I'm sorry
I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed
Couldn't hold off long enough to make you happy
I'm sorry I couldn't trust you
I'm sorry I let X win
I wanted to be yours so badly
I wanted to believe the promises you made
I wanted you to be the one
I wanted
But
I know who I am
How I am
I'm toxic
Infecting those around me
Hurting them
I don't mean it
I never do
It just seeps out of me
I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from it
I tried to
Tried so hard
Tried to push you away
Begged you to leave before I hurt you
But you wouldn't
Said you'd stay by my side no matter what
Said you loved me
I should have walked out then
When it would've hurt you less
But I was selfish
I wanted you
I wanted the feeling you gave me
The safety
I'm sorry
I hurt you
I'm sorry I couldn't stay present
Always in my mind
Listening to the voices saying
"You don't deserve his love, you haven't done anything but hurt him"
"You are worthless, and he will see that the more you let him in"
"He will come to see you the way I do"
Emotionally exhausted
Having to pretend in front of family
Having to be someone else at work
Now having to try and be this "perfect girlfriend"
I couldn't do it
But I couldn't convince myself that I didn't need to be perfect
I'm sorry
I could have loved you
And now
I will spend my life regretting
Regretting that first decision to talk to you
Because if I hadn't you wouldn't be hurting right now
Regretting ever telling you to stay in that vulnerable moment
Because I do want you to stay
But I see how much I can and will hurt you
So I can't stay
I can't do that to you
I'm sorry
But that will never cover it
I know that
But it's the only words I can form
