All I hide

Chapter 27

"Hey, what's with the mubble-fubbles?" Elliott waves his hand in front of my face and pulls out the seat beside me.

I shift my distracted gaze from the book I'm not really reading to him, suddenly more alert than I just was and give him a weak smile. "Mubble-fubbles? What's that?"

"A gloomy mood. Melancholy. Low spirits. Et cetera."

"Oh. Was it obvious?"

He props his elbow on the table, resting his cheek on his palm as his eyes roam over my face. "Not exactly. Your quietness just feels a little...quieter. You didn't sense my arrival before I spoke like you usually do."

He noticed? I can't help but feel a little touched. "I had a rough weekend but it's okay now."

"Are you sure?"

"Mmhm." It's clear from the look he's giving me that he's not convinced but like usual, he doesn't push it. "Aren't you normally in class this time?" I ask, changing the topic.

"I am but my lesson was cancelled." He reaches for the plate of chips and fried chicken tenders that I got from the canteen but wasn't able to eat, putting some chips in his mouth.

Turning back to my book, I try to finish the last few pages of the chapter but nothing goes in, my mind processing none of the words and sentences. Sighing, I put the book down and bury my face in my hands. "Elliott."

"Yeah?"

"What are you supposed to do when you love and resent someone at the same time and that person isn't around anymore?" I lower my hands to look at him, not really expecting an answer but just seeking reassurance.

He seems taken aback by my question, his eyes wide and lips parted as if he's unsure how to respond. Of course he is. I've not told him anything about myself and suddenly ask this. He only knows what John told him and that wasn't everything. The silence lingers and I start worrying he's going to realise I'm too much to handle. Just as I'm about to turn away, he reaches for me, his arms wrapping around me and pulling me to him as close as he can considering our seated positions.

"Elliott –"

"Shh." He whispers soft words into my ear, his lips brushing against my skin. "You're not supposed to do anything. Just let yourself feel it until it comes to pass on its own."

His warmth envelops me and I close my eyes, wanting to sink into it. I'm not sure how much time passes before he pulls away but he doesn't let go completely, still holding me as if to keep me rooted here with him and not lost in my mind. His eyes flicker across my face again, searching for something, maybe a sign that I trust him.

"John told you what happened right?" I start quietly.

"Your dad..."

"Yeah." I nod, dropping my gaze to my lap and fidgeting with my hands. "Well a few weeks after that my mum passed away. She uh, she took her own life."

"Sam you don't need to tell me."

"I want to." My eyes meet his briefly. "Please listen." Before I lose the courage and hide away again. Before I convince myself that I'm not worth your time and am just forcing you into something you never signed up for.

He lifts my face back to his, giving me that soft smile he gives me when I catch him staring. "Always."

I'm not sure how one simple word can mean so much but I realise then that I can trust him. He's not run away all this time and he's not going to now. All the times he's checked up on me, the way he's helped me despite not knowing the full story and not pushed me nor judged me...I can trust this boy in front of me who seems to radiate sunlight and makes me feel things I've never felt before. "It happened the night before my birthday. She was suffering from severe depression and it crippled her to the point she couldn't leave her room sometimes...so I stepped up and started doing more things around the house to take care of Alex and help her out. When she asked me for her medication that night I never expected she'd be gone the next morning."

"Sam –"

"I really don't want to resent her or feel so angry but how can I not when I was so unsure of what I was doing and so scared of not doing enough? It was exhausting...and finding her that morning, realising what I'd done –" I move away from him, feeling tears brim in my eyes "– I can barely be near medicines without feeling nervous. When my cousin asked me for painkillers, I froze up and then panicked after giving them to her even though she was completely fine."

"Hey," he says gently, "it's okay. You're okay. I'm here, right here."

"You don't think I'm weak or pathetic?"

"No. Never." He reaches for me again, cupping my face to make me look at him but I keep my gaze lowered. "Won't you look at me?"

I shake my head. If I look at him I might burst out sobbing in the middle of the cafeteria.

"Please?"

So I do and he's looking at me the way he did in the café – earnest and almost vulnerable.

"You want to know what I think? I think you've been dealt a really bad set of cards and you're just trying your best despite them. Do you know how happy John was when you both reconciled? His eyes were suddenly a hundred times brighter and his laugh a hundred times merrier. I understand now why he never gave up on you. There's something about you that makes it impossible to let go."

"Elliott –" My heart hurts but not in the bad way. Too many thoughts and too many feelings overwhelm me and it takes all my effort to not start crying.

"It hurts that you can't see how great you are. When he tried talking to you but you didn't let him, I noticed your expression when he walked away. It was so broken and full of remorse like all you really wanted to do was call him back to you." He leans closer to me. "If you were heartless you wouldn't be feeling this way. You wouldn't be blaming yourself for things that were beyond your control. You wouldn't be so scared of me judging you."

"You saw all that and never once felt annoyed about how much I was hurting him?"

"I couldn't." He's so close I can feel his breath fanning my face. "Not when it was hurting you just as much. Sam I think I –"

"You what?" I prompt when he doesn't continue, my heart pounding hard against my ribcage.

"No I can't. You don't need this right now." He shakes his head, moving back and dropping his hand from my face. His expression is conflicted, like he's holding himself back from doing something he desperately wants to do.

"Elliot what is it? You can tell me."

"I can't. I don't want to add more to your plate."

"But..." I sigh, my face crumpling. "You think I'm too fragile to handle it, don't you? I know I say I'm a mess but –"

"No!" he rushes to clarify, his eyes widening in panic. "Damn it. Why do you have to look at me like that? It's not that I'm hiding something bad; I just think this is the wrong time to tell you."

Oh. Does he mean... Surely not right? There's not much to like. Still, I reach for his hand and he flinches, not expecting it. But then he relaxes, slowly interlocking our fingers. A shy smile spreads across my face. "Do you...do you like me?"

"Since I first laid eyes on you." He gives me that soft, earnest look again. "Do you like me?"

"Yeah."