All I hide

Chapter 8

I stay with John at the café a little longer before heading home, feeling lighter than I have in a long time, the crushing weight finally easing a fraction. Will I be able to keep this momentum going, I wonder, or will something confounding set me off course? There's no point thinking about it too deeply though, is there? What good is there in making myself more nervous than I have been all this time? The reassurance John gave me, I want to hold onto it. I want to use it to give me strength when I feel myself slipping again. There's a lot that we still need to talk about and come to terms with but that can happen slowly. For now, I'm simply glad that I didn't push him away again and that he's been patient with me all this time.

The house is strangely quiet when I walk in. Usually Alex and Jacob are making a racket. Instead I find them in the living room, Alex sleeping with his head on Jacob's lap, who's on his phone, one hand playing with Alex's hair. He glances at me as I sit on the other sofa, his brown eyes slightly hidden by his dark hair giving nothing away.

I glance back at him, trying to figure out what he's thinking, and suddenly it becomes a staring competition. As expected, he wins because I can never hold someone's gaze for long and the amused, smug pull of his lips tells me he knew he'd win too.

"Idiot," I mutter under my breath, causing him to chuckle.

"You're in a better mood today."

"Is it obvious?"

"Hmm," he pretends to think about it. "Well you leave the house looking dead and return looking alive. What do you think?"

"...How long has he been sleeping?" I nod my head towards Alex, deciding to change the topic before Jacob teases me more.

"We were watching a movie and he fell asleep right after." He checks the time. "Uh it's been roughly an hour. Where did you go?"

"A café. John happened to be there too."

"And that made you happy?" he questions confusedly. "Just the mere thought of him brings you to tears usually."

I bring my knees to my chest and put my arms around them. Maybe talking to Jacob about it won't be so bad. He'll just simply listen rather than psychoanalysing me or being all sympathetic. It's one of the reasons Alex likes him so much since he hates anyone pitying him. "You're right. Usually that is what happens. The reason we drifted apart though isn't because we fought or he hurt me...I just found it really hard to face him because I was trying to shut out everything that reminded me of what happened back then. He tried so many times to talk to me but every time I refused to engage in it. Today he came to my table and tried again so I decided to stop being a selfish idiot."

Jacob nods slowly then gives me a small smile. "You're not a selfish idiot. I'm glad you're realising that you don't need to let the past keep hurting you anymore."

Is that what it is? "I just want to stop feeling so tired and miserable and guilty. It's not nice for any of you and it's not nice for me either."

"Guilty? Because you pushed John away?"

"Well yeah I guess." And the pills. Those damn pills. I've avoided handling any type of medication since because the flashbacks got to me any time I did and now I'm too scared.

"What is it?"

"What?"

"There's something you're not telling me." He tilts his head to the side. "Do you want to talk about it? While Alex is still asleep I mean."

Should I? Maybe he'll tell me what I've been forbidding myself to believe all this time. Or maybe saying it out loud will enable me to let go of it. Maybe both. "You remember what Mum did right?" I ask quietly.

"She overdosed." His voice is quiet too.

"It was me who gave her the medication. It was the middle of the night and I was heading downstairs to drink water and she..." I hide my face in my arms. "She asked me to bring her sleep tablets from the cupboard on my way back. So I did, not thinking much of it, and the next morning she was gone."

"Sam you know that's not your fault, right?"

"I know but I can't help but think that had I not obeyed or just taken out the dose she needed, maybe she'd still be here."

"Thinking those things won't help anyone. Look what it's done to you."

What it's done to me. What have I done to myself? Why did I let this mess consume me and not take care of myself the past two years? Why did I let guilt over something that wasn't truly my fault wreck me? Would Alex also believe I'm not to blame?

"He won't blame you. Trust me, he won't."

"How can you guarantee that though?"

"Because he adores you and nothing will ever change that."