All I hide

Chapter 39

Hey Mum,

It's been a while, hasn't it? I've not written to you since that time I let all my anger out. Please don't get your hopes up; I'm not here to reconcile. I'm still very much angry but lots of things have happened and the daughter in me wants to share it with her mother...so here I am.

Firstly, for whatever reason, Dad contacted John. He's been absent all this time and suddenly tried to swoop back in like nothing happened. I don't know what to think or feel. It hurts and sucks a lot and ticks me off but if Dad were to contact me then I'd go to see him without hesitation. I don't know why. It makes more sense for me to not want to yet I know I'd regret it if I didn't. I guess I'm a little irrational like that.

Secondly, maybe I'm not as angry towards you as I claim to be. At least not as angry as I was a month ago when I wrote the previous letter. I've not gotten over it and still feel wronged but I made harsh accusations against you that I don't want to believe. I don't want to think that you asked me for pills on purpose or took advantage of me helping out to get me to do things you just couldn't feel bothered to do. I want to think that your bad days really were that bad and you weren't exaggerating just to make me do more chores. You're not here and I don't want to remember you bitterly. I want to look back one day and love you for the mother and friend you were to me. I want to love you despite how it all ended. And I do love you. I really do. I'm just struggling to forgive you right now. Maybe one day, I'll look back on all this fondly. I don't know. Can bad memories be precious? Or are they always something we'd rather just not remember?

That brings me to the final thing. I don't know if I've mentioned Elliott to you or not. He's one of John's friends and I've fallen for him bad. Mum, I really really really like him and that terrifies me because he can do so much better. I'm no one amazing and cause a lot of problems but he chooses to stay with me anyway. That should make me happy right? But I'm so far gone that it makes me feel terrible instead. He's so patient with me and as grateful as I am, I'm equally sorry. Mmm but Alex likes him a lot too which is always a good sign.

Alex. Should I tell you about Alex? What do you want to know? You loved him a lot but never showed it in a way he understood. I think the way he feels about you is more complicated than how I do. I don't fully know myself. He says a lot of vague things that leave me wondering. Of course he loves you but he's hurt and angry too. For him it's more than hurt and anger though. A lot more. I'm not sure how to describe it. We don't bring it up unless we need to. How he feels towards Dad is another topic altogether.

Anyways, Dad...ha. It's occurred to me that he probably knew we were all friends. There's no way he didn't. I mean, we never hid it. So did he just continue acting oblivious and hope he'd never get caught? Maybe. I don't want to think about it.

Can you tell I'm completely done with everything? I don't want to stress myself out by overthinking or worrying anymore. I thought I was healing but sometimes it feels like I'm backtracking a lot instead. Too many things keep happening and it becomes really overwhelming. Despite all this though, it's reassuring to know I'm not alone. I think that's why I've been able to hang on. If I was alone, this would've been impossible.

I stop writing as my tears splash on the page and blur my vision. After college today, instead of hanging around, I left as soon as my last class finished and came to the park. First I stopped by the bench across the lake but then moved to the large tree for more privacy. It's not that today was a bad day, I'm just exhausted from the weekend's events and needed time to myself to process things. John's not been speaking to me much either but I think it's more to do with him also wanting some space rather than being upset with me. At least that's what I'm hoping. Placing my notebook beside me, I bring my knees to my chest and cry into my arms.

I'm not sure how much times passes but the sun is hanging lower in the sky by the time my tears run out, the sky a little darker than before. My legs have stiffened, causing me to wince as I stretch them out. Someone approaches me as I'm packing my notebook and pen away.

"I thought I'd find you here."

I turn to the person. Long dark hair and green-brown eyes. "Catherine."

She smiles and crouches beside me. "Hey. Ready to come home?"

"I'm..." I must look like such a mess right now. What am I supposed to say?

"Don't worry. I'll make sure Mum doesn't see you."

"You're not going to ask anything?"

She shakes her head and stands up, also helping me to my feet. "You'll tell me if you want to."

"Let's go home first." I don't let go of her hand and she must see something in my expression because she tightens her grip and starts leading us home.