Perfumed Secrets | Kurt Cobain

Crimson and Clover, over and over

Faye was swept off her feet, a sensation she had never quite experienced before. She had never considered herself to be the romantic type, not due to a lack of desire but rather an absence of opportunities. But then Kurt came along and everything seemed to change. From the very beginning, his presence left an indelible impression on her, and as they grew closer, sharing both fleeting and intimate moments, Faye discovered a newfound depth to her emotions. She was undeniably head over heels. That weekend was by far the most exciting she had ever had, and she was craving for more.

Balancing her burgeoning feelings for Kurt with the responsibilities of college life presented as a new challenge for Faye, the need to remain focused on academic duties lingered in the background. Kurt, perpetually occupied with his commitments to the band, shared in the query of finding time for each other. Seeking a more intimate setting to foster their connection, they opted for a tranquil meeting, away from the atmosphere of bars and shows. A tentative arrangement was made for a get-together scheduled after Faye's classes on Tuesday. Although just two days away, the anticipation weighed on her mind, occupying her thoughts with Kurt.

Sunday swiftly slipped away, with most of it dedicated to sleep and recovery from the show, preparing for the demands of Monday morning. Choosing not to disclose the newfound connection with Kurt to Amy just yet, she considered their bond too fresh and it's not like she was his girlfriend.

Monday proved to be a chaos for Faye as she struggled to concentrate on her classes. Throughout the day, she was constantly revisiting those moments with Kurt like a precious treasure. The echo of his voice caught her off guard at times, lingering in her mind.

As break time finally arrived, she thanked her lucky stars for the chance to step outside, recollect her thoughts, and pull her act together. Choosing a nice spot to indulge in her snacks, Faye noticed Blake approaching. Anticipating his penchant for innuendos, she took a deep breath, preparing for whatever amusing comment he had in store.

"So what's up with you and Kurt?" He was more direct than she thought, no funny business.

She responded with a blasé tone, "I don't know what you mean." 

Rolling his eyes, Blake said, "Now, c'mon, no need to be shy around me. Anyway, everybody's talking about it at this point."

Faye choked on her words, replying, "There's nothing to talk about. Just a girl who meets a boy, that's it as far as I'm concerned." The idea of people discussing her, whether it was Mark, the band, or anyone else, unsettled her.

"But if you really wanna know," she continued, attempting to lighten the mood, "we're meeting again tomorrow. Just for chatting a little, you know." 

Blake playfully elbowed her and said, "I knew it! That's so exciting—you, dating a rockstar." 

She laughed and replied, "Slow down a minute; we're not dating. We're getting to know each other." 

"Well, but you're actually having a date tomorrow, so..."

She nodded her head with a faint smile. Blake proceeded, offering some advice. "Just don't get too attached, you know? These guys are usually all over the place and can get it on with anyone. I mean, no offense, but I just want you to be careful, okay?"

A wash of reality swept over Faye as Blake made a valid point. The rock-and-roll environment wasn't exactly conducive to committed relationships. Despite acknowledging this, she casually brushed it off, assuring Blake that she was just having some fun and would handle her emotions with care. In reality, though, it was becoming evident that she was falling for the man.

Little did Faye know that Kurt might be falling for her just as much. Kurt stood out unmistakably from his peers. He wasn't the typical guy seeking casual encounters at any cost or wanting a string of conquests. What his heart truly craved was a sincere and tranquil relationship, a haven where he could find solace from his perpetually overwhelmed mind.

"Now, c'mon, man, you hardly know her," Krist said, as they lay in the living room of his apartment, taking a break after a day filled with rehearsal.

"I know," replied Kurt, his tone contemplative. "But I think I could love her." Krist burst into laughter as if he had said the most amusing thing, but Kurt remained composed and silent. He was sure of what he was saying; he wasn't kidding. He really felt something different this time.

He, too, found it challenging to focus that Monday, anticipating his meeting with Faye. She had left a significant impact on him. Anxiety and fear of messing things up filled his thoughts, as he grappled with self-sabotaging tendencies. He was also overwhelmed with band-related responsibilities, particularly concerned about the dynamics with Chad, the drummer. Kurt and Krist were living in Olympia at the time, and Chad's inconsistent presence at rehearsals bothered Kurt, who took their music very seriously.

"We can't keep rehearsing without a drummer, Krist," Kurt said, steering the conversation back to the band and steering clear of any further discouragement from Krist about him and Faye. Krist let out a deep sigh, realizing that Kurt was making a valid point.

"Well, I guess we just have to start looking for another one... again," Krist said, expressing his frustration. It was the fourth time that Kurt wasn't satisfied with the drummer, despite having already launched an album together. Kurt, consumed by his thoughts, didn't catch the subtle indirect hint from Krist, who continued, "Look, you talk to Chad, and I'll spread the word. Let's see what goes on from that." Kurt agreed with a nod, but internally, he was already rehearsing how he could approach the delicate matter of dismissing Chad, adding to his growing anxiety.

Filled with anxiety and frustration, Kurt was determined to find a way to divert his mind. To his delight, Krist announced that he had plans with Shelli that night and asked if Kurt wanted to join them. Kurt promptly declined, expressing his need for some alone time.

Afterall, he had an encounter with Dylan earlier that Saturday. Which means he still had some stuff available. Despite his inner conflict, Kurt found himself tempted to resort to his habit. Deep inside, he knew it was wrong, for multiple reasons. It was only Monday, and he had committed to confining his habit to weekends. However, teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown, the allure was too strong to resist.

He patiently waited for Krist and Shelli to head out, initiating his destructive ritual soon after their departure. With a spoon and lighter in hand, he already felt calmer. As it coursed through his veins, he leaned back, his head falling against the sofa shoulder. Deciding to accompany the moment with music, he turned up the radio to a station dedicated to playing old tunes.

He got back to the sofa, lightning a cigarette and a particular song started playing.

Now I don't hardly know her

He smiled. Faye's image instantly came to mind.

But I think I could love her

"Crimson and Clover", he muttered the words, and though about his earlier conversation with Krist. Yes, somehow he could love her. He got lost in the middle of the drug-induced haze and he could recall the feeling of touching her. The moist of her lips. The softness of her hair. How he wish he could hold her right now. The thought of Faye became a comforting anchor amid the whirlwind of emotions and the effects of the drug. In that moment, everything seemed easier, more straightforward. He savored the simplicity of the feeling, yearning for it to stretch into eternity. The mingling of the high and his emotions for her created a potent cocktail, each element enhancing.

"I wanna do everything," he murmured in sync with the lyrics, "What a beautiful feeling." A chuckle escaped him, unsure whether he referred to Faye or heroin, as both proved to be equally intoxicating.

Crimson and Clover

At this point, he was unresponsive disconnected from the surrounding reality, lost in the reverie of being with Faye once more.

Over and Over