Steal Your Heart

Chapter 43: Numb

AXEL

"Dude! What the hell?!" salubong sa akin ng mga kaibigan ko nang sunud-sunod silang pumasok sa isang private room ng Xela kung nasa'n ako.

This is a resto bar after all. You can dine or just chill and get drunk, your choice. And I'm choosing the latter, but in private because I'm a public figure and I have to protect my image. Because I'm Axel Pangilinan, Xscape's bassist and a sought-after bachelor who has everything—as they say. But in reality, I'm nothing. Because I'm Axel Pangilinan, and I couldn't even get the girl no matter how much I try.

"I instructed the staffs not to tell anyone that I'm here," I hissed before pouring the whisky in my glass. "Fuck!"

"You're at it again, Axel?" seryosong sabi ni Julian. "Tatlong gabi ka nang ganito," dagdag niya pa bago sila umupo sa malaking espasyo ng pulang sectional sofa na inuupuan ko. Tumingin sila sa akin habang mag-isa akong nakaupo sa gitna at umiinom.

Julian's right. I've been doing this for three days now since Monday night. I try to stay sober during mornings and afternoons when I do my commitments with them as a band. At night, I drink my heart out. This is how I keep myself busy.

Anything to keep me pre-occupied, anything to make me forget the pain.

"Gusto niyo bang uminom? I'll call a waiter to bring you glasses," alok ko sa kanila at pipindutin na sana ang service button sa pader pero pinigilan ako ni Stefan.

"We're not here to get drunk, man. I-u-uwi ka na namin," sabi niya pa pero umiling lang ako.

"I'm staying here," sagot ko. "I'm not a child! I don't need you to chaperone me to places while I live my life. I know what I'm doing."

"This? This is living your life?" sarcastic na sabi naman ni Dane nang inagaw niya sa akin ang bote ng whisky na hawak ko. "This is not living, Axel. You're killing yourself! And if you're not a child, then stop acting like one!"

"I don't tell you how to live your life, Dane. Stay the fuck out of mine," seryoso kong sabi sa kanya bago inagaw pabalik ang bote na kinuha niya sa akin.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang baso na ng whisky ang nainom ko pero halos mauubos ko na ang laman ng bote na in-order ko. I'll probably order a new bottle after I empty this one.

"Axel..." May pagbabanta sa tono ni Dane pero nag-kibit-balikat lang ako. "Axel, tang ina. I'm not messing around. Halika na, i-u-uwi ka na naman. This needs to stop."

Dane might often joke around but he knows how to take things seriously when needed. And right now, I know that he's seriously pissed at me.

But I don't give a damn.

"Am I messing around? Just leave me alone. I don't need you guys here," I retorted.

"Dude," saway sa akin ni Kevin at inagaw niya naman ang baso na hawak ko kaya sa bote na ako diretsong uminom. "Drinking won't solve anything. Noong unang gabi, inintindi pa namin. Last night when a staff called Kuya Leon to get you, you told him that it will be the last. Ano'ng nangyari? Bakit nandito ka na naman ngayon?"

"I know this doesn't solve anything but at least, this helps me forget even just for a moment," sagot ko bago ako ngumisi. "Guess what? I lied. I'm done keeping my words, Kev. I'm done doing that shit because it only hurts in the long run. Tang ina. Tignan mo, what did I get for keeping my words!? Nothing. I still couldn't get the girl."

"Then stop trying to get the girl and wait for her to come back," kalmado namang sabi ni Stefan. "Kung sa'yo, sa'yo. Kung hindi, ang mahalaga masaya siya."

"Hindi niyo naiitindihan," nakapikit kong sagot. "You guys don't know shit. You don't see my pain! You only see hers!"

"Alam naming masakit—"

"Hindi niyo alam! Wala kayong alam, Kev! Wala ka sa posisyon ko kaya hindi mo alam!" marahas kong ibinaba ang bote na hawak ko at napatayo ako nang hilahin niya ang collar ng polo shirt na suot ko.

"Gago!" mura niya sa akin at ramdam na ramdam ko ang galit niya. "Three years ago, I stopped pursuing Addie because I know that she'll be happier with you! Three years ago, I was in the same position as you! So don't give me that bullshit! Because I know! I know what it feels to be on the sidelines and not matter to the girl that I used to love!"

"Kev, tama na," saway ni Julian sa kanya. Pilit nila kaming pinaghiwalay pero itinulak lang sila ni Kevin.

"No. He has to fucking hear this!" mariin niyang sabi. "I was never even a choice, Axel! I didn't even have the chance because she wouldn't let me. Because you were her choice. Her one and only choice before! That's why I stepped out of the picture!"

"That's because you're a fucking coward!" I spat. "I don't remember asking you to stop pursuing her. I don't remember asking that kind of favor from you! It was you who decided to back out. It was you who decided to step aside!"

"That's because I respect her! Because I respect my friendship with you! That's the difference between us. I respected Addie and you! Respetuhin mo sila ni Ethos ngayon," balik niya at mas humigpit pa ang hawak niya sa collar ko. "You know what, Axel!? Grow some balls before you call me a coward. You're the one who's being one here. You can't fucking move on! "

"Tapos ka na?" naiinip kong sabi. Naramdaman ko ang pagtama ng kamao niya sa pisngi ko bago tumama ang likod ko sa sofa.

Napapikit na lang ako at hinayaan si Kevin na maglabas ng galit niya. It was supposed to hurt. His punches were supposed to fucking hurt but I only felt numb.

"Dude, stop!" pigil ni Dane at hinila niya palayo si Kevin sa akin.

"Let him..." sabi ko naman habang nakahawak sa pisngi na tinamaan ni Kevin. "Tapos ka na ba, Kevin?" naghahamon kong pag-ulit sa tanong ko nang makatayo ako. Itinulak niya ako at napasubsob ako sa table pero hinayaan ko lang siya.

I don't care anymore.

"Do you remember what I told you before? That it will always be you for Addie," nang-aasar siyang ngumisi sa akin at napailing. "Guess what? That's all in the past now. And I'm glad she's choosing Ethos over you. Because he's damn better than you. No doubt," dagdag niya bago siya tuluyang lumabas.

Asshole.

"Tang ina!" galit kong ibinato ang bote sa pader at nakatingin lang ako sa basag-basag na piraso nitong nahulog sa sahig.

What a precise interpretation of what I am right now: a goddamn mess.

"We care about you, man. We'll help you pick up the pieces," mahinahong sabi ni Julian habang nakatingin sa akin. "But you have to help yourself, too. It's time, Axel. You have to move on because she already did."

"Bro, sumama ka na sa amin. Kailangan mo nang umuwi at magpahinga," pamimilit pa ni Stefan sa akin na para bang wala siyang narinig.

"Leave," pagod kong pakiusap sa kanilang tatlo pero tumingin lang sila sa akin. "Just fucking leave!" pag-ulit ko sa mas malakas na boses.

"You know what, man? Fine! That's what you're good at anyway. You're so good in pushing people away and that's what you did to Addie," diretsong sabi ni Dane sa akin. "Gusto kong intindihin pero tang ina, you pushed her away. Ikaw ang may kasalanan kung bakit wala siya sa'yo ngayon. Kaya wala kang karapatang masaktan."

Wala akong karapatang masaktan? What a fucking joke. It's so easy for them to downplay my pain because they don't know a shit about the whole story.

"See, you don't understand," makahulugan kong sabi bago ko ipinikit ang mga mata ko. "No one does."