All I hide

Chapter 6

"Alex what are you doing?" I find him lying face down on the rug in the living room.

"School was so hard today," he grumbles. "I want the ground to swallow me."

"Really?" Sitting beside him, I pat his back and he turns his head to look at me.

"We started a new book in English but the language is hard to understand. In Geography we're doing tectonics and there's too many processes to remember. Don't even get me started on Maths. Urgh why do we need to study?"

"So that we can learn about the world and appreciate it," I answer with a soft smile.

"But we can do that by just going out and exploring it for ourselves."

"I guess so. Though in a way that's learning too isn't it? Just without the school environment."

"I think that's more fun. You don't need to stress about tests or exams or homework." He sighs and shuffles closer to me so he can put his head on my lap. "I don't think I'm doing as well as you did. Studying is easy for you but not for me. I can't concentrate for a long time."

A light chuckle escapes me and this causes him to frown.

"Why are you laughing? I'm really struggling you know."

"Nothing just..." I'm glad that you're worried about school rather than other things. I'm glad you talk to me about your troubles and trust me, even though I don't always trust myself. I'm glad that the past doesn't consume you though it may get to you sometimes. I'm glad that our dynamic hasn't changed, that you acknowledge me as your big sister and appreciate my efforts to look out for you even if I fall short now and then. "As long as you do your best, the outcome doesn't matter."

"Maybe I can ask Jacob to teach me. He's already learnt all this stuff."

"Yeah. You can ask me and Catherine too. It's been a while but we can still help."

He grins cheekily. "It's nice being the baby of the family. You guys never scold me and always want to help and fuss over me."

"And that's why you're so mischievous huh? Because you know you can get away with it?"

"Of course!"

****

It's a Friday evening the following week and I'm organising my old school books when Alex walks into the room and collapses on the bed.

"What are you doing?" He reaches for one of the books and flicks through it.

"Cleaning my stuff."

"Need help?"

"Is Jacob not playing with you?" I close a box I've finished packing with textbooks then turn to the pile of notebooks.

"I want to hang out with you." Though he says it casually, there's something underlying in his tone that I detect only because of how hyperaware I've become towards him in recent years.

Placing the book in my lap, I shift my gaze to him but he's staring at the ceiling. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing."

"You sure?"

"Well actually..." he hesitates, unsure if he should say it or not. "Are you okay?"

"Me?" Has he noticed? Those times I catch him quietly observing me, did he notice that I'm not as okay as I pretend to be?

"Yeah. You seem sad and tired." His eyes meet mine. "It's not just about Mum, is it? You miss him too."

"Who?"

"John."

I don't know why it hurts more to hear his name from Alex's mouth. Maybe because he wasn't just good to me but great to Alex too, always treating him like a brother before learning the truth. It's not just our bond that I broke but the bond Alex and he had too. "I..."

"Sam why aren't you two friends anymore? Did he do something wrong?"

No, he didn't. How can I explain it though? I look away, trying to stop the tears from building up.

"Listen, I know I was too young to understand everything that happened back then and maybe I'm not old enough now either but...I remember Mum and Anja both being upset with Dad and trying to help each other after he left. So that means none of us hurt each other, right? John didn't hurt anyone. He just got hurt too."

"You're right. I just...it's hard."

"Can you tell me what happened?"

I think for a moment then nod slowly but keep my gaze away from him as I briefly narrate the events of that time. "Dad was married to Mum and Anja so John and Anna are actually our siblings." I hear his sharp intake of breath as he processes my words. "Mum was already struggling a lot and this betrayal broke her...she didn't want to do it but saw it as the only way out. The night before my birthday she-"

"She what?" he asks quietly as if fearing the answer.

She asked me for her pills and I stupidly obeyed, not fully fathoming what she was really planning to do. "Well she did it and I found her body the following morning."

"...and I thought she was asleep and asked you to wake her up so we could celebrate your birthday." His voice is a broken whisper and I know if I look at him, I'll see tears streaming down his cheeks. "Sam I'm so sorry. You've put up with so much just so I could remain unaware and be happy."

"It's okay."

"How is it okay? After I asked you that, you smiled at me and told me to get ready while you wake her up...but in those ten minutes you called the ambulance. It was only when I heard the sirens you told me something was wrong because she's not waking up so the doctors will check." He pieces it all together and I just listen, confirming nor denying nothing. "You knew she was gone the whole time but to save me from learning it was suicide – because you didn't want me to feel the same pain I felt when Dad left us – you let the doctors tell us she took too much medicine and passed away. All this time, you've sheltered me from as much as you could. Why?"

"Alex..." I don't like the hurt or guilt in his voice.

"Why Sam? Why do you love me so much? I feel so terrible knowing you did all this because of me."

"What was I supposed to do then? What am I meant to do now?" I argue back though there's no heat or malice in my tone. "Dad walked out and hasn't tried to contact us once. Mum isn't here anymore. I promised her, just like I promised you, that I'll look out for you. Nothing else matters to me now. Only you." I find the courage to meet his gaze and like I guessed, he's crying.

"That can't be right though." He rolls onto his side so he's facing away from me and curls up. "There has to be more to live for. It can't just be for me. What would you do if I was gone too?"

I choose not to answer that and instead say, "But you're right here so why worry about that?"

"Can you make me a new promise?"

"What is it?"

"Find more reasons to live and learn to love the world again. Don't let the past trap you anymore."

Alex, this is why I love you so much. I know it's been a lot harder recently, with my shadows clouding my thoughts and dimming the small spark inside me, but it's because of you the spark hasn't burnt out yet. I can feel it burn a little brighter as the shadows disperse slightly, not a lot but enough to put a small smile on my face. Enough to make me want to take the first step in healing.

"Of course. I promise."