Solangelo Oneshots

They are Watching Me

TW: paranoia and delusions
(please please please do not read this if it's going to trigger any kind of episode. stay safe!)

I'm adrift.
                  I'm unsteady.
                                          They are watching.
They are watching me.

"Eat," Will says. He is pretty. He is kind. I like his eyes. He is trying to poison me.

"I'm not hungry," I say.

Lie.
      Liar.

"Nico, you haven't eaten since yesterday," Will pleads. His eyes are wide. I like his eyes. I trust him. I do.

He is trying to poison me.

I shake my head. Will sighs. He puts the tray of food on my bedside table. I lean away. The infirmary blankets are scratchy. The pillows are rocks. The blinds are thin.

They can see me.
                              They are watching me.

"What would you eat?" Will asks.

Nothing is what I want to say. All food is poisoned. All food will poison me. I am not safe. I must not eat what Will gives me. I must not eat from ingredients that are not mine. I must not eat from ingredients that are mine because they have found my food and they have poisoned it.

They are watching me.

"Nico," Will says. "I want to help you."

"I like you," I say because it's true. I don't want to lie to Will. I want to comfort Will but I do not want to lie to him.

Will smiles. Just a little.

"I like you too," he says.

He does but he is trying to punish me. He's trying to keep me grounded. He's trying to poison me.

"I can't eat the food," I say. My heart is pounding. Will's eyes are glowing with suspicion. Scepticism. He does not believe me.

"Why not?" he asks gently.
                                            Softly.
                                                   Disarmingly.

"It's poisoned," I whisper. Ashamed. Lost. Confused.

"What makes you think that?" Will asks.

He doesn't deny it. Doesn't tell me I'm wrong. Good. I don't want him to lie to me. I don't like lying. I don't want him to not believe me. No one ever believes me.

"Because they are watching me," I say.

"Who is watching you?" he presses.

"The gods," I say. "Demons. From Tartarus. They can see me. They are watching me."

"Did they tell you that?" Will asks.

"Yes," I say.

"Before, during or after you were there?" he asks.

"During," I say. "And every day after."

Will nods. "What can I do to protect you? To make sure the food isn't contaminated?"

I shake my head.

I don't know.
                       I don't know.
                                              "I don't know."

Will hums. He sits down on the end of my bed. His legs are folded. His hands are in his lap.

"I could sing a healing hymn?" he offers. "That could purify it."

I hesitate. I don't think it will solve it. I don't think it will work. I want him to try.

I nod.

Will leans over and picks up the tray. He closes his eyes. His palms glow gold and his lips move in a syrupy way.

"Is that better?" he asks.

"Yes," I say.
                     I'm not lying.

"Will you eat it now?"

"No."
         I'm not lying.

"Don't trust it yet?" he asks. "Trust me yet?"

I shake my head.

"Okay," Will says. "I will sing a hymn whenever you need me to. And when you tell me that you can eat it, you can eat it."

I nod. I don't reach for Will's hand. I sort of want to.

"Thank you," I say.
                                  They are watching me.

Will is protecting me.

-

A/N

Hey, loves!

As someone who struggles with delusions linked to CPTSD, I wrote this to reflect my own experiences.

It's important to me that people understand that delusions are not fun. They're not casual or daydreaming or something that can be turned into a quirk.

You are not delusional for abstract thoughts. Imagining a crush likes you back or that you could tame a wild horse or that a political person can solve all your problems is not an example of a delusion. It's an example of wishful thinking or ignorance.

Delusions are fully believed. The person experiencing them has full knowledge of their unlikelihood and is still convinced of their reality and any talk of persuading them otherwise is very distressing.

I wrote Will to be doing what you should do when someone is experiencing delusions. Don't tell them they're wrong. Don't tell them they're right. Simply offer comfort and support and external help if needed.

It might seem really obvious to say "there's no one listening to your thoughts because that's not possible" but that won't make someone believe it less. It just means that they'll stop looking to you for comfort. You can't reason with delusions.

That being said I want to make it very clear that delusions are far more harmful to the person having them. Mentally ill people are statistically significantly more likely to be the victim of a crime than a perpetrator.

Also, don't use the term "delulu". It's like calling an autistic person "acoustic" or "restarted". It's just a phrase commonly used by ableist people who aren't aware or don't care about the damage it causes.

Long note today but it's important that the right information is being put out there.

Ash x