All I hide

Chapter 34

"He must've known," I murmur, breaking the brief silence and confusing Elliott.

"Sorry?"

"Dad. He must've known Mum and Anja were friends. There's no way he wouldn't have known. We mentioned them all the time and I'm sure Anja and John mentioned us all the time." I think back to everything I remember and suddenly see them in a new light. "That day, he wasn't shocked because both his wives were together. No, he was shocked because he was caught and didn't know what to do. That night, he wasn't actually defensive. It was a ruse so he could keep playing dumb. He didn't want to admit that he knew but just didn't care. Or maybe he thought we'd be cool with it when we found out since we're all friends anyway. Obviously that didn't happen."

Elliott doesn't say anything but squeezes my hand, letting me talk my thoughts aloud.

"Think about it. You've known John for about a year and a half now and said he talks about me all the time. So why wouldn't he mention his best friend to his father? Dad knew. He had to because for a man as astute as him to be so oblivious just doesn't make sense. It felt so ridiculous back then but if he knew all along, it doesn't seem so ridiculous anymore. It wasn't simply a betrayal. He was playing all of us the whole time and slipped up when he came home early, not realising we'd all be there instead of just me, Alex and Mum."

"Sam..."

"Damn it. I don't know whether to applaud him or feel angrier."

"Sam look at me." His voice is so soft and I don't realise I'm crying until he reaches up to wipe my tears away. "Hey, it's okay. Please don't stress yourself out."

"We really thought he was never coming back. Even though part of me keeps wishing to see him one more time, I'd slowly accepted that would never happen. Now he wants to see John and I've never seen John so distraught before –"

"Hey," Elliott cuts off my rambling, his lips quirking up. "You were so calm when John vanished and look at you now, taking advantage of him sleeping to cry it all out."

"Are you seriously joking right now?"

"You're going to make me cry. Do you know how hard I've been trying to hold my tears back since John ran off?" he says it jokingly but his eyes are glistening.

Instantly I feel bad, realising how hard it must be for him to not just comfort John but me too. To try to reassure both of us while not knowing what will happen. Trying to hold it in and be strong so we can be weak, even if just for a moment. If ever one needed a reason to love this boy more, he's been tolerating a knob on the tree root digging into his side all this time just so John can sleep comfortably. Crap. I think I'm really falling for him but that just makes me feel worse. "I'm so sorry. I feel like since I've met you all I've done is dump my problems on you."

"I don't mind at all. It's not like you'reexpecting me to solve them and make everything better. Sometimes, all we needis someone to just be there. Someone who'll laugh with us and cry with us.Someone we can fool around with but also have deep conversations with."

"I guess you're right." I look at him in awe, another person I'm so thankful yet sorry towards. "Still I'm sorry. I really really like you and you've been so patient with me and it makes me feel so bad. Is it meant to hurt like this? To keep telling myself I'm not undeserving but never finding a reason for why I deserve you..."

"Please don't say things like that." He tries to blink back his tears but they stream down his cheeks instead. "It really hurts when you put yourself down like that. John used to do the same at first, you know. He'd become so quiet and not say anything for days then suddenly come to me in tears. One time the four of us were hanging out and he just burst into tears. Poor Elijah didn't know what to do and it was the first time we all saw Reina cry as well." He smiles fondly at the memory, as if sad memories can be precious too. "You don't need a reason to deserve me nor do I need a reason to to deserve you. We're here together right now and that's all that matters."

"You really don't feel like I'm burdening you?" I don't know why I need him to confirm it again. This afternoon has been so hectic and my thoughts are a jumbled mess and it's making me too emotional. Tears well up in my eyes again then I let out a broken chuckle. "Crap. What's wrong with me?"

"Never and nothing's wrong with you. Oh my gosh. John's asked me these same questions so many times and I've answered the same every time. Let me tell you what I told him: you're not a burden. I'm here to stay and I like hanging out with you. You're never going to wake up one day and find a text from me asking to break up."

"Break up huh?" Of course, the nuances are different but Elliott's flirtatious nature makes me wonder if that last part was a joke to make John laugh. If it was, I can picture John rolling his eyes and shoving Elliott away before claiming that he'd be the one dumping Elliott. "Ellie, we're not even together yet. You can't dump me this early."

"Please go find a room," John mumbles, slowly waking up and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

Elliott remains in the same position, not wanting to indicate any discomfort in case John feels guilty. "Sleeping Beauty's awake!" he announces giddily.

"I don't need beauty sleep." He scans us both carefully and frowns. "You've both been crying."

"Pfft no. It got windy and a leaf went in my eye."

"Sam too?" he asks suspiciously.

"Oh uh," I rush to think of an excuse. "Ellie accidentally whacked me."

"Yeah, sorry Sam." He bows his head apologetically.

John scoffs while rolling his eyes but not in a malicious way. "You're both terrible liars."

"Oh who knew? Look at that Sam, finally something we have in common!" Elliott grins at me.

The way John is watching us both has me playing along. "Huh we may be compatible after all."