All I hide

Chapter 24

"Alexander Matthew Wilson, just what do you think you're doing?" I return home only to find Alex attempting to do a handstand or a cartwheel or some strange amalgamation of the two. It's hard to tell but his hands are on the ground and his feet are in the air pointing in different angles as he crosses his legs.

He looks at me and comes down, settling on the carpet. "Oh, hey Sam."

"Hey." I sit beside him and he immediately puts his head on my shoulder.

"In school today we were reading a poem about a mother and her child," he sighs and snuggles closer to me. "Afterwards we were asked to think about our own families and write a short piece and I had no idea what to write."

I put my arms around him and play with his hair, letting him rant freely as he tells me about the lesson and what his classmates came up with and the interpretations they made of the poem.

"It was just so...hard. All I could think about was how Mum's not here anymore and Dad has no intention of coming back. And I know we're not the only messed up family. Some of my classmates have it rough too but in that moment, all I could think about was that time. How Dad just walked out without a word to us and how sad Mum was until she left too."

"Alex..." There's a crushing pain in my chest and I swallow back my tears.

"I know I keep asking you this and you give the same answer every time..." he inhales sharply and I know he's trying not to cry. "...but I'm so scared of losing you. I don't know what I'd do if you were gone."

"That's exactly how I feel about you, Alex," I say softly, "but you told me to find more reasons to live remember? I can't be the only thing that matters to you."

"But everything else would be meaningless without you. I think I finally understand why you did it and why you sacrificed so much. You just wanted me to be happy even if you weren't."

I ponder for a moment before responding, not wanting to belittle his feelings but also not wanting him to fall in the same trap I did. The one he and everyone else freed me from. "Remember what you said to me about how happy you were that I wasn't neglecting myself anymore?"

"Yeah."

"And remember how hurt you were when you realised how much I was actually struggling?"

"Yeah."

"Even if we do sacrifice for the ones we love, it should never be to the point we start losing ourselves. Becoming so lost and destroyed that we can't recognise ourselves anymore...is a terrifyingly lonely thing to experience. Please Alex. Don't do what I did. Don't become like me."

"Okay. You're right." Silence falls on us and I think maybe he's falling asleep but then he asks a question, his voice barely above a whisper. "Will it ever stop hurting?"

I wish there was a definite answer. I wish I could tell him yes but that wouldn't be the truth. "I don't know. It will get easier but I think some part of us will always hurt a little deep down."

"Then what should we do?"

"What we've always done. Take it one day at a time and remind each other that we're not facing this alone."

****

It's a quiet evening and I'm making hot chocolate for Alex and Jacob, who are sitting at the kitchen table watching something on Jacob's iPad. As I cut up the chocolate, Catherine calls to me from the living room.

"Sam?"

"Yeah?" I yell back.

"Can you get me some painkillers? Mother Nature's really having a go at me today."

"Sure." Ignoring the way my heart begins to race, I put the knife I was using down and reach for the medicine cupboard but freeze just as my fingers are about to touch the handle. The last time I gave someone medicine, they were dead the next morning.

"Sam?" Catherine calls again and I realise I've been standing motionless for a few minutes.

"Coming!" Taking a deep breath to calm myself, I open the cupboard and quickly grab the painkillers before I freeze up again and take them to her along with a glass of water.

"You okay?" she asks as she pops two pills out of the packet. "You seem a little shaken."

"Y-yeah. I uh need to get back to the hot chocolate. Do you want some?"

She looks at me for a second like she wants to say more but decides against it and nods. Giving her a quick smile, I return to the kitchen and add the chocolate to the milk, stirring it slowly as I try to stop the flashbacks from invading my thoughts. It's just painkillers. Catherine's not going to do anything stupid. She usually takes them when it's her time of the month.

"I think it's ready now," Alex says to me. I didn't even notice him approach me.

"Oh." I add a few drops of vanilla extract then turn the heat off. Filling their mugs, I place them on the table and take Catherine's one to her before quickly retreating upstairs.