All I hide

Chapter 38

"That's not fair." Though I don't hide the hurt from my voice this time, I turn back to the desk and flip the paper over, my scribbles becoming messier as my grip on the pen tightens. Is this really what he thinks of me? "The first thing I did was come running to find you. I didn't even tell anyone I was leaving because all I was thinking about was you. If anything, you cast me out of this situation first didn't you? So don't..." I trail off as broken laughter escapes me, the pen falling from my hand onto the desk. This is not what I came here for. I wanted to see how John was holding up, not fight with him. Should I just leave? What would that achieve though? And what excuse would I give everyone else as to why I suddenly want to go? Anja's preparing dinner so excitedly, refusing my help and asking me to keep John company instead. I don't have it in me to disappoint her.

"Sam, I'm sorry. I didn't mean –"

"I just didn't want to influence your decision, that was all," I cut him off, trying to keep calm so I don't make things worse. "I didn't want to be selfish and seek my own desires through you. I'm sorry if it came across differently and I sounded like I was refusing to acknowledge our familial ties. I'm sorry I hurt you."

John doesn't respond so a tense silence ensues, neither one of us looking at each other. I can hear his sniffles as he tries to stop crying and it kills me to know that I caused it. Sighing, I move to sit beside him. He's buried his face in his arms and sobs rack through him. I always wondered how he could be smiling so brightly after everything that happened but recent events have made me realise his smiles never meant he wasn't also hurting and struggling. He was simply smiling, regardless of the bad, for the good things in his life instead.

"Hey," I begin gently. "I really am sorry, okay? Really. I should've been more careful with how I said things. Family means so much to you and I didn't consider how separating the friend and sister parts of myself would affect you." I put my hand on his shoulder and he turns his head to look at me, his eyes red and puffy. "Elliott was trying to flirt with me while you were asleep and I rejected him saying my brother is right there. I guess it took me longer to accept it but not once did I ever consider you to not be my brother."

Again, he doesn't respond and I try not to feel so disheartened as I lean back against the wall. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. I sense him shuffle closer to me and then there's a weight on my shoulder as he leans against me. "Please don't apologise for putting my wishes above your own. I'm the one who's overthinking everything and accusing you of things that aren't true so I should be apologising... All of this is just really getting to me and I keep taking it out on you. I...crap, what's wrong with me?"

I think about how I asked Elliott the same question yesterday and everything he said to me. "It's so stupid isn't it? One text message causing this much mess...but you're human. You're allowed to feel things. It's okay."

"You've been talking to Ellie." I can hear the smile in his voice.

"Mmhm but I guess it's what everyone's been trying to tell me all along. I just needed to hear it from someone new for it to really kick in."

"Sam! John!" Alex runs into the room excitedly but his expression falls as soon as he sees John. "What's wrong?"

John shifts away from me, silently asking with his eyes if he can tell Alex. I nod, my words from earlier still true. If John wants to tell Alex, I won't stop him. I just hope Alex doesn't get hurt. "Alex, something happened yesterday and I..." he stops, struggling to find the words.

Alex looks between both of us, a resigned smile forming on his lips as he figures it out. "Did Dad message you or call you?"

John nods, not seeming phased by how calmly Alex is taking it. "He wants to meet me but I can't do it. I'll lash out or do something that I'll regret and I don't want that."

"Okay."

"Okay?" Their eyes meet then and the way they're looking at each other makes my heart sink. John, his eyes still shining from his previous tears, realising what Alex just said and not quite believing it. Alex, his eyes expressing a hundred things at once, holding himself back from freaking out for John's sake. "Is this really okay?"

"Yeah." Alex's smile brightens but he hugs himself, gripping his arms tightly to hide his trembling. "Dad can't expect you to welcome him back after what he did. I wouldn't want to see him either."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive." Yet he looks so sad and all I want to do is hold him close and take him somewhere faraway. Somewhere safe and happy where bad things don't happen...places that only exist in fairytales. "Umm anyways, I came up to call you both down for dinner. It'll be ready in five minutes."

"Okay. I'll just go freshen up." John leaves the room.

As soon as he's out of sight, Alex falls to his knees and buries his face in his hands. I join him, putting my arms around him. "Alex –"

"I'm okay. I just need a minute."

"You're not just saying that?"

"Really. I didn't lie to John and I'm not lying to you." He lowers his hands, wiping his tears as he pulls back from me. "So this is why you suddenly ran out yesterday. It wasn't to sneak off with Elliott. Oh well. Maybe another day."

"Hey!" I'm not sure how to respond, caught off guard by the sudden comment.

"You're blushing!" he giggles then his expression becomes serious. "Does he know that I'm your number one?"

"Yeah. He's perfectly okay with it."

"That's good. Everyone really liked him yesterday and not just because of everything I've previously said. I'm pretty sure this morning I heard Auntie telling Uncle that she dreamed about your wedding."

"Seriously?" I scoff amusedly. "We need to find Catherine a boyfriend before she picks names for all my potential kids too."

"Didn't Cathy have a boyfriend a few years ago?"

"Yeah but it was never serious."

"Are you and Ellie serious?" he asks quietly, not meeting my eyes and fidgeting with his hands.

Are we? I don't even know what we are. All I know is that I really like him and there's no reason to distrust him. He's John's closest friend and helped him through difficult times. Now he's here for me too, slowly and patiently letting me open up to him at my own pace and never expecting anything from me. "Yeah. I think we are."