All I hide

Chapter 47

Swallowing back my trepidation, I wipe my clammy hands on my dress before entering the café. The bell chimes above me and the sounds of people chattering and old pop music fill my ears as I scan the tables, looking for my father. My eyes land on a figure in the corner. A man in his mid-forties, dark blonde hair brushed neatly, stubble shadowing his structured face, straight back and tall build, sitting with his hands folded in his lap, staring at his drink. Is he nervous too? He doesn't seem to be. As I make my way over, I remember the words of encouragement everyone gave me. You've got this. You're brave, you can do this. Remember to kick his butt and tell him where to shove it.

"Dad." I take the seat opposite him, trying to appear confident.

His blue eyes flicker to me and widen in surprise. What's crossing his mind right now? Is he regretting everything he lost? "Samantha, you...you look well."

"As do you."

He doesn't say anything further and the conversation dies. My gaze drops to the drink in front of me. Iced peach oolong tea. Dad must have ordered before I arrived and I'm not sure how to feel about him remembering my favourite summer time drink. Should I be touched or upset? I feel neither. In fact, I feel nothing at all. So much tension and nerves building up to this point only for me to realise I feel nothing towards this man before me. I waited for this for so long and it's gratifying me in a completely unexpected way. Rather than giving me closure to move on, it's showing me I moved on long ago. No more anger and hurt and bitter feelings. Somehow, in the mess of the past three weeks, or maybe it was over these past several months, I've unconsciously been letting them all go.

Before I can stop it, a chuckle escapes me. I feel so light and it's so ridiculously relieving that my laughter intensifies. Hiding my face in my hands, I try to compose myself and manage to somewhat calm down enough to look at Dad, who's looking at me confusedly.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"I've never been better." I shake my head and take a sip of my drink. "I came here thinking I'd still be angry and hurt but I'm not. I don't know what expectations you had for today but if you want to apologise or explain yourself, quite frankly I care not to hear it."

"Samantha..." I can't tell if he's hurt or surprised or something else. He averts his eyes for a moment and when he turns back to me, there's a genuine smile on his face and something warm in his expression. "Honestly, I didn't think you'd want to see me since John and Alex didn't but I'm thankful you did. There's no point in me explaining myself since what I did is unforgivable and inexcusable but let me say that I'm sorry. I really am and I loved all of you. I still do."

"Well that's good to know." I don't mention his vanishing for two and a half years because it won't achieve anything. We both know that but it seems neither of us are holding onto hard feelings.

"Maybe I should be upset that you clearly don't care about me anymore but I'm happy. I'm happy you've moved on and are living your life. My regrets are for me to live with and I shouldn't drag you into it. I'll always love you but I won't try to intrude in your life anymore."

I feel something then, something warm and lingering for the father he once was, the father before me now showing me that that father is still there. "I hope one day you can make peace with yourself." Tears form in his eyes and I give him a smile as I get up from my seat and go to him. Planting a kiss on his cheek, I let him hug me. "Goodbye, Dad."

Then I grab my drink and exit the café, leaving the past two and a half years of anguish behind me and feeling the most content I have in a long time. I wander around for a little bit and settle by the huge fountain in the square centre. Texting John my location, I let myself get lost in the moment: the rushing of the cool water behind me and shoppers passing by and the late May sun shining brightly and basking everything in a warm glow.

"Sam!" I look up as Alex comes running towards me, John slowly walking behind. "Sam, are you okay? How did it go? What did Dad want?"

"I'm fine. I think like me, he just wanted to see me one more time."

"So it was all good?" He grabs my face, gently forcing our eyes to meet so he can see that I'm being serious and not lying. "He didn't hurt you?"

"No. It's strange but we had a pleasant conversation and he was happy to see me doing well." A smile breaks out on my lips and I'm sure my eyes are sparkling. "I don't know but I feel great."

Alex simply stares at me then a smile breaks out on his lips too. "You're so weird. I never expected this but if you're good then I'm good too."

"Come here." I pull him onto my lap and hug him tightly.

"Are you sure you've not gone mad?" he asks teasingly but hugs me back anyway.

I choose to ignore that and turn my attention to John, who's watching both of us with that expression I've never been able to figure out, something a little intense but fond and sincere. Breaking away from Alex, I go to him tentatively – even though we made up, it's still a little awkward since he was adamantly against this. I stand blankly in front of him, figuring out what to say or do. He doesn't give me that chance though as his arms come around me and I'm pulled flush against his chest.

"John, I..."

"Shhh. It's okay. I know." He pulls back and kisses the top of my head. "We're okay."

I don't know why hearing that makes me emotional. For some reason it feels different like he's telling me that he's leaving everything behind too. No more hurting and no more fighting.

"Can we go now?" We both turn to Alex, who's sitting on the edge of the fountain and swinging his legs while drinking my iced tea. "I want to break this mushy moment before it turns into a crying fest." He gets up and starts walking without bothering to check if we're following.

"Alex wait." John catches him before he strays too far ahead but neither of them bother to wait for me. How lovely.

Smiling to myself, I follow them, the sun seeming to shine brighter as if welcoming this new chapter of our lives.