trouble ➳ bangtan boys

THIRTY

warning; this may be triggering to people who suffer with anxiety/panic attacks, so read at your own discretion. i have anxiety and i don't see many books which mention it, so i thought it'd be a good idea to introduce it as it's something which i feel is often disregarded, and not treat as seriously as other illnesses. 

btw i suggest that you don't listen to butterfly whilst reading this bc i did and it hURT

"V, it's prom next week." I remind him as he sits on my couch with his phone glued to his hands.

He looks up and nods, mumbling a subtle: "oh, yeah,".

"We going?" I ask optimistically. 

"I mean, if you want to-" He starts but I can't help but to cut him off.

"Really? You'll go?" My smile brightens and he nods, his expression somewhat blank. 

"Why wouldn't I? If that's what you want then we're definitely going." 

"I just didn't think that you'd want to, that's all." 

He hums and diverts his attention back to his phone. He's been so quiet for the past few days that it's starting to concern me. He's converted back to his old ways; wearing dark clothes and big sweaters, which only makes me worry in case there's something hidden underneath them like there used to be. He used to hide his bruises in that way, that's why I'm so worried.

V tells me that things with his dad are fine now, but I'm finding it difficult to believe him. He claims that he went to rehab and sorted himself out but I find that hard to believe. He says that he rarely even sees him, never mind argues with him. I just hope that he's telling the truth. 

"Are you okay, V? You're quiet today." I say softly and move beside him. 

"I'm fine," he slowly nods. "Why?"

"It's just, you've started wearing sweaters again and that's what you always used to wear to hide, you know what, I'm just worried about you." 

"Do you not believe me when I say that he's changed, Violet?" He asks quietly with an unchanged expression. 

I want to say that I do believe everything he says regarding his excuse of a dad, but I simply can't. Not after seeing bruise after bruise, been personally hurt by the man, and seeing the affect he had on V. 

"Here, take a look for yourself." He says and stands up. 

He pulls his sweater over his head revealing a short sleeved black shirt. I see no bruises at all on his skin, but I'm still somehow in doubt. 

"Still don't believe me?" He asks and I stay sill. 

He sighs before reaching for the hem of his shirt and pulling it over his head, and throwing it onto the sofa beside me. I cautiously run my eyes over him, assuring that he's not hurting. All I can see is a few faint scars and freckles. Besides that, he's good as new. 

"I wish you would trust me more, Violet." He admits and I look away. 

"I can't help it, I just worry about you a lot." 

I feel like I want to cry. I feel as though I've upset V but it was the worry and anxiety which consumed me, not my lack of trust. Of course I trust him, but he's hidden things from me before to save me from being anxious. 

"I'm sorry." I whisper and look down at the floor. I feel tears surface in my eyes as I divert my eyes from his slightly hurt expression. 

"You don't need to apologise, just trust me from now on. Okay?" 

I feel simultaneously sad, guilty - and most overpoweringly of all, anxious. It's a feeling which I've been experiencing for the past few months but it's gradually gotten worse. I don't know what's wrong with me. 

"Okay?" He repeats. 

I can't find the strength within me to respond. My throat narrows as my heart begins to beat faster and I panic a little at the unpleasant feeling. My mind starts to race and suddenly everything turns slightly blurry and disorientated. 

"Violet?" 

Suddenly, I feel like I can't breathe. 

I gasp and hunch over slightly and I instantly feel a hand being softly pressed onto my back. It feels as though all of the walls have closed in and all air has disappeared. 

"Violet, what's wrong?" I faintly hear V ask, but his voice sounds like he's standing at the other end of a long tunnel. 

I can't respond, I just continue to struggle for breath. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before, is this what an asthma attack feels like? 

"I think that you're having a panic attack, Violet," I hear V tell me with worry in his tone. "It's okay, it's okay. I promise it's okay." 

He pulls me into his chest and rests his chin on top my head, whilst stroking my hair and whispering comforting assurances into my ear. I can't help but cry at the overwhelming feeling of anxiousness and panic which is all new to me. 

"It's okay, it's okay..." He repeats and holds me until I finally begin to calm down. 

"I'm scared, V."

"It's alright, I'm here, I'm here. You don't need to be scared, everything will be okay." 

I can only hope that he's right.