There Are Worse Things I Could Do

Chapter 9: Endless night

  You stay up in that room for a long time. The sun setting and London was slowly falling asleep. You on the other hand, are wide awake. You couldn't stop thinking about what happened. You burst into a panic attack while getting it on with Dan. You might as well be dead because that's one of the worst things that could happen in life. You could have lost your fucking virginity to Daniel Howell. If you were gonna do that with anyone, Dan is the one.

You sit down on the silver floor and look out at the night sky. The twinkling lights slow down your heart. At least it doesn't feel like it's going to pop out of your ribcage. You hear a knock on the door to your right. You say nothing and (Y/F/N) pops her head in.

"Hey are you alright?" Dan was sitting on the bed looking dumbfounded.

You look at her but say nothing. You normally are like that after panic attacks. She comes in and sits down next to you.

"Wow,(Y/N) this is what we been waiting for for years. We're finally here." She whispers looking at the night sky.

You lean your head on her shoulder and look out at London.  You forget everything that happened just a few hours ago and fall into the sight of the city. You're in your dream apartment with your best friend and you're living your childhood dream. What more could you ask for?

You and (Y/F/N) stay there for an hour but then she calls it a night and goes to bed. She shuts the door and leaves you alone. You ponder wether you should go back downstairs to your bed but you don't know if Dan and Phil have left yet. You decide not to risk it and stay in your place. You lay down on the floor and stare at the ceiling. You can't sleep. There's no way in hell that that will happen. You start to ponder the past. Not what happened a few hours ago. You think years back. You think of how anorexia consumed your life. How your anxiety controlled your actions and how depression rules your health. Your rather proud of how far you came. Your free of depression. But anxiety is still prominent. Your anorexia comes back if your weight goes over 125. You were 230 at one point. You're no longer that. Your happy at 115. But it still flicks on. So maybe you're not better. Come to think of it, you're not.

You attempt to push the traumatising thoughts out of your broken mind. You want to sleep but your brain keeps taunting you. You internally scream but nobody can hear. Nobody cares. Nobody could ever love someone like you. Nobody wants a broken girl. Nobody wants to deal with a girl like you. No one does and no one ever will.