All I hide

Chapter 12

The sky is dark by the time I get back, streetlights guiding my way. I'm taking my coat and shoes off, ready to change into my fluffy pyjamas and drink hot chocolate but not ready for Aunt Kathleen's and Uncle Michael's anger.

"What time do you call this?" she asks me a little too calmly when I enter the living room to let them know I'm back.

A glance at the clock tells me it's almost five o'clock. I didn't realise I was out for so long. They must've been really worried, especially with how low my mood has been recently. "I'm sorry. I uh lost track of time."

This answer doesn't satisfy them. Uncle Michael draws in a breath and shakes his head, his dark hair messy as if he kept running his hand through it, and Aunt Kathleen's expression twists into a scowl. "You left this morning without informing us of where you're going or how long you'll be out for. Look at you. You've gone so pale from the cold. Is it that difficult to simply communicate your whereabouts so we don't worry?"

"I..." My head lowers in shame and tears well in my eyes. Any other day, her scolding wouldn't hurt so much. Any other day, I wouldn't be holding back stupid tears over something like this. But today when I'm already such a vulnerable mess and nervous wreck, it's too much. "I'm sorry," I mumble, backing away slightly. "I-I'll be more careful next time."

"Next time? You plan to do this again?"

"No that's not what I meant. I-"

"You know what I don't need this. It was bad enough with Kaitlyn. If you want to follow in her footsteps go ahead. I want no part in it."

Her words make me flinch as if she's slapped me. This was never about me going out, I realise. It's about how closed off and difficult I've been. This road of self-destruction that I've been stuck on is hurting everyone I care about. I want to stop and turn back. I need to stop and turn back.

"Kathleen that's enough." Uncle Michael puts his hand on her arm then looks at me. "Sam why don't you talk to us anymore? You've become so closed off that we don't know what to think. Sometimes I feel like I don't know you." He says it so gently but it wounds me anyway.

The haunting loneliness feels stronger for some reason. I know they're right and only concerned for me but it just seems like I've lost them too. Two more people who got tired of waiting by the door for me to let them in. "I'm sorry. I really am."

I leave the room and drag myself up the stairs, notbothering to wipe away the tears falling from my eyes. I bump into Alex on theway to my room and for a moment we stare at each other, his expressionunreadable. Before he can say anything, I enter the room and shut the door.

"Sam talk to me," Catherine requests gently after helping me calm down. As soon as I entered the room earlier I broke down in front of her and she simply held me while I cried. "What's wrong?"

"Everything. I'm so sick of everything." I bring my knees to my chest and hug them.

"Sam..."

"I didn't cry when Dad left or when Mum died." A bitter laugh breaks out of me. "Why the hell am I crying now? I'm so pathetically selfish it's disgusting. I pushed you all away under the excuse of prioritising Alex but he hates me. Was I even doing all this for him? Or was I just gaslighting myself to believe that when really, I just didn't want to bother with any of you? Why did I even talk to John again? I've just been dumping my load onto him instead of seeing if he's really okay. I haven't even spoken to his mum or sister. I can't stand myself right now."

"Hey that's not true. How can you think that of yourself?" she sighs then gives me a small smile. "This is the first time since everything happened that you've let yourself fully break down and let it all out. As strange as this sounds, I'm actually relieved."

"It's my fault though. All this mess is my fault."

"You've been dealing with everything in your own way. I know Mum and Dad are angry right now and Alex too but give them time to come round."

"You're not mad at me?" I ask, my tone so brokenly hopeful that her smile falters for a second before she pulls me to her again, her warmth so comfortable I want to sink into it.

"Not at all. I think they were too harsh towards you."

"Cath..."

"You've been struggling by yourself for far too long, trying to be brave for Alex and reduce the burden on the rest of us. But Sam, you're not a burden. You're my sister and looking out for you has never been a chore. It's what sisters do. Has Alex ever been a burden to you?"

"Never."

"So how can you be a burden to us?"

"Your mum said she's had enough. She's so done with me. Your dad doesn't recognise who I've become and Alex said he can't stand me anymore. I'm too selfish. I'm a burden to all of them."

"Sam that's not true. You can't let what they said bring you down."

"How can I not though?" I counter, pulling away from her. "You're all so important to me, especially Alex and he..." He won't talk to me or even stay in the same room as me. I have no idea what he's thinking. His hateful stare haunts me every night. "I'm scared I'll lose the rest of you too. You, Jacob and John. I'll be nothing without any of you."

"You've not lost anyone, silly girl. I know it must feel like you're on your own but you're not."

Really though? Really? When Alex asked me what I'd do if he was gone, I didn't answer because I didn't want to think about it. These past few days have shown me that I wouldn't be able to cope without him. I've barely been hanging on. I became so desperate I was looking for pills. I think I understand now what Mum meant when she said it didn't matter that she had a supportive environment. Ultimately it didn't matter because the loneliness she felt was too strong. Any time we tried to help her she felt bad for not being able to fully appreciate it and that guilt added to how alone she felt. I hate that I can sympathise now; I don't want to end up like her. I can't end up like her. She didn't want this for us and I'm only letting her down.

"Sam," Catherine says when the silence lasts too long. "Why did you have those pills last night?"

"I really don't know. I just wanted to stop stressing and relax."

"Were you going to..."

"I don't know."

"Do you think it'll happen again?"

"No." This I'm more confident about. There's been a steady determination bubbling inside me as I've been speaking to Catherine. One that's been trying to rise for a while but I kept supressing every time I backtracked. Not anymore. I won't let their words get to me no matter how much they hurt. "No it won't. You're right. I'm not alone. I can get better. I will get better."

"You will." She grins at me, her expression full of pride. "You'll get better and I'll be with you every step of the way."