasn't like other times when he said or did something accidently and apologised as soon as he realised. He can see how much this is hurting me and is still doing it anyway. That's what I did too though, isn't it? I knew it hurt him and everyone else for me to pretend I was okay but I did it anyway.

You're okay. We're okay and we'll get through this together. You don't need to fight alone anymore.

Don't give up. It's going to be hard and you're going to have days when you want to do nothing but you have to keep going. As long as you have a destination in mind, the journey doesn't matter. Get there in whatever way you can.

I thought I knew where I was headed but now I'm not so sure. Feeling better? What does that even mean? To stop feeling hurt and angry and guilty? To stop feeling so tired and exhausted? How do I do that? Fighting alone. What am I fighting? What am I trying to prove? What's it all for?

You don't need to let the past keep hurting you anymore.

The present is hurting me too. Is that why I was looking for pills last night? Is that why I almost...what was I planning to do? To just take one pill, I think. One would've been enough to help me sleep, right? Would I have even been able to swallow it down? If it didn't help, would I have looked for something else? Another shiver runs through me that has nothing to do with the cold.

Mum, please help me. I don't want to end up like you did.