All I hide

Chapter 1

"Sam, wake up! Wake up!" Alex's loud voice penetrates my ears as he shakes my arm and tries to rip my blanket off me. I shrug him off and roll onto my stomach, trying to cling onto the last threads of sleep before they're yanked away.

"Let me sleep Alex," I mumble into my pillow.

"Nuh uh, you gotta get up right now." I can feel light hit my cheeks and it's coming from the window.

"Did you open the curtains?"

"Nuh uh, they were opened by a suicidal vampire."

"Why are twelve-year-olds so annoying?"

"Why do seventeen-year-olds take so long coming out of bed?" He attempts to pull me out of my bed and when that doesn't work, plops himself on top of me instead. Leaning towards my ear he whispers, "It's your birthday today. Did you forget? It's my favourite day of the year because it's when you came to this world."

I take a moment to process his words, a smile making its way onto my lips as I do. "I'm older than you though. It's you who came into my life, not the other way around."

"So? If you were never born, I wouldn't have a big sister so it's still my favourite day."

I wish I could share his sentiment but I'm not particularly fond of my birthday, not because I'm no one special and all that jazz but because it's one day after my mother's death anniversary. In fact, I found her body and suicide letter on my birthday two years ago. What a lovely gift that was. Everything that followed happened in a blur. Alex and I moved into our aunt's house, which was great since we were now living with our favourite cousins too, but also not so great because it meant our father no longer wanted us. And one more thing...I lost a close friend. Well I guess it was me who pushed him away so I can't blame him but I'd be lying if I said it no longer hurts.

Casting my thoughts away, I summon the lightest tone I can. "Do you know what my favourite day is?"

Alex scrunches his face cutely as he thinks about it, his green eyes full of serious concentration. I see the moment the lightbulb goes off in his head and he asks shyly, "Is it my birthday?"

"Hmm..."

"Is it?" His tone is more demanding this time.

"I don't know, is it?" I tease.

"Sam!" he pouts, hitting my shoulder lightly. "Sam, tell me!"

A chuckle escapes me and this frustrates him more. "Yes," I say quickly before he becomes too upset. "You're right. My favourite day is your birthday. Do you know why?"

"That's easy!" He gets off me and heads for the door. Turning back to me, he makes a V with his fingers and grins stupidly. "I'm your favourite person."

****

As I head downstairs, I hear the sizzling and crackling of something frying. Aunt Kathleen is making French toast while Catherine makes tea. They both smile at me as I enter the kitchen.

"How are you darling? Did you sleep well?" Aunt Kathleen asks as she plates up the toast.

"Yep, I'm fine." Though this time of year is difficult for all of us, I don't want to let on how much it still gets to me. Two years isn't very long so I know they'd understand but I should be getting over it by now, no? Plus I have to stay strong for Alex. He's so bubbly and happy and excited...I'd hate for my emotional turmoil to ruin that. "Where are Alex and Jacob?"

"Off gallivanting in the living room," Catherine answers with a sigh.

I smile knowingly. It just so happens that while our brothers are relatively normal on their own, together they get up to all sorts of mischief. Before I can form a response, Jacob runs into the kitchen, his dark dishevelled hair sticking out in every direction.

"Alex is stuck behind the sofa," he announces then runs back to the living room without checking to see if anyone's following.

Since there's no use for me in the kitchen, I decide to check what mess my brother got himself into. There he is, attempting to push himself up so he can climb over the back of the sofa while Jacob is just watching with a grin on his face.

"Sam, help me," he pleads when he notices me. "It's too squashed here. There's no room to bend my legs so I can't climb over."

Holding back my laugh, I tuck my auburn hair behind my ears and try to pull the sofa forwards. It moves a smidge but that seems to be enough for Alex to push himself up and tumble onto the seat. He's sitting in front of me, him on the sofa and me on the floor. Unlike my expectations, he doesn't run off with Jacob and instead simply looks at me, observing carefully.

I'm not sure what to do, suddenly feeling on edge. I can't bring myself to meet his eyes so focus on the carpet as I cross my legs and pick at my nails. Sure, Alex and I have silent conversations all the time but this feels different. It's as if he's uncovering all my secrets one by one. Does he know I'm pretending to be okay when really, I'm struggling to keep it all together? Does he know I smile and laugh with him in the day and secretly cry by myself when it gets too hard? Does he know it's my fault that Mum is –

"Sam." His voice is so quiet I almost don't hear it.

I look up, my green eyes meeting his. "Yeah?"

"We made it." He's smiling but it doesn't reach his eyes, as if he shouldn't be happy about this. "Another year without Mum...or Dad. We made it."

"We did." I reach for his hands and smile at him softly. "She's looking down on us proudly right now. So let's keep going one day at a time, okay?" I stand up, turning to go back to the kitchen, but his grip on my hand tightens.

"Sam." He swallows and I notice a shimmer in his eyes. "You won't leave me like they did, will you?"

I never knew words could shatter someone's heartso brutally until he asked that question. I place my free hand on my chest,clutching my shirt as if that will somehow ease the pain in my heart. "Alex..." I turn back to him and help him stand. He looks at me desperately, full of hope but also trepidation. "Of course I won't leave you. How can I when you're my favourite person?"

He nods slowly, his shoulders relaxing. "Then I have to make sure I always am your favourite."

I pull him in for a hug and kiss the top of his head. "Let's have breakfast now. We can't keep everyone waiting."

Oh Alex... It seems we're both struggling more than we let on.