Persona 5 - The Jester's Point Of View

Scene 22

The sound of the people was something which had fallen completely flat onto their ears at that point. It may as well be silent by now. There was a crowd but it wasn’t as if they were seen to begin with. They were only one of many… And that was fine. not being cared for is something they were more than used to. 

They are just a burden, aren’t they? Father is gone so everything relies now on Mother. And she has enough on her plate as is ever since his conviction. So wouldn’t it be better if they just disappeared? It would be one less burden to think about, to consider… One less problem in her life. She would come to realize that she would be freer without this failure of a child. A good for nothing… Someone who was pathetic in the end. 

Everyone said it. They all did. They were just a freak, someone weird… Someone who was not worth paying attention to. They had gotten several flowers on their desk back in middle school… If it was a foreign country then maybe the gesture would have been seen as a lovely one. At least the one where they had been bone at. But here? They may as well say it into their face – “ Kill yourself ”. Yet would it stick with someone? No, it wouldn’t. Showing your distaste was much more effective. And besides, it was the very same message in the end. They wanted them gone for years, everyone did. They had heard it after all, from all sides. ' Nobody will miss you, Crossdresser. ’

Yeah, no one will. Why keep them around? Why did they even bother? They… Didn’t get it. What was there to keep going? Some guy? No, they weren’t even close. It was now morbid curiosity. Not a chance that he would care to begin with. He wanted to get rid of them, didn’t he? So, basically he would also just want them gone… Right? 

Freak. Disgusting. Slut. Man–Chaser. Crossdresser. And whatever else they could think of. It was all unflattering, disgusting even. And one could only ignore it for so long. Eventually they will find out and once they do… You’re either a freak or an object to ogle, wanting to be kept as a ‘trophy’. You’re apparently easy to approach. And even if you tell yourself that it is normal, that there is nothing wrong with you… You cannot help but wonder. Are they lying or are you telling yourself a lie? What was the correct answer here? They weren’t sure… 

Maybe they were just lying to themself in the end, not wanting to admit that they were actually some creep. Someone who just had a morbid curiosity and it was easier to gain things that way… Getting closer to those who had the opposite sex assigned at birth… And worm themself in there without any issues. Maybe they were just being disgusting and had disguised it as something else. ‘It’s natural! That’s part of who I am!’ – But was it? If they had doubts, maybe it wasn’t… 

But that didn’t matter. if these were their true intentions then they would be a waste of space. They had no right to exist – Either making it harder on people or making everyone uncomfortable. No one liked them. No one. Maybe even their cat didn’t like them either… Maybe he was fed up too…

The gazes were burnt into their mind. Voices echoing in their head. 

‘Do it.’

‘Don’t be a coward and just go for it.’

‘Do you really think that you have a right to exist?’

‘Do it and make everyone’s lives easier. No one wants you here.’

‘No one likes you.’

‘No one is here for you.’

‘No one will care if you’re gone. Go rot with those rails!’ 

‘They’ll keep driving over you without a care in the world. No one will even notice.’

Usually they would resist any of these voices. They would scream a ‘no’ internally, trying to remind themself of a phrase… That phrase… Uh… What did father say again? They… Couldn’t remember at that point. The line… The line… The—

“You miss your father, don’t you?” A voice would interrupt that train of thought. They didn’t know who it was nor who had said it… In fact the voice was anything but familiar. Usually they would question it but… Right now? They didn’t want to. They had no energy to fight it. After all… That was true. “Then why not join him? You will be reunited. I promise.”

“Reunited…” They mumbled, clearly tempted. Eyes empty, hand reaching out… And a step forward. “A reunion… With fa… ther…” The only person who had shown them care without them being the burden… It was him, wasn’t it? They could speak to him again, couldn’t they? If they just took a few more steps forward and stepped on the rails, dropping down. Yeah, it’ll be fine. There’s nothing to be scared of. This will be the step in the right direction, won’t it?

And so they took another step forward, mumbling something as they did. They did not hear anyone else and the gazes were ignored. All they did was squeeze themself through the crowd, right in front. It will be fine… It will all be fine… This is the only right decision. If they end it right then and there… Then they will be free and no one will bat an eye. They will no longer waste space nor oxygen! It will be fine!

And so they took one step after the other, very slowly, destination clear. Nothing else matters. No one else matters. Just get onto the rails and get it over with. The rails… They are so close. Almost there. One last step and finally, they will… They will— 

“ Hey! Watch out! ”

And yet, before they could take the final step they were stopped. Their wrist had been grabbed and they were pulled backwards. Alongside the pull they heard voices mumble around them, the gazes of the others in the crowd right on them. Wha– What had they been doing? D… Did they just… 

Who was the first to notice them though?