All I hide

Chapter 48

Hey Mum,

So I finally did it. I finally met Dad. He looked well and honestly, I'm glad. Maybe I shouldn't be but as a daughter, seeing him well and healthy makes me happy. I don't say this to upset you. I know what he did was completely wrong and caused everyone so much pain. He caused you so much pain. But I don't want to hold onto anger anymore. I was so ready to go in there and tell him everything – all the hurt and anger everyone felt – but then I sat in front of him and we spoke and I realised I felt nothing at all. It's not that I forgive him because I don't. It's that I moved on from him without noticing I was doing so and it took seeing him for my brain to catch up.

There's still a lot I need to work through. I'm still trying every day to be better to myself and unlearn my unhealthy habits. I'm always looking for things to feel good about, whether it's the silly faces Alex makes at me; the witty comments Jacob comes up with; doing 'girl stuff' with Catherine and Reina; hanging out with John and Elijah; being dragged to spontaneous dates with Elliott; or simply just watching movies with Auntie and Uncle. Even just reading my favourite books or putting on some makeup. Rather than feeling thankful and sorry, I'm trying to feel more thankful than sorry. The world is beautiful and I want to be appreciative of the little things.

That brings me to the final thing. I think I'm ready to forgive you. It really wasn't your fault. None of it was. I know in my heart that if you could change it all you would. You didn't like any of it. You didn't want to be like that. You didn't want to depend on me that much. Ultimately, you loved me and you loved Alex and you still do. Wherever you are now, I sincerely hope you're happy and at peace.

I love you.

Sam x.

"What are you writing?" Alex plonks himself on the sofa beside me and tries to take a peek.

I close my notebook and place it under my lap. "A letter for Mum," I say slowly, not sure how he'll react. He was angrier at her than I was after all.

"Cool." He nods and leans his head against my shoulder.

"You're not mad?"

"No. You're not doing anything wrong."

"I guess." I rest my head atop his. "How do feel about her? Considering everything I mean."

He doesn't answer for what feels like the longest time but I know he heard me because he snuggled into me further. "I love her but I can't forget how much you struggled. I know it wasn't her fault but had she done things differently, maybe you wouldn't have become like that."

"Do you think you'll forgive her one day?"

"Maybe. Are you still scared of medicines?"

"I've not tried since that time with Catherine. I don't know if I'm more scared of panicking or the medicines themselves."

He hums contemplatively then gets up. "I want to try something. Will you trust me on this?"

"What?"

"Trust me." Then he's gone and returning a few minutes later with a small basket filled with various medication. He places them on the coffee table then takes his seat beside me. "How do you feel?"

"Why did you bring this?" I can feel my heart beat harder and quickly look away, my hands fidgeting as they search for something to hold onto.

"Please trust me." He covers the basket with Uncle Michael's newspaper so it's out of sight and takes my hands. "I read about it online with Jacob and spoke to Auntie. Can we try it? We can stop as soon as it becomes too much."

He's asking me so earnestly that I can't find it within me to say no. "Okay."

Alex smiles then removes the newspaper. "Is this okay?"

I take a deep breath then stare at the basket for several moments, feeling my nerves ease the more time passes. "Yeah."

"What about this?" He brings the basket closer.

My nerves pick up but after a while I'm able to calm down. "It's okay." This time he takes a box of pills out of the basket and simply holds it. At first, it's okay but then I become increasingly nervous. "Alex please put it down." Instead he opens the box and takes the packet out. I can feel my heart race and struggle for air. "Alex please. Put it away." I bury my face in my hands and try to hold my tears back as I focus on breathing. Don't think about Mum. He's not actually taking the pills.

"Sam it's okay." I feel a hand on my shoulder and his gentle voice reaches my ears. "I've put them away. You're fine."

Once I've calmed down, I lower my hands and turn to him. He's here. Alex is still here. "You're okay."

"Of course I am. What happened?"

"The longer you held it, the more it felt like you were going to take one."

"So that's what you're scared of," he smiles even though he probably shouldn't, "not medicines but people taking them. That makes sense. You panicked because Catherine asked for painkillers but were completely fine knowing they were in one of the kitchen cupboards."

"Mmm." Though I'm pretty sure at first I also tried to avoid opening said cupboard, even if it was to get something else. I guess this is an improvement.

"Will you be okay holding them?"

"Let's find out next time." I'm determined to keep trying until I'm not scared anymore.