A Tangle of Hurt and Happiness - A collection of poetry

My Reason to Love You

I hate that I still write about you.
I hate how, even now, every word is still true.
When I look through all those things I had written in the past,
I hate how I can't see clearly just how long this will last.

I wish that it was that easy, just a day and you're gone.
I wish the name repeating in my head was someone else's all along.
That it was a different James for whom I long.
I wish that his name on my tongue didn't feel so wrong.

You have ruined me,
Utterly destroyed everything I was ever meant to be.
I hate you for it,
Yet still, I cannot quit.

Looking back on it now, I remember how I fell.
It was slow to come, but meant to be,
Like the drying-up of a well.
What was once clouded is now clear to see.

My life was dim then, like an overcast day.
All signs of former happiness had been washed away.
I was never a happy child,
But at least before, my gloom had been mild.

But you were childish joy,
Like life was the most beautiful of toys.
When life was impossibly dark,
You came and lit it up like a spark.

I used that feeling as a distraction.
Seeing only your warmth, I fell deeply into that reaction.
And so, a crush sprung up.
I caught your sunlight in my outstretched hands, cradled like a cup.

I shouldn't have let it go on,
But I didn't know I had given my heart to you until it was long gone.
It took me years to admit that I loved you,
But only a few to accept that you will never love me too.

I hate that I still love you.
I hate that, after all these years, that is still true.
But I have never been able to let go of the past,
So I must accept that I'll never know how long this will last.