In The Shadows

34

Chay

Reflecting on my decision to have them silenced, I find it quite unlikely to admit that those firm words came out of my mouth. The notion of me giving the order as such an order feels strange and uncharacteristic now—a mistake in decision-making that's hard to make sense of. At the time, it somehow appeared to be the correct course of action, yet looking back, I don't think I should have.

"Kim, can we still cancel that order?" I hurried to my desk as soon as we got home, lost in thought about my recent decision. My friends lounged on the couch, but I paid them no mind and rushed upstairs. Sianna tried to come with me, but I asked her to stay behind.

"My Chay, I know you feel guilt. Consider this—would they have kept it quiet? Not to brag while you are feeling like this, but my touch, the way I pleasured you... It's impressive our passion didn't echo across the globe with the sound of your enchanting moans. Kim says to me, and he comes over to lean on my chair, trapping me as I sit down, leaving me to rest my forehead against the cool surface of the desk.

"My love, next time I will try to control my urge to have you—until we get home," Kim tells me, and I nod, though it wasn't entirely his fault. He was already suppressing it. It was me who dragged him into that dressing room. What have I become? I didn't even recognize myself anymore.

I sigh, stand up, and head to the shower. Kim tries to come along, but I ask to be alone today. Being in the Mafia, starting my gang, and being with Kim all of it has changed me. I can't see the person I used to be. I've crossed a line with my recent decisions, and I'm becoming the person I always despised.

Standing under the warm cascade of the shower, I diligently massaged my face, meticulously stripping away layers of makeup. Allowing the water to wash away the mask I gave to the world. I soaked my hair, working the shampoo through each strand, forming a rich lather that washed out the products and grime from my hair.

With his strict routine with my skincare and hair care, Tay might not appreciate the relentless scrubbing I was doing. I can only hope he would not notice.

After the time in the shower that seemed to stretch for an hour, I finally got out, slipping into a new, clean set of clothes. Making my way back to my room, I saw that it was empty of Kim. Not too worried, I peeked through my window; the sky outside was getting dark. But the time wasn't very late. There seemed to be enough time to study. Settling into my chair, I arranged my books, an assortment of pens, and several notebooks across the desk in preparation.

It felt strange not having him here. I had grown used to his constant presence, being my shadow. I decided I would find him. I started at the security room, which had once been my brother's bedroom. I transformed my brother's room; although it felt strange, it was necessary. Without pausing or knocking, I entered the room abruptly.

Looking around, I stopped abruptly. I felt like I had stepped into something completely different. I didn't even feel like I was still in my house. I thought I might see a desk with monitors, keeping everything the same. It was nothing like that. They pushed all of my brother's things into the corner of the room. His dressers, bed, or anything big and bulky was nowhere in sight. I wonder what they did with it all. I hoped my brother wouldn't be too mad at me if he saw what I did in his room.

I felt guilty. I had told Porsche I would leave his room alone when I got the house, and I hated that I had broken that promise. Again, I felt like I had become someone completely different. My heart grew heavy, yearning for a return to the past, yet I recognized the necessity of this change. Where once stood my brother's room, now the security room, I assumed Kim optimized the sleek, modern layout for efficiency and functionality—the complete opposite of what this room used to be. "I'm sorry, Hia." I sigh under my breath.