All I hide

Chapter 40

It takes us fifteen minutes to reach home and as she promised, she helps me sneak to our room without Aunt Kathleen seeing us. It's not that I want to hide from her but rather that she'll ask me questions I won't know how to answer. I sit on my bed, taking my notebook out of my bag and opening it to the page I was writing in. Wordlessly, I pass it to Catherine, who hesitantly takes it. The heartbreak is clear on her face as she reads what I've written and her only response is to hug me.

"Oh Sam," she murmurs. "You never said anything. That piece of sh–"

"Cath he's still my father," I chuckle, pulling away from her.

"Right. Apologies." She clears her throat before continuing. "About Elliott though, Sam, that boy adores you so much. He's so in love with you and for you to feel terrible about it instead of happy...that's so sad. Like so sad. I'm truly heartbroken right now."

"Great vocabulary."

"No really," she says more seriously this time. "Sam why have you put yourself down to the point where you feel like you have to apologise for being you? Why do you only see the bad in yourself but none of the good?"

"Cath..."

"Come on. What would Alex say if he knew you were thinking this way? What would John say? I know it's hard but you need to stop. This isn't doing you any good. You can't let the bad days beat you. What happened to a happier you?"

"It's too hard." I slump against her. "I really have been trying but I can't do it."

"But you have been doing it and you've been doing it well. Everyone can see it except you. Bad days are inevitable but it's for the good days we have to keep trying. If you give up, every day will become a bad day. You can't do that to yourself." Catherine rubs my shoulder and kisses the top of my head. "You're my baby sister Sam. I love you and seeing you this way breaks my heart. Stop doing this to yourself...stop doing this to me. Please. I want you to be happy."

Of course this is hurting her. Since we share a room, we spend a lot of time together so she must've noticed me struggling more than everyone else. "I'm so sorry."

"First step is to stop apologising for everything."

"I'm s–" I cut myself off with a snicker. "You're right. You're so right. Okay. I won't give up."

"That's great!" She pushes me off her, ignoring my complaints, and shifts so she's sitting cross legged and facing me. "Now the depressing stuff is out of the way, tell me all the gossip about Elliott. Are you two dating yet? How is John okay with this? He scared all the boys away before."

"John trusts him a lot. He came up with the nickname Ellie."

"Ah." Realisation dawns on her. "He must be really special then."

"Really special. What do I do? I've never liked someone this way before and never this much either."

"I guess you do whatever feels right and comfortable. I said it earlier. He loves you a lot and he's so good to you. You don't let someone like that go. You hold onto them. Cherish them. Let them know how much they mean to you."

"I've been such an idiot, haven't I?" I really have to stop with all this self-loathing and depreciation. If not yet for myself, for everyone else. "He started crying when I said I felt like I don't deserve him and looks at me so sadly every time I put myself down. Not just Ellie though. All of you too. But applying something you know is harder than just knowing it."

"It's never easy but that's why those who don't give up are the strongest."

"Mmm. You asked if Ellie and I were dating. I don't know." I start fidgeting with my hands as I try to think it through. "We're definitely more than friends though. I can't deny that anymore."

"Mum will be happy." Catherine grins excitedly.

"Oh no. She's already planned the wedding. What else?" Though I complain, it doesn't actually bother me. I'm happy Aunt Kathleen has something to be excited about after all these years of worrying about me. I just need to learn how to be happy for myself too.

"Alex and Jacob want to walk you down the aisle but wouldn't they be handsome flower boys?"

I smile at the image. "Will you be my maid of honour?"

"Do you even need to ask?" she pretends to be offended. "Who else will take that role if not me?"

"Right. My bad." I raise my hands in surrender. "How's your exam prep going? There's only a few weeks to go now right?"

"Yup. Mmm let's just say it's going." She stops to take in my appalled expression and bursts into laughter. "I'm kidding. Don't look at me like I just told you I stole the crown jewels. No, it's going well. I'm feeling confident so let's hope for the best."

"I'm sure you'll smash it. You've always been top student."

"Ah but the thing about top students is that everyone always expects too much from them. That level of pressure can drive anyone insane." She brushes her hair back from her face and sighs. "Thankfully Mum and Dad aren't like that and just want me to do the best I can. Your mock exams aren't far away either. How are you feeling?"

Right. Mock exams. Because I'm actually a student too. "There's always so much on my mind that I don't consciously think about studying. It's just something I do but not something I stress about. I mean, I'm not neglecting my studies but they're not life and death for me either."

"That's understandable. You got through your GCSEs just fine last year so I'm sure these exams won't be impossible either. You're a pretty diligent student when you focus."

"I don't know how I did that. I guess studying became a good distraction since it keeps me busy. How did you get through yours though? Everything happened that autumn and your GCSEs were the following summer."

Catherine shrugs, giving me a nonchalant smile. "I just did it. Put my head down and did what I had to do. Just like you."

"At least you remembered to take care of yourself."

"And you're learning to do that now. To each their own pace."

Feeling sentimental, I try to hug her but she teasingly refuses. Not letting that deter me, I decide to say it anyway. "I love you."

The idiotic grin she gives me makes me wonder if Alex learnt it from her. "I love me too."