When A Man Love (bxb)

Chapter 41

         

          They say life without love is not a life at all.

Or is it music?

Whatever, it's the same thing.

      Right untill now from the day I was born and to the moment mom and dad were gone from my life, I wish I knew just what to do.

I wish I would get a say in my life. Making my own decisions and taking full control over my life. I don't really know what any of these have to do with this moment right now. But for the first time ever, I feel as if I'm too tired to even think about moving forward with my life. Does that kind of thing only happen to me? Feeling so tired and lazy that you just don't want to do anything else.

God...what is going on?

I use to encounter a beautiful moment in life. It happen right in front of my eyes and boy did it teach something in me. I was walking to the store to get granny a few things. It was baking powder and banana, I think.

When I was walking, I saw a dog with 2 of puppy alongside, lingering the sidewalk on the other side of the road. The mother I guess, look to the right and left as she hovers over her puppy before crossing the street. I stop and smile to look at the abandoned happy family and just think about how sad were mine. When there were no car passing by, the mother and her puppy cross the street in safety.

They reach my side of the road and lingered around my feet adorably before walking into the forest. They were Chihuahua if I'm not mistaken.

Seeing that kind of warm and beautiful incident reminds me that I had always wanted that. I want a family. One that I can actually do things together. Don't get me wrong, granny and grandpa are amazing and two of the most kind human being ever. But, that's just it. It's just not enough for me I guess. After that, I walk to the store and back home in tears. Wiping my wet runny nose with the end of my sleeves. Struggling to keep myself together from the longing I was having, that I was missing mom and everything about her.

The graceful way she would pat my head and kiss my cheeks. It showed just how much she loves me. It showed just how much proud and loving she is for me. Everything she had done for me and the meals that use to filled my raging hungry stomach.

I miss her so much that it hurts. It hurts everywhere.

Mama.

"Skyler?" Aunt Jessie walks into my room.

"Yeah?"

"Dinner is ready." She gave me a warm smile.

I let out a heavy sigh and stand from the bed to walk towards her. She put her arms around my shoulder and grip them firmly, escorting me with care and grace down the stairs.

"You okay buddy?"

"Yeah I'm fine."

"You know, if you have anything you want to say you could just say it to me right?"

"Yeah I know but seriously I'm fine. I just..." We were at the bottom of the stairs when she stood in front of me and look at me in the eyes. "I miss mom." I confessed.

"Ouh...sweety, I miss her too." She pull me into her arm and we were hugging each other in a warm embrace.

"She would be so proud and loud seeing how beautiful and gorgeous you are right now." Aunt Jessie gently push me from her embrace and caressed my face.

"You think so?"

"Honey I know so. When we use to hang out, she won't shut up about you. Bragging how gorgeous and kind you are. How much loves she has for you."

Wow. Knowing that actually make my heart blossom. I feel so accomplished and happy. It feels amazing and just knowing how much she love me despite who I was is just...is just beautiful. She's beautiful.

"Thanks Aunt Jessie. I feel much better."

"You're welcome honey. Just know that she loved you very much and that she would do anything for you. Even if it kills her."

Even if it kills her.

That statement repeated in my head over and over again. It did kill her and it was all my fault. I blame myself for it and I don't think no one in this world can help me changed that.

"What about me!?"

Sarah walk in from the living room and scream her way in.

"She loves you too sweety. Both of you." Aunt Jessie try to reassured Sarah.

But of course she does. Sarah is my older sister. The first child is always the most special. Sometimes even I think that mom would loves Sarah more than me.

"You liar! If she did she won't have to die because of him." Sarah point her finger straight to my face. I can see her eyes teary and how unstable she must feel.

"Don't say that. She loves you very much Sarah and what happen to her is not Skylers fault. Your brother didn't knew any better."

"No, he should've just shut his mouth instead of telling everyone that his a fucking faggot! It's all your fucking fault!!!" Sarah scream at me with the most loudest I've ever heard from her.

I look at her and how broken my heart to see her like that. She must've miss mom so much. Maybe more than I do.

She's right. It is my fault. 

"Sarah!"

"It's okay Aunt Jessie. It's fine."

I look at Sarah and whisper my apologies before running out the front door. Tears were starting to gather in my eyes as I ran dashed towards no where. The wind hit my face and it only hurt me more to think that I'm the one who should die. I was the one who should've been dead instead of my mom.

She is the most kindest person in the world, she didn't deserve to be where she is right now.

I keep running till my foot bring me to the one place that I know I haven't been in a while.

The cemetery.

I guess my heart and body just wants to be here.

I walk toward mom's grave as I make my way through the others. I remembered how I used to come here a lot on the first and two years of mom's death. The guilt and pain had eaten me alive which is also one of the reason why I get so emo I guess. Turn into one as a matter of fact.

When I found her grave, I sit beside mom and hug her. Yes, the dirt. I couldn't care less about getting dirty. I mean I'm not even afraid to be here in the first place let alone afraid of getting dirt all over my face and shirt.

"Hi mom." I whisper, hoping that she would somehow miraculously say it back.

I hug the dirt that had stored mom's lifeless body for a really long time now. I embrace it as if I were embracing her. Feeling his skinny waist on the side of my head and her arm on my shoulders. How I use to measure my height compared to her. I would always get upset for being so shorter than her and she would calmly told me to be patient.

To wait, cause life is all about loving and believing in yourself. Cause if you don't, then...who will?