All I hide

Chapter 7

"Auntie," I call as she comes in from the garden after putting out the washing.

"Yeah?" She places the empty laundry basket in the corner then joins me at the kitchen table, taking the seat opposite mine.

I pause for a moment, wondering how to approach the topic. "Can you tell me about Mum?"

Something flickers in her eyes and she reaches for my hand. "What do you want to know?"

"Anything. I just want to understand her better. There was a time she wasn't struggling mentally, right? What was she like then?" What caused her to struggle so much and why did no one help her before it was too late? Or was it that the help she was receiving wasn't enough? How did things go wrong between her and Dad? These questions I'm too afraid to ask so I ask easier ones instead.

"She was so happy and bubbly. I used to take Kaitlyn everywhere and she always got along with everyone she met." The memories seem to play out in front of her like a movie and I try to imagine what it was like back then when both sisters were young and carefree, listening intently as Aunt Kathleen tells me stories of their childhood and teenage years. They both used to get up to all sorts of mischief, not afraid to get their hands dirty and a lot bolder than a lot of their peers. "Mum and Dad must've had a hard time raising us," she finishes. "We couldn't be tamed at all."

"That sounds nothing like the mother I know."

"She changed quite a lot. I don't know how it started but over time she became quieter and more reserved until no one knew what she was thinking anymore." Her eyes become downcast and voice sadder. "I wish she told me. Maybe I could've helped her better had I known."

I manage a small smile. "You did everything you could and she appreciated it a lot. Thanks for telling me about her."

"You know, you remind me of her sometimes."

"I do?"

"Mmhm. That intrigue you had about everything when you were a child, though you've suppressed it now, it's still there isn't it? You also deeply care about everything. Kaitlyn was the same...maybe that's why she struggled a lot but didn't want to show it. She didn't want anyone to worry about her."

I'm momentarily lost for words at her accurate observation. Maybe I haven't been as discreet as I thought. Even Alex called me out the other day. Is everyone beginning to see through my act? I think of the moon again, the way it shines with the sun's help but keeps its dark side hidden, and realise that asking for help doesn't mean you have to lay yourself bare. You can be vulnerable without revealing absolutely everything about yourself. Sighing, I pull my hand away from hers. "You're right."

"Sam..." She tries to catch my gaze but it'll be easier for me to speak truthfully if I keep my focus on something abstract.

"It's been really hard with everything that happened. I blocked a lot of it out initially but it's been coming back to me slowly and I don't know how to process it."

"Oh darling." I don't like the way I can see her heart break at my words. She shouldn't have to feel pain because of me. If I wasn't such a mess, she wouldn't need to be so concerned for me. I wouldn't be such a burden for her but at the same time, not opening up would cause her the same worry and hurt because it would seem like I don't trust her. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know how," I say sincerely, hoping she doesn't take it as an excuse.

"That's okay. When you figure it out, or not, I'll be here."

****

Someone runs up to me and slings their arm around my shoulders as I walk through the corridors. Sighing, I try not to get annoyed and plaster a smile onto my face. "Hey John."