All I hide

Chapter 10

I've brought Alex to the park and we're heading to the tree we used to play by across the lake. Neither of us say a word to each other. I tried before but he's not in the mood so I sit down, leaning against the tree trunk and letting my fingers glide against the rough roots. Alex is standing a few feet away from me, his hands stuffed in his coat pockets and auburn hair peeking out from under his woolly hat. He's kicking pebbles out of the ground, scowling at a particularly stubborn one that refuses to budge, then reluctantly joins me.

"So what do you want?" he feigns indifference.

"We should talk," I say earnestly, knowing that acting like I don't care will help neither of us. "I keep hurting you and for that I'm really sorry. Will you hear me out?"

"If I have to."

That's the best I'll get, isn't it? Sighing, I nod in resignation then try to figure out what I want to say and how to say it. If I say the wrong thing or in a way he'll misunderstand, it will just get worse. "The promise I made you the other day, I really did mean it. I want to be happier and enjoy life again and I've been trying. I really have been trying. Maybe not hard enough for you to see it yet...but maybe that's okay for now because I'll keep trying harder until you do." I glance at him briefly and his expression is stone cold, not giving anything away. "You hate me right now, don't you? Of course you do. When everything happened back then, I wanted to be strong for both of us. I pretended I was okay so you didn't have to... It's become a habit now that I've not broken yet and it's hurting you because you want me to stop pretending."

"Who said I'm hurt?" he asks, his voice freezing me to my core. "I just can't stand you right now."

"But why? Was I really so wrong to put you first?" I try to keep my voice even but it quivers.

"You don't get it, do you?"

"Get what?"

"Were you pretending for my sake or yours? You say you want to protect me but honestly, sometimes it feels like you use it as an excuse so you don't have to talk about anything. Is it really too much to just trust me and be honest? I'm sick of it. If you were planning to carry on this way, why did you agree to that promise? Why do you have to be so soft and make me hopeful only to let me down? You're so selfish."

Each point he makes cuts through me, the shattered fragments of my unhealed heart lodging into me like broken glass. He's right. He's so right. All this time I've been excusing my selfishness as looking out for Alex when really I'm just a coward who's too scared to move on. I say I've had enough and that I'm tired of being stuck but actually, the familiarity of it is more comfortable than the thought of healing. Maybe I keep going back and forth because this pain is something I know. Trying to rid of it equates to losing an essential part of me and I don't know who I'll be without it. Who even was I before it? That girl from before seems like a stranger now.

"You told me I can't leave you," I state determinedly, like it's my only lifeline. In some ways it is. This stupid promise I made without realising what was waiting for me. "That even if we fight I can't leave. Mum made me promise too." Her dying wish born from the guilt of not being there for us as much as she wanted to. I want to keep it, not for my satisfaction but so she doesn't need to keep worrying about us from wherever she is.

"And why are you keeping it? So that you can say to yourself that at least you're doing this one thing since you're failing everywhere else."

If his earlier words cut me, these ones completely obliterated whatever was left. Bringing my knees to my chest, I rest my arms atop them as a laugh breaks out of me. It was just a month ago on my birthday where he was giddily telling me we were each other's favourite person. A short while after that he was apologising and asking me to find more reasons to live. How did it all come to this? What is actually going on? Alex adores me? That's a fat lie. He'll understand if I simply talk to him? Clearly that's gone well. Why do I even care so much when he no longer does? This was all a mistake.

I can feel his eyes on me but don't turn to him because I'm all out of things to say. Nothing I say now will better the situation and will most likely break our strained bond. I knew it was bad but I never fathomed how bad it really is. I had too much trust in something that's been weakening to the point it's almost beyond repair and I'm starting to think I left it too late. I was so lost in myself that I let it blindside me and didn't see how much Alex was beginning to resent me. He never indicated anything was wrong though. No wait. I should've picked up on it when he was sleeping on Jacob's lap; he never does that.

If I try getting better now, will it seem like I can cope and manage without him or that I really did never trust him? Will it paint all my promises of staying with him as a lie? An alternative thought comes to me – the logical one telling me that carrying on and not giving up will show Alex that I wasn't lying about wanting to get better – but I cast it away. He'll just see it as me being selfish anyway since that's all I seem to be now.