All I hide

Chapter 37

"So you're sure you're cool with me not meeting him?" John asks me for the nth time. I'm in his room, sitting on his chair and doodling on a scrap of paper. Alex is playing in the garden with Anna and Jacob, who wanted to tag along and acquaint himself with Anna and Anja.

"I'm sure."

"Really? You're not just saying that to avoid making me snap again?"

Sighing, I put the pen down and turn to him. He's lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling. "Really. I had a lot of time to think about it last night and honestly, it's not my place to make you do anything. This is between you and Dad. How I feel about it shouldn't influence what you choose to do."

"I don't like how you make it sound as if you're not part of the family...as if he's not your father too." He turns to look at me but I can't hold his gaze for long. "I know you weren't as close to him as I was but surely part of you wants to hear from him."

"You're right. I've wanted to hear from him all this time but it's not going to happen." There's nothing kind about the smile that appears on my face and my voice turns cold as I remember my last interaction with him. "Not after everything I said. If he wanted to see me he would've reached out but he hasn't. He wants to see you but you don't want to see him and as I said yesterday, it's completely okay."

"Sam..."

"John please. Can we not do this?"

"Do what? I'm just trying to understand you." He reaches for me but stops, clenching his fist instead.

"Then try to understand why this has nothing to do with me." I turn away from him and back towards the desk so he can't see the hurt I've been hiding from him since he called me yesterday. At the end of the day, the fact remains that Dad contacted John and not me. I can be selfish and let my feelings get in the way or I can be there for John and support whatever decision he makes. "If I wasn't your sister, what would you do? Would you still not meet him?"

It takes him a while to answer. "Yeah. I really don't feel able to see him. I can't do it."

"Then that's okay. You don't need to meet him." I continue my doodling, not drawing any particular thing as I try to empty my mind. I don't want to think anything nor feel anything, even if only temporarily. Maybe to others, emptiness isn't a good thing but if I could have that for just a moment, it will give me the chance to fill it with lighter and happier things.

"Does Alex know?"

"About Dad? No. I didn't tell him."

"Why? So I can tell him instead?"

"If you want to do that." It wasn't my news to share and I didn't know how he'd react if I were to. If John's not meeting Dad anyway, there's no need to potentially stress Alex out. "Did you tell your mum or Anna?"

"I told Mum. She said to do what I feel comfortable with."

"There you go then. That's what I'm trying to tell you too."

"But..."

"But what?" Please, John, let it go. If you keep pushing I won't be able to control myself anymore.

"I feel like you're holding back for my sake. Why are you detaching yourself from this?"

"What do you want me to say? I've told you that yes, I want to see him but I also know he doesn't want to see me...and you know what? It's okay just like you not wanting to see him is okay. It really is fine so please drop it."

"How can any of it be fine if you won't even look at me?" he sounds hurt and it makes my gut twist painfully. Of course he can see through me; I don't know why I try.

"I'm telling you it's fine. Irrespective of how I feel, do what you want to. This is between you and Dad. It really does have nothing to do with me."

"Sam come on. It's me."

Something about the way he says it has me turning back to him. His eyes are glistening, the blue seeming darker, and he's sitting up now, his previous position leaving his hair a floofy mess. "Because it's you, this really is okay."

"Oh but it's not. Because it's us, all of this is so much harder."

I look at him then, really look at him, not liking what I'm about to say but not knowing how else to get him to leave the matter. "You made it perfectly clear yesterday that you won't see him and I have no say in it. What's changed?"

He shifts back from me, bringing his knees to his chest and clenching both fists. Dejection flows freely through his tears and it feels like we're back to square one. "Why do you keep doing that?" he asks so quietly I have to strain to hear him. "I also had time to think last night and I realised how crap this must be for you. Maybe you're right and this is just between me and Dad but I called you anyway, didn't I? And Ellie...I keep putting him through so much but he's always smiling and never seeming bothered by it. Both of you waited till I fell asleep to cry it out right?"

"John..."

"Don't deny it." He shakes his head, looking away from me as his tears continue to fall. "Okay fine. I don't want to see Dad and no one can convince me otherwise and you're cool with that. Then I'm cool with it too...but please don't talk like you're an outsider."

"An outsider? How am I..." Oh. This has nothing to do with me. If I wasn't your sister... I have no say in it. I was trying to keep myself out so John makes the choice that he feels is best for him, rather than be swayed by me.

"You say it's not awkward for you to be my sister yet when I came to you with a problem you reacted like I wasn't your brother at all."