All I hide

Chapter 36

After dinner, which passed pleasantly with no one trying to embarrass me or asking Elliott awkward questions, we retreat to the living room with Alex, Jacob and Catherine.

"I totally won that Scrabble game," Catherine says frustratedly, referring to how Uncle Michael boasted about winning against her. "Dad cheated. He kept using words that aren't allowed and ignored me when I called him out and then called me a sore loser. Me?" She gestures to herself and scoffs, "the audacity of some people. I refuse to admit defeat to a cheater."

"Cathy come on," Jacob tries to pacify her. "Let it go."

"No way." She tucks her legs underneath herself and crosses her arms, glaring at an innocent spot on the wall. "Remind me not to play with Dad again."

Alex stands up from his spot on the sofa and approaches her. Squishing her cheeks, he grins at her goofily. "Raging isn't a good look on you. Try smiling instead."

She directs her glare to him, removing his hands from her face, but Alex keeps making silly faces at her until she eventually gives in, a small smile softening her expression. Satisfied, he gives her a quick kiss on the cheek before returning to his seat.

Elliott leans towards me and whispers in my ear, "You're not this scary when you get mad, right?"

Biting back my smile, I shake my head. "I cry when I'm mad."

"I don't know if that's worse. Seeing someone cry is my weakness. It makes me want to cry too."

"You'll be fine," I reassure him, trying not to laugh at the mock fear in his expression. "I don't get mad easily. Annoyed maybe but not mad."

"Hey lovebirds," Jacobs diverts our attention towards him. "If you want some privacy you could always go upstairs."

"That won't be necessary." I try to put some space between me and Elliott but he doesn't let me, grabbing my arm and gently pulling me back to him. "Ellie!"

"What?" he asks innocently.

"You know what." I narrow my eyes at him, knowing the others are watching and thoroughly enjoying the free entertainment.

Elliott knows too because he smirks, his eyes twinkling flirtatiously. "Sam, my love if something's bothering you, please tell me openly. Everyone knows the key to a healthy relationship is honest communication."

"What relationship? I have the misfortune of knowing you thanks to John." I can't get flustered in front of the others; they'll tease me forever and after that too.

"Wow so you're going to be this way just because we aren't alone?" he puts a hand to his chest, feigning hurt. "I didn't think you'd be so fickle."

"And I never asked you to fall for me. That's your problem, not mine." I say it as coldly as I can but subtly reach for his hand in a way the others won't notice, reminding him that I'm just kidding and don't mean a cold thing I say.

"Ouch," Jacob mutters quietly.

Elliott doesn't reply for a moment, his eyes flickering across my face. He nods, lowering his head as he looks away. "I guess you're right. I brought this on myself."

If I didn't know better, seeing him like this would break my heart. Instead, I burst out laughing and soon he does too.

"Someone should cast you in a drama," Catherine comments after we both calm down. "Seriously, Ellie, you'll be the perfect male lead. Or any main role actually."

"Yes!" Alex agrees excitedly, pumping his fists in the air. "I would binge watch it on repeat."

"Sam you wouldn't feel jealous of the female lead, right?" Jacob enquires teasingly.

"No, no. What's there to be jealous of?"

"Maybe someday." He pulls his phone out of his pocket and checks as notifications appear on the screen. "I should get going soon or my mum will worry."

"Do you have to?" Alex sulks.

"Unfortunately yes but I'll visit soon, okay?" He reaches across me to ruffle Alex's hair.

"Okay. Can you come tomorrow?"

"I'll see."

We both get up so he can bid goodbye to my aunt and uncle then head to the front door. He puts on his shoes and steps out, turning back to me as I wait by the door.

"Well I guess I'll see you in college," he says casually but it seems like he wants something more.

"Mm." A quick glance behind me to check no one's spying then I also step out of the house. A little hesitantly, I put my arms around him and immediately he does the same, hugging me as tightly as he can without hurting me. "Thank you for today and I'm sorry too...for breaking down like that. I mean I wanted to make sure John was okay but ended up..." I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say but I feel like I need to apologise. This was about John but somehow I made it about me too and I shouldn't have done because that's selfish. I shouldn't have stressed out and cried so much and worried Elliott when he was already concerned about John. Maybe I shouldn't have let him walk me home and insisted that he stay with John instead. I would've been okay alone but I can't say the same for John. How is he holding up right now?

"Hey, it's fine. It's completely fine." Elliott pulls back so he can look at me, his eyes meeting mine. "Whatever self-depreciating thoughts are running in your mind right now need to stop. Yes, this is about John but it's not just John's father who's back. Your father is back too so of course you'll feel stressed and upset. It must suck more because he's not contacted you. And sure, maybe you don't want to think that way since it's selfish but honestly, it's fine. You're human. You're allowed to feel things."

"I'm not very good at this, am I?" I drop my gaze so he can't see the conflict in my eyes, the battle between self-loathing and resentment versus self-love and telling myself it's okay. "I wasn't a good daughter nor was I good friend and sister. Remember the day I told you everything? I've still not been able to let it go. Thinking about Mum still makes me angry but I feel so bad and sorry too. Now Dad...I just don't know anymore." I step back so his hands fall back to his side. "See I'm doing it again. Rambling about myself like my words actually mean anything."

"Sam can I tell you something?" His voice comes out softly and I realise he uses this tone with me a lot...especially when I'm down. Has he seen me upset more times than he's seen me happy? I really hope not. He cups my face, brushing his thumb along my cheekbone.

"Hmm?"

"If I really didn't care, I wouldn't have gotten involved with you. I wouldn't even have befriended John. Elijah and Reina too. If they didn't care, they wouldn't have bothered with either of you. What did I tell you earlier? I'm here to stay." He closes the gap between us, his other hand finding my waist and pulling me closer to him. "I know you're worried about John and feel guilty for talking about yourself when he's going through something...but he's not here right now. We took him home after making sure he's okay and I know we'll both be checking up on him later. So since it's just me and you, we can talk about you and we can talk about me...and we can talk about us."

I know he's right. Everything he's done so far, he chose to do. He wants to be here with me and he wants to listen so there's no reason for me to feel this way. I shouldn't keep backtracking like this – having so many good days and being better towards myself but then letting the bad days undo all of it – but I really can't help it. It sucks so much and I really want it to stop but if wanting it bad enough made it happen, I would've been better a long time ago. "All this time," I whisper, "I've been sorry and thankful towards everyone. I didn't want to be this way towards you as well. I wanted to show you only the best sides of me..." A broken laugh escapes me. "Still maybe it's better this way."

"Sam..." He leans towards me. "I've liked you for a really long time, since before John and you reconciled and he introduced you to all of us. If I was able to fall for you then, what makes you think I wouldn't like you now?"

Again, I know he's right and yet I can't wholly accept it. "Maybe one day I'll believe you."

He gives me that soft smile he reserves for me. "Then until you do, I'll keep showing you." Before I can respond, he presses a kiss to the side of my face.

In the time it takes me to get over my shock, he's gone, the lingering sensation and my racing heart the only sign that he's even been here at all.