In The Shadows

40

Chay

Waking up, I sensed that something was off about the welcome I received. A profound weakness coursed through my body, and an unsettling emptiness gnawed at me, leaving me lost and confused. I remembered what had happened—I had been shot and stabbed, but the hollowness went deeper. I gave people orders, yet none of it felt genuine or deserved. Why did these people obey me? Why did my commands hold any weight? It wasn't out of respect—they saw right through me and knew I wasn't cut out for this.

I lay in bed, turning to my side, avoiding the tangle of wires and tubes from the machines. It had been over a week since I'd slept, at least that's what I was told. Yet, I still felt restless. After telling Ohm and the others to leave, I just wanted some time alone. Kim was in the shower, and I thought to myself, I could use one too. Glancing at my phone, I reached for it. Yeah, over a week. Damn. A sigh slipped out, deepening the sense of defeat, the relentless exhaustion.

I want to improve myself to prove that I can handle this responsibility. But do I really want to lead a gang? I doubt I have the capacity for that. Nevertheless, I must try because I am determined to put an end to the chaos. The gangs, the violence, the killing—it all needs to stop. Calling it a "job" feels like an understatement. Despite all the good in the world, there will always be someone choosing to do wrong. Why must there always be good or bad?

I don't deserve to be the leader.

I shut my eyes and wondered how Porsche chose his path. How did he earn the respect of others? What about Kim, Kinn, Khun, and Tin? How do they command such reverence? Why do they strive for it? I have proven nothing. I shouldn't be the leader. I need to prove myself. I'll start by working out, taking my gun practice more seriously, and learning whatever I can. I need to give to and protect those who have chosen to follow me.

Where do I begin? My friends always follow me—they took on this responsibility because I asked them to. I need to understand what motivated them and why they've stayed by my side all this time. I'll start with Tong and Chong, as they have known me for the least amount of time. But first, I need to get better. I opened my eyes and flexed my hands and fingers. Yes, I need to improve myself first.

I looked at my phone and it started to ring, Hia, it read, I answered right away.

C; Hia

P; Chay? Oh thank God, I miss you so much, little brother. Are you okay? Are you feeling any better? I tried to ask, but no one would tell me anything. Kim didn't let me see you after the night you fell sick. Please, tell me, baby brother, what happened to you? Who shot you? Who stabbed you? How could Kim let this happen? He assured me he would care for you, yet here you are in this state. I swear, I'll kill him for failing to protect you.

I exhale deeply, the weight of my failure pressing down on me. It's hard for me to admit that Kim was the reason I got hurt. This entire mess is my doing if I want to be honest. I lacked the strength, the vigilance. I wasn't mindful of my surroundings, and now, I'm paying the price for my current condition.

P; Chay? Are you there, are you hurting? I'll Be there in an instant.

C; Hia. I'm okay, I was drifting off to sleep while you were rambling. He-he. You still talk a lot when you're worried. I miss you too and I want to have a meal with you soon. I'm doing fine; I only woke up a short while ago. Are you mad that I missed school? I'm sorry, Hia. I promise to do better.

I took a breather because I knew the next part I would have to put up an act.

C; About the incident, I was careless. I got both shot and stabbed. I was trying to improve myself, but I guess I'm still not great at handling knives. As for the gunshot, one of Kim's men didn't think I was good enough for the spot. He wasn't too happy about being part of this whole thing. But Tin handled it, so I'm fine now.