All I hide

Chapter 31

"And that's why I will never eat gummy bears again," Jacob finishes explaining. "I've sworn off them for life."

"So you don't want this?" I toss the packet Elliott had given me earlier in college up in the air then catch it again, watching the way his eyes follow it.

"No." He shakes his head, refusing to look my way.

"Oh that's a shame. I'll give them to Alex then."

"Yeah good idea. He'll love them."

I get up to leave the room, walking slowly to give him time to change his mind. Gummies are his weakness; no way he'll refuse them. Three...two...one...

"Actually Sam, maybe I'll have just one," he says.

"But you've sworn off them for life." I leave the room in search of Alex and find him in the garden, sitting under the shade of the apple tree, absentmindedly playing with the grass.

Tossing the packet onto his lap, I settle down beside him. "Hey."

"Hi," he glances at me, his lips twitching in an attempt to smile but not quite managing, before turning his attention to the gummies. "Give these to Jacob. I don't want them."

"Huh but he's sworn off them and agreed to let you have them."

"Sam where are my gummies?" Jacob yells, running into the garden.

"He's swears off something every other month but never sticks to it." Alex shrugs. "Jacob, here." He throws the packet to him, Jacob catching it and saluting him before disappearing back inside the house.

"I wonder when he'll actually stick to it."

"When he swears off something he has no attachment to." He doesn't seem as amused as he usually is by Jacob's antics, instead tired and drained.

"You okay?" I ruffle his hair.

"I've had a lot on my mind." He shrugs again, trying to brush it off.

"Do you want to share?"

"I don't know how to explain it. Everything's been a rollercoaster and sometimes I forget I'm only twelve. My classmates and teachers are always saying I'm so mature. I know they mean it in a good way but it makes me wonder if I'm too serious and uptight. Do I need to loosen up?"

Hmm. Though his maturity has awed me many times, I've always loved his cuteness and innocence a little more. Considering the circumstances, of course he's grown up a little faster than others and it makes me feel really bad sometimes. A kid shouldn't have to act like an adult. They should just be allowed to be kids. Yet other times I'm really grateful that he has the maturity to understand and remind me to not overdo it myself. "Do what makes you comfortable. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know." He looks at me, his expression amused in a resigned almost bitter way. "I just want to get through each day as it comes. I want to feel happy when I'm happy and sad when I'm sad. That's what you're doing too right? It's all we can do...or we'll lose it completely."

"Alex..." How long has be thinking this way?

"You always say you're a mess but honestly, I'm a mess too. Even though I joke around a lot, now that I'm finally understanding what happened back then, it really dampens my mood sometimes. I get why everyone wanted to shelter me. What kid should have to deal with any of this? The more I find out, the more I hate it. I got so angry with you that time but I think deep down I was mad at myself for being so useless. I couldn't help Mum like you did and then I couldn't help you when you were doing so much by yourself. If I could, maybe you wouldn't have suffered so much in silence or felt the need to be okay for my sake even though you really weren't."

"Stop," I say gently but firmly. "Don't blame yourself for things out of your control. I never expected anything from you. Ever."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing. Just be yourself and I'll try to do the same."

****

I'm met with John's silence over the phone, only the sound of my harsh breathing reaching my ears as I try my hardest to contain myself. I'm not even certain I heard him correctly. Surely Dad didn't actually reach out to him after all this time. It doesn't make any sense. He can't have...because I'm still waiting for him to reach out to me. How can he contact one child but not the others? Then again, John did always tell me he was close to his dad while I used to tell him that I was civil with mine. Civil, yes, but not necessarily close. Hah. If only we knew back then. Before my selfish thoughts can take over, I sit on my bed and rub my hand down my face, letting out a sigh. "So what did Dad want then?" I keep my voice as calm as possible.

"He wants to meet me." I can sense his anxiousness and immediately feel guilty for thinking so selfishly. This isn't about me at all. It's about John and as his best friend I should reassure him. "Sam, what do I do? I don't know if I want to..." he stops abruptly, his breath coming out raggedly.

"John?" I receive no response. "John, you still there?"

"Sam," his voice comes out as a broken whisper and tears brim in my eyes as I realise he's crying. "Why is he doing this to me? First he was cheating on Mum and then he just left, cutting off all contact and ignoring all my attempts to reach out to him. He can't just do that then ask to meet me like nothing ever happened... he can't. He just can't."

"Where are you right now?"

"I don't know. I was out with Elliott but ran off when I saw Dad's text."

"Is he with you?" Please don't be alone right now. Not when you might do something unpredictable.

"No. I ditched while he was in the bathroom."

Great. That's great. "Where were you both before?"

"The new restaurant but I don't know where I went after. I'm in a garden. There's large trees and hedges and fountains. When did this place exist? I've never come here before."

This keeps getting better and better. Forcing what little remains of my composure to stay together, I start getting ready to go out. My pyjamas come off and are dumped messily on the bed as I quickly put on the dress I wore a few days ago. It's still clean and doesn't need ironing so will have to do. "Okay John, listen to me carefully. Stay where you are and send me your location. I'm coming to get you." I grab my bag and run down the stairs, stumbling into my shoes and heading out of the house.

"Sam, I really don't think..."

"John it's okay," I try to reassure him. "I'll be there soon. Can you hang on until then?"

"Yeah," he answers after a brief pause.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." His answer is more certain this time and I can hear the faintest smile in his tone.

"Okay. I'm going to hang up now so I can talk to Elliott but I'll call you back straight after."

"Okay. I'm sending you both my location. See you soon."

"See you."