Letters To Louis // l.t.

November 28th, 2010 - letter 42

Dear Louis,

"You're selfish." 

That is the one and only sentence that everyone has been telling me. Every single person ranging from Zayn to Harry to Finley to Liam to Niall! Everyone has repeatedly told me that countless times expect for you and Noah.

They don't understand though! No one does! Except kind of Noah, but not really. No one understands what I'm going through or what I'm thinking. No one knows that my whole "I don't care, Lou, don't bother me with your problems" act was just simply that; an act. It really was. And the reason for that act was because, well because you are acting just how I was when I fell into depression. You're acting the exact same and if you're acting the exact same then that means you are the exact same as me and my depressive self.

I'm sorry I put up that- this act, but I have to or else all I will ever think about is you and how I can't help you; how I can't save you. The roles are reversed now and I'm freaking out. Now I have to be Louis and you're being Annabelle. I'm not strong enough to be Louis, but you're weak enough to be Annabelle. I can't lift you up and save you so you're gonna fall. I know it. 

You're acting just like me. You're not opening up, not even to me, you're shutting everyone out, you keep putting up this happy act, you never talk anymore, you avoid me, along with the other lads, when you can. You're dying inside and I can't do anything about it.

Everyone is always yelling at me to talk to you. They say I know what to say to you and I can help you, but I can't; I don't. I don't know what to say because no one ever said the right thing to me. Well except for you, but at that point I was so broken that I don't even remember anything you said. I do know though that if I talk to you and I have no idea what to say then you will think that I don't care, that I'm just doing it out of pity. I know you'll think that because that's what I thought when people tried to talk to me.

But now it's too late because you're consuming my thoughts and I'm going crazy and I'd be pushed over the edge if it wasn't for Noah. I'm so thankful for him, but in all honesty I would trade him and everything between us in if you'd be okay again.

I fear that I pushed you over the edge. Every second of every day I analyze what went wrong and where I could've helped you before your depression started. 

I failed you, Louis. You saved my life and I can't even save yours. What kind of friend am I? 

Maybe they're all right. Maybe I am selfish and maybe I don't deserve you.

Maybe.

But I do know one thing: I will not give up on you, I will try my hardest and try and try and try until I can't try anymore. You're not going to fall unless I fall with you.

-Belle

p.s. happy late thanksgiving. that was the best and funest thanksgiving ever, right? please note my sarcasm.