Letters To Louis // l.t.

September 22nd, 2010 - letter 30

Dear Louis,

As if today wasn't hard enough you just had to add onto it, didn't you? You know I've kept this from you but I'm getting badly bullied again. They're not just using words anymore, now they are kicking and punching and beating me as they say horrid things about me. They are really hurting me and I just want to cry all the time. Is it true? Is what they say true? Am I really fat and ugly? Am I really a waste of a life? Am I really a horrid person? Am I really everything they say? Oh wait. You won't tell me anymore.

Now shall I discuss what you did? Shall I discuss how you were drunk off your arse and banged on my door at 1 in the morning? Shall I discuss the beautiful conversation we had? I think I shall.

I can't believe you! But I can't believe I forgive. Especially after all you said, but obviously what you said is true, because you said it.

I just can't believe you'd honestly say that I need to get over myself. I can't believe you seriously said I'm a screwed up mess who needs serious help. I can't believe you said that something is wrong with me. I can't believe that you said that stuff. I can't believe you said that it's no wonder I don't fit in, just look at me! How could you? But I guess it's true. 

The reason I forgave you though is because you've been going through a hard time and you finally told me why. You've been acting so weird because the hate has been getting to you. You said that you've been starting to believe it and that you think it's all true. You said you didn't know how to act so you just... acted out. 

After hours of talking to you and ignoring the stabbing pain in my heart and convincing you that the haters aren't right you finally believed me and gave me a weak arse apology and then passed out on my couch were you are now.

I just don't understand. I thought you didn't think that way about me. I thought you liked me. I thought I had hope. I thought.... I just thought I wasn't as bad as those twats said I was. But I am.

You know what this means right? It means I can't eat anymore and I have to throw up. Even if there isn't food in my stomach I have to throw up to become as skinny as I must. Also I deserve the pain of that blade pressed against my skin. I deserve to have that line of crimson red blood drip down my arm and stain my bathroom floor. I deserve it. 

Gosh do you know how much this is going to suck? I want to eat! I want to! But... I can't. 

I just want to make you proud of me. I want to make you feel as if you can show me off to the world and if not eating and throwing up means that then so be it. 

You've always said you wanted a strong girl and in order to do this I must be strong. So you're going to be getting a strong, skinny, nice, non-outcast girl, because that's what you deserve. 

I'm doing this all for you. I am. 

What you said is right. I am a screwed up mess who needs serious help. I am everything that you said and I am everything that those twats said and I am everything that my head says. I am every single one of those things. 

Hold on I have an idea-

******

Sorry it took me so long. You woke up and we talked. You said you don't remember anything you said last night, but you do remember that I helped you. You thanked me immensely and hugged me for 10 minutes. It would've been great if I didn't have your words of last night coursing though my head. I whimpered out "I'm glad to have my best friend back." and you said "glad to be back. Let's hang out tonight, okay? No ditching or anything. I promise." I agreed and you hopped off to go take a shower.

So anyways sorry this piece of paper has a bit (or a lot) of blood on it, but um... yeah never mind. Anyways I made a list of things people thought of me and, well I don't really know why I did it, but here it is pasted below. I just thought you should have a list of everything I am. 

(sorry the hand writing is messy. i kinda wrote it when i was having a break down.) 

ⱳℎaȶ ⅈ aℳ:

ℱaƫ

Ʋℊℒỿ

ȵℯℯđƴ

attention Ϣℋℴℛℰ

ϩŧų℘ïƌ

ⱲoℜtℌLℇƨƨ

It would've been longer, but I kind of passed out after worthless. Yeah a lot of blood loss. 

But I guess you are right. About everything.

I am a worthless piece of trash. 

-Annabelle

{omgomgomgomgomg too cliche or... oops. -A x}