What if...? || Markhyuck

-91-

[march 2022]

[donghyuck]

After eating dinner, we both went our separate ways. Minhyung went to the cemetery and I started a new series, which gave me a strange feeling of uneasiness about our relationship, so I finally went for a run. When I got back, it was just starting to get dark outside and Mark was already at the apartment. He was lying on the bed after a shower, reading a book. We exchanged a few polite, empty words and I went for a bath too.

It pissed me off how our relationship looked like currently.

It pissed me off that it was largely because of me.

Little affection, little physical contact, little conversation about anything. It was so minimal that Mark started to strive for it, which was paradoxical considering his much lower level of need for intimate closeness. I couldn't bring myself to do it, even though deep down I desperately needed it too. The mere thought of anything romantic made me stiffen inside and sabotage my self-worth and attractiveness with maladaptive thinking pattern.

After shower, I was going to give the series a second chance but on the way to the living room, I stopped halfway and looked at Minhyung. Although engrossed in book, he seemed to sense my gaze and looked back.

"Mm?" murmured questioningly, eyebrows raised. He was probably wondering why I was standing in the middle of the apartment, looking at him. Fair enough.

"I'm uneasy... I don't know what to do with myself today, sorry," I admitted bluntly. Minhyung simply smiled in response and nodded towards my side of the bed.

"You can always lie next to me and think about it," he suggested noncommittally and I agreed.

I couldn't and shouldn't run away from Mark all the time. Just like he'd told me earlier at his mom's—it was stupid and wouldn't prove anything to me. A few days after that conversation, I still truly believed it and even had hoped we were finally on the mend. But one rainy day, a stupid text from Steven and Marco's visit to the Santino Oliveto nightclub accompanied by Minhyung and Vernon, from which Mark emerged drenched in cigarettes and women's perfume, quickly reversed that progress in my thinking.

I climbed onto the bed with these super supportive thoughts and moved closer to Minhyung on all fours. He raised arm, inviting me to hug. Reluctantly, I accepted. I loved him with all my heart and absolutely didn't understand why I was so rudely rejecting this affection. He hadn't gone to that club willingly. He hadn't cheated on me with anyone. He hadn't drank alcohol. He hadn't done anything intentionally to give me a reason to become emotionally distant. The fear that I might not be enough for him and that he would find someone who satisfied him was enough.

I wrapped arms around Mark's waist and settled head on his shoulder so I could see what he was reading. Nothing about it was terribly engaging. A collection of travelogues from other cultures. Lots of descriptions of vegetation, local customs and the secrets of unique everyday life. What interested me more was Minhyung's thumb gently brushing across a patch of bare skin on my upper thigh. Thoughts began to wander dangerously around the fact that we hadn't had sex in ages. Mark usually initiated sex recently but he'd stopped, probably waiting for me to take the initiative. I wanted him but I was also afraid. It made no sense. Suddenly, he wouldn't see anything else in me. And the longer I waited, the harder it was to get in the mood and propose anything.

"Hyungie?" I finally muttered teasingly, determined.

"Hm?" boy replied with a grunt but clearly immersed in reading world. I gently slipped my hand under his shirt and discreetly watched for reaction. It was literally nonexistent.