All I hide

Chapter 16

"Sam!" Someone yells behind me as I'm on my way to class and then there's a hand on my shoulder. "Sam, fancy seeing you here."

"Hey, Elliott." I give him a small smile. This is the first time he's approached me by himself.

"How are you on this fine day?"

"Not too great," I answer honestly, tired of lying all the time. I couldn't sleep well last night because I was worried about Alex. He seemed troubled but when I tried to ask him about it, he shrugged me off and glared at me. Did I do something wrong again?

His expression falls and he stops us in our tracks, standing directly in front of me. "Is everything okay?" he asks and I'm taken aback by the sincerity of his tone. His hazel eyes are filled with genuine concern as they scan my face for something. I'm not sure what he's looking for, maybe a sign that I'll let him in.

"I fought with my brother but it's complicated." I hope he doesn't take that as a mere excuse.

"Complicated?"

I don't know what John's told them but I doubt he's spilled everything about our messy family history. How do I even begin to explain it? I don't want to lay everything bare but even uncovering its surface is confusing. "I'm sorry. It's not something I want to get into right now. I need to go or I'll be late."

If he's disappointed he doesn't show it, smiling at me softly instead. "It's fine. Whatever it is, I hope it improves. Which way are you headed?"

I point to the corridor next to us.

"I'm in the one further up. I'll see you around." With a salute, he's off and I'm left wondering how to solve the mystery that is Elliott or if I even want to solve it at all.

****

After college, John and I head to the park and find a bench to rest on. His beanie is red today and so are his cheeks from the chilly late January weather. Though the trees are still bare and the lake is barely moving, it's still beautiful. My thoughts are filled with Alex and I can't find anything I've done that would anger him again. What's going on? Did something happen to him at school?

"Sam...can we talk?" John asks several moments later, cutting though my thoughts and breaking the comfortable silence.

His tone is serious and I feel the storm beginning to swirl inside me as I realise what he wants to discuss. Of course this was coming and I couldn't avoid it forever. Does it have to be now though? I don't know if I'm in the right state of mind to have this conversation.

"Sam," he says so softly and for a moment I'm transported back to when it all happened, that sinking feeling overwhelming me. Then he reaches for my hand and brings me back to the present, here to this moment in the park. "I know I said I'm not mad at you and I'm not, really, but maybe at first I was...just slightly. I mean I just found out my father, who I'd always look up to, was cheating on my mother. To add to that it was with my best friend's mother and as if that wasn't enough, my best friend is actually my sister. It was a lot to process and I really just needed someone, you know? I needed you but you weren't there."

"I've been so selfish and for that I'm sorry." My eyes become blurry but I blink the tears back. "I was trying to block everything out and dissociate from it. I wouldn't have been able to cope otherwise...and being around you would've been too painful." I hear his sharp intake of breath and stand up from the bench, taking a few steps towards the lake. "But now that I look back, I realise it was a mistake. I shouldn't have suppressed my feelings and I definitely shouldn't have shut you out. You needed me and I should've been there. This unhealthy coping mechanism of mine is just hurting everyone and in turn hurting me too."