All I hide

Chapter 25

Once in my room I curl up on the floor in front of my bed, hugging my knees to my chest and resting my forehead on them. I shouldn't be feeling this scared. It was a harmless favour and Catherine is completely fine. But still, all I can think about is how Mum was gone the next morning. I was just trying to help her and take care of her like I'd started doing when her depression became so severe she stopped being able to do basic tasks. How was I to know what she would do? This one mistake of mine...it cost so much. It took her life. And yes, I know it's not actually my fault. I know thinking these things won't do me any good. I just wish things could've been different.

I was thirteen when Mum was diagnosed with severe depression. The year and a half leading up to her death was so hard. At first it was okay. Her medication and therapy sessions seemed to be helping. Then one day it wasn't. She stopped feeling motivated to do things and her mood was constantly low. She began eating less and I had to start cooking for me and Alex on the days she couldn't get out of bed and Dad was working late. Aunt Kathleen and Anja would always bring food when they came over. Slowly over time, I became responsible for looking after everyone. I helped Alex get ready for school, made sure he was doing his homework and kept him happy and fed. I made sure Mum was taking her medicines and going to therapy, brought meals to her room on the days she isolated herself and encouraged her to go to work. I'd leave shopping lists for Dad and leave a plate of food for him to eat when he returned late at night.

Mum hated herself for it. I know she did. She hated seeing how much responsibility I was taking on simply because she couldn't bring herself to do it. Every time I bid her goodnight, she apologised to me with tears in her eyes and hugged me tightly. Every time I reassured her that I didn't mind and she had nothing to apologise for.

I never told her how terrified I was. I never told her that I didn't know what I was meant to do. I can't even tell her now that I still don't know what I'm doing, that I'm still so so afraid. Something as simple as some medication shouldn't cause me to panic. I shouldn't feel so distraught when someone is upset or angry with me. Why do I have to be so afraid?

"Sam?" Jacob's voice reaches my ears and I sense him approach me. "Hey, what is it? It's not like you to run away from hot chocolate."

I lift my head and look at him with teary eyes. "Painkillers...sleeping pills...Mum..." I murmur.

"What are you trying to say?"

"Don't ask me to give someone medication."  I shake my head, trying to get the image of my mother out of my mind. "Please. I-I can't."

"Oh." His eyes widen in realisation. "Sam she's okay. Catherine's okay. She put the packet back in the cupboard. No one here will do that."

"I was just trying to be a good daughter," I whisper. "I just wanted to make things easier for her."

"I know Sam," he says softly. "We all wanted that."

"It wasn't enough though. Nothing we ever did was enough. In the end, the only helpful thing I did for her was to help her kill herself." A dry laugh escapes me and tears stream down my cheeks. "I can't stand myself sometimes. I'm a mess."

"Sam –"

"What did you just say?" someone interrupts.

We both turn to the door and see Alex standing there, looking at both of us in shock.

"Alex –" Jacob tries to calm him but gets cut off again.

"Please tell me I heard that wrong." Alex's gaze is directly on me. "Tell me you didn't just say that."

I look away from him, keeping my eyes on the floor. Great. He's going to flip. He's going to lash out and we'll go back to not speaking. I don't realise I'm trembling until Jacob puts his hand on my back.

"Alex, please," he requests softly. "She doesn't need this right now."

"Sam tell me." His voice is gentler and he sits in front of me.

"I..." I take a deep breath to prepare myself, unsure of how he'll react. "Remember when I told you what happened? How I found Mum on my birthday?"

"She took too many pills."

"Yeah. Well the night before she asked me to..." I close my eyes and swallow back my tears, not wanting to cry anymore. "...to give her the pills since I was going downstairs. I thought she was struggling to sleep like other nights. I didn't know she'd..." I look at him pleadingly, silently begging him to understand and not get angry. "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry."

He doesn't reply for the longest time and I see every emotion flicker in his eyes. "That's why you froze when Catherine asked you for painkillers and why you stopped using them. I always wondered why you suddenly started avoiding medicines."

"You're not mad?"

"No. I-it's not your fault." He gives me a reassuring smile.

Instantly I relax, a relieved laugh escaping me. "That's great. That's really great."

"Do you want to watch a movie?" Jacob asks me.

"Mm can you give me a moment?"

"Sure. Alex come on."

Alex hesitates but then follows Jacob out of theroom. Once alone, I lean my head back against my bed, staring at the ceiling asI let out a deep sigh. It's okay, I tell myself. It'll be okay. It might stillbe scary now but one day, I won't be so afraid anymore.