All I hide

Epilogue

"Hey Mum," I greet as I sit by her grave, Alex sitting beside me. I read the words inscribed on her gravestone, my heart feeling light and heavy at the same time. "Are you glad we're finally here? I hope we haven't left it too long." I place a small bouquet of white stargazer lilies atop her grave. "I wasn't sure what to bring but I settled for these. They were your favourite right? Auntie said they symbolise rejuvenation of the soul." My eyes fall on some purple hyacinths, they're fresh as if they were left recently. "D-did Dad leave these? Has he been coming every year?"

Alex notices me choking up and puts a hand on my shoulder. Placing a bouquet of pink carnations next to the lilies, he takes over. "Hey Mum. It's Sam's birthday today. Do you remember how we'd secretly plan everything together and how hard it was for me to keep it from her?" he chuckles but it sounds sad. "But you became so unwell and we couldn't do that anymore. I'm sorry I couldn't do more to help you and didn't understand how much you were struggling. For a long time I resented you because all I saw was the effect it had on Sam...but I don't want to resent you anymore. I'm not ready to forgive you yet but you'll wait for me, won't you? Sam's a lot better now and I promise that I'll take care of her the way she's been taking care of me. I'll learn to look for the good in little things the way she has been and I'll live a good life so you can be happy and let go of your regrets. Wherever you are now, I really want you be at peace."

"Should I tell you about my day like I do in my letters?" I ask through my tears. "A lot has happened. Catherine's in uni now and Jacob's started college. Next year I might be off to uni too. Why did no one warn me how intense A-levels would be? Did you find them hard too?"

"Sam it's okay." Alex hugs me to him, letting me cry on his shoulder. "Mum, look at her. I bet you've never seen her this emotional right? She never cried like this before when you were around. Have you read Sam's letters? Do you receive them from where you are? I had to buy her a new notebook recently because she used the other one up. I guess she always has a lot to tell you huh? Is that why she doesn't talk much to me?"

"Shut up," I laugh, pushing him away and wiping my tears. "You're the one who doesn't want to listen to me."

"You're too busy bickering with John or kissing Ellie."

"Am not!" I can feel myself blush despite myself and this amuses him more.

"No Mum, don't worry." He turns his attention back to the grave. "Sam spends plenty of time with me, so much so that I'm thinking I need to hide from her. Why doesn't she understand that I'm a teenager now so I don't need to be coddled?"

"Mum look at him," I whine. "He's becoming cheekier these days. Taller too. I think he'll be taller than me soon. Elijah's right. He's going to break so many hearts when he's older."

A stupid grin appears on his face. "What do you think Mum? Your son is a handsome boy."

"Keep making that face and you'll get no one," I quip.

He gasps, putting a hand on his heart. "You're meant to encourage me not put me down."

"You've been taking lessons from Ellie."

"Of course! Mum, you're future son-in-law is the best." His voice becomes more sincere as he adds, "I wish you could meet him but if you're watching us and reading Sam's letters, then you already know right? He'd love to meet you too."

"Anja misses you every day," I tell her quietly. "She thinks of you all the time. Did you know she keeps a photo of you in her purse? You're with her everywhere she goes."

"It's been a crazy year, Mum." Alex reaches for my hand and leans his head against mine. "Maybe the hardest year so far since you moved on...but at the same time it was the most fulfilling and meaningful. We fought a lot and cried a lot and at times couldn't even look at each other. But we got through it because we stuck together. It was bearable because we had each other."

"That's all you wanted for us, wasn't it? To stick together through everything. We did that and more. Everyone who's always been there, caring for us and supporting us. Auntie and Uncle took us in and have raised us these past three years alongside Catherine and Jacob. Anja never lost hope and waited for us patiently. John too...he endured my coldness for so long and now we're as close as ever. Anna's become quite a little madam. But Alex especially has always been rooting for me and I try to do my best every day for him."

"And I do my best every day for Sam. This time of the year has become sad but Sam's birthday is still my favourite day. It hurts that you're gone and I guess it always will but I'm thankful to you for giving me a sister, even if she arrived first."

"He's so silly, isn't he Mum?" I laugh as my eyes well up with tears again. "How does he say such endearing things in a clumsy way? Auntie said you used to do that too."

"Auntie's told us so many silly stories about you. Uncle always says you were the best little sister he could've asked for." Alex's voice cracks and he breaks down into sobs, burying his face in his hands. I realise then he was joking around to hold it in for my sake.

"Alex," I put my arms around him as my own tears fall. "Alex, it's okay. You miss her a lot, huh? I do too but she's in a better place now."

"I know. I just...now that we're here it's really hitting me that she's gone."

"She'll always be here with us. Always."

"Just like we'll always stick together." This time it's not a request but a statement of a fact, his voice soft yet firm and confident. He's no longer scared that I'll leave.

I smile and hug him tighter, kissing the top of his head. "Exactly. Together we can endure anything."

"Anything," he echoes, moving back to look at me, his eyes sparkling, "because we're unbeatable."

Just let them try to stop us.

If they dare.