Perfumed Secrets | Kurt Cobain

Somewhere in these eyes, I'm on your side

Things had finally started to settle down for Faye. The new apartment was taking shape, with the boxes, that once cluttered the space, now gone. She finally had a bed in her room and it was feeling like a place where she could find some peace.

She also had officially started her position as a barista at Starbucks. The training had been rigorous, but she had picked up the skills quickly. Getting her first paycheck was a taste of adulthood that she was grateful to reach. It wasn't much, but it was enough to cover her share of the bills and have a little left over for savings. The sense of independence was exhilarating.

Apart from her new routine, Kurt remained a constant in her life. She couldn't wait to see him again after his tour in Canada and ask him all about it. Their busy schedules had kept them from communicating much, and she missed him more than she had anticipated. He would be back in Washington in a few days though, and that was something to keep holding on to.

One evening, just as she was about to unwind after a long day, the phone rang. She recognized her dad's voice as she picked up.

"Hey, dad," she greeted, leaning back into the couch.

"Hey, sweetheart. How's everything going? How's the new job?"

"It's good," she replied. "Busy, but good. I'm getting the hang of it. How are things back home?"

"Same old, same old," he said. "Listen, I don't want to pressure you, but there's something I need to tell you."

Faye sat up, sensing the seriousness in his tone. "What is it?"

"Your mother called again," he began. "She'll be in Washington for a few days."

"So?" She tried to keep her voice neutral, although feelings were starting to build up.

"I think it would be good for you to see her," he spoke gently. "She's your mother, after all."

Silence hung between them for a moment. Faye's mind raced with memories and emotions she had tried to bury.

"You don't have to come to Westport," he continued. "She'll be in Seattle."

"Did you tell her anything?" Her voice sharper than she intended.

"No, I wanted to check with you first. I just thought... Maybe it's time."

"I know," Faye said quietly, feeling confused. "I'll think about it."

"That's all I ask," he pleaded. "Just think about it."

After they hung up, Faye sat in silence, staring at her phone. She felt all of her feelings mixing into an uncomfortable knot in her stomach. The thought of seeing her mother again was daunting, but a part of her wondered if it was the right thing to do.

"Why now?" she whispered to herself, her voice filled with hurt. "How can she just come back and expect to play the nice mom like nothing happened?"

The more she thought about it, the more the anger bubbled up. She felt it wasn't fair for her mother to waltz back into her life, trying to mend things as if the years of absence could be easily forgotten.

In a haze of frustration, Faye remembered the pills in her coat pocket. She walked over to the coat rack and rummaged through the inner pockets until her fingers wrapped around them.

They were still there.

She had assumed Kurt had gotten rid of them, but here they were, almost like a hidden treasure. Before she could second-guess herself, she had them in her palm, small and deceptively innocent. With a deep breath, she swallowed them down.

As she laid down on her bed, a few tears escaped her eyes. They were tears of anger. But she tried to focus on her breathing, knowing that soon these overwhelming feelings would be replaced by a warm, numbing sensation, slowly dulling the sharp edges of her emotions. Her body relaxed, and the tears slowed. She felt a heavy lethargy wash over her, accompanied by a sense of detachment from her problems. The pain was still there, but it was muted, pushed to the background by the chemical haze.