All I hide

Chapter 41

It's Tuesday and the sun is shining brightly outside so Reina and I came to a café after college to have some drinks and desserts. Catherine wanted to join us but got called away to a last minute group study session with her classmates, which she begrudgingly agreed to.

"I'm okay," I reassure Reina, who's looking at me with concern.

She frowns and signs out John's name then the gesture for 'what'. Through the time I've spent with them, I've slowly picked up on gestures she commonly makes, as well as basic sign language, and learnt to read her expressions too. Her frown is stern, meaning she wants the truth and doesn't want me to beat around the bush. I'm guessing John didn't tell her anything and with how quiet he's become, hardly saying a word to anyone, she's worried.

Sighing, I look down at my mug. "Last weekend, Dad texted John asking to meet him and John refused. He's been stressed and upset since. I've tried talking to him but it's not been going smoothly. Now that he's being quiet, maybe it's better to give him space. I don't want to make him mad or upset him more than he already is."

Reina taps on the table so I return my gaze to her. Once she has my attention, she begins signing slowly so I can understand bit by bit.

I say the words aloud as she signs so she can tell me if I've gotten it right or wrong. "He's not upset with you...give him time...to...come around?"

She nods at me with a proud smile.

"How often has this happened before? John becoming quiet, I mean."

She thinks about it then responds. Lots.

The scene of John crying in Elliott's arms comes to mind followed by everything Elliott said to me about how John used to be around them. Then I think of the times John has trailed off mysteriously while saying something, like something occurred to him, but brushed it off and changed the topic with a smile. I don't realise I've become silent until Reina taps on the table again.

What's wrong?

"Nothing just..." I lean my head on my hand, massaging my temple. "This is so messed up. No wonder John doesn't want to meet him. He's so bright and bubbly so when things like this happen, it really catches me off guard and I never know what to do. Maybe that's stupid since I've known him for so long but I think I can count on my hand the times he's been this upset. You guys probably know better how to help him than I do."

Maybe. She shrugs. But so what?

I don't know whether it's the bluntness or nonchalance of her response that elicits laughter from me. A genuine laugh, not bitter or sad or resigned, but amused and happy. "So what? Am I agonising over nothing?"

Yes. You do that a lot. It's not good for you.

"I've been hearing that so much recently. I guess I have too many bad habits."

She shakes her head and signs something but I don't understand it all.

"What about my heart?"

She spreads her hands apart.

"It's big? I have a big heart?"

A nod then she makes a broken heart.

"So it's more susceptible to getting hurt?"

Another nod then she points to her temple and pretends to fall asleep.

"I need to put my thoughts to sleep? I should. All this overthinking is tiring."

You're not bad. You've just told yourself you are.

This hits me like a bucket of cold water, the chills freezing me for a second. "Rei..."

John too. It was hard to make him see it but if he can believe then you can too.

He never said anything, never showed me how much he's been suffering. His tears from when we finally spoke it out and last weekend held so much more than I thought. So much more than what he'd told me. We're okay. We're in this together. We'll get through this. How many times has he told me these words instead? Because he's at a better point than those low times...of course he wouldn't mention them when it's something he's left behind. And he probably didn't want me to feel worse than I was. Now though, I can be there for him just as he's been here for me.

You'll be okay Sam. All of you will.

****

As soon as I get home, Alex throws himself at me, his momentum knocking me back onto the sofa. He doesn't say anything, just keeps his arms and legs around me and buries his face in my shoulder. "Hey what is it? Surely you're not this excited to see me?"

"Shut up. Please shut up." His voice is heavy with tears and immediately I know something is very wrong. Did something happen at school? Did Dad try something?

I hold my questions back until he calms down and pulls away from me, loosening his hold but still remaining on my lap. "What is it?"

"Dad showed up at the school gates," he says quietly, not looking at me. "I think he was hoping to find me but Jacob took me through the side gate and snuck us into a crowd. I'm scared he'll keep trying though until he gets to speak to me."

"Where's Jacob now?"

"Upstairs revising. I came down since I saw you through the window."

Right. His GCSEs aren't far away now, running the same time as Catherine's A-levels. I know he's more concerned about Alex right now though, probably wondering how to keep Alex away from Dad. It won't be practical to keep trying to sneak out. "Have you told anyone else?"

"No. Jacob said to wait till Uncle's home so we can tell everyone together."

"Okay." This is great isn't it? First he tried John and now Alex. What exactly is he hoping to achieve? I doubt this is something that can be fixed. The trust is completely gone. He wouldn't go after Anna, would he? She doesn't know anything and is very impressionable. Would he take advantage of that? I want to say he's not that cunning but I honestly don't know anymore. The faith I had in the good memories of him has been fading since he pulled this stunt with John...whether that's due to the realisations I've made or everyone else's reactions to him I don't know.

"Sam." Alex slumps against me, burying his face in my shoulder again.

"Hmm?"

"Everything sucks. Can I sleep until it's all over?"

I chuckle even though the question makes my heart ache. "Why? There's a lot that doesn't suck."

"I can't see any of it."

Hugging him tighter, I take time to come up with a meaningful response. Here I've been struggling in a tug of war battle between healing or spiralling downwards like Mum did...and while I've messily made improvements, Alex has become increasingly upset and pessimistic. I didn't want this for him. He can't...not Alex. Sweet happy carefree Alex. He's only twelve. "Just because it's not visible doesn't mean it's not there. Why would you make me promise to find more to live for if you're going to stop searching? You're right that all this really sucks. It really does. But we're here. Everything and everyone we need is right here."

"Are you saying that to me or yourself?"

"I guess both of us. Does talking to me and Catherine suck? Does irritating Jacob suck? What about playing around with your friends?"

"...no."

"What about Auntie making your favourite food most of the time?"

"No."

"Uncle trying to beat you at sports?"

"No," he laughs. "Winning never sucks."

"There you go then. While we shouldn't completely ignore the bad, let's try to prioritise the good from now on."

"Okay. I'm sorry. I know me being like this hurts you."

"Don't. Don't apologise for being yourself."

"Okay."